Man tries to get into a night club but the door-man stops him - "Sorry mate, dress code, you must wear a tie". So he goes away and suddenly has an idea. He remembers that he has got some jump leads in the car that look quite like a bootlace tie. So he manages to put on the jump leads and they look quite authentic so he returns to the club. The door man eyes him suspiciously, "That's not a real tie you are wearing, I'd say it's a pair of jump leads". "Yes, I know but they look just like a tie and it's the best I can do" said the man.
"OK, I'll let you in wearing jump leads just this once" said the door man"
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"But don't start anything!"
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library'. I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"
Dear ippy,
You did say, as long as they are funny :P
source: http://jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/comedianjokes/timvinejokes.html
Tim Vines, ridiculous but always funny ;)
Gonnagle.
. . . as long as they are funny . . .
Hmm - that cuts out all the ones about blondes and Essex girls!
Do you mean the two blonds that walked into a building; you'd have thought one of them might have seen it?
ippy
No - the one about two blonds with a brunette between them as an interpreter.
Or - Why do Essex girls wear knickers to go to a disco?
To keep their ankles warm
If you haven'd done so already have a go with Gonners link.
ippy
Your last one reminded me of another old one:
What's the difference between a gay man and a straight man - oh about six pints.
You speak for yourself Trent and at the same time I've no problem with anyone being gay.
ippy
Your last one reminded me of another old one:
What's the difference between a gay man and a straight man - oh about six pints.
Two nuns riding bicycles back to the convent late at night. After a while they realise they are lost.
The older nun said:"I'm pretty certain that if we take the next right it's a short cut back to the convent." So they turn right and find themselves in a maze of Victorian streets.
Half an hour later they are still pedalling aimlessly through unfamiliar streets.
"Do you often come this way?" Asked the younger nun.
"Not normally" replied her companion "I think it must be the cobbles."
Chappy is diddling along the motorway when the jam jar suddenly starts stuttering and stalling - he limps over to the hard shoulder just in time before it packs up completely.
Fortunately he's in the AA so he gets on the blower to explain the situation. Details taken, he's told that the AA bloke will be with him as soon as possible. Sure enough, within half an hour the big yellow van turns up and the AA man gets the hood up and starts poking about.
After about five minutes of this, laddo pipes up: "What's up? Can you fix it?"
AA man points with his screwdriver and says: "Shit in your carburettor."
"Oh," says the driver. "So ... how often will I have to do that, then?"
I love the way you changed the driver in the joke to a man from a dumb blond which it was when I first heard it from a smart brunette!No, I first heard it told using a man :)
This is my stepladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
This is from Paul Merton:Another Merton classic.
"My aunt died at precisely 10.47am and the old grandfather clock stopped at precisely the same time also. It fell on her."
This is my stepladder.Didn't he used to run FIFA?
I never knew my real ladder.
There are 10 types of people - those who understand binary and those who don't.Followed by, there are 10 types of people - those who understand tertiary, those who don't and those who thought it was binary.
ROFL!
(Are we slowly emerging from our recent bereavement?)
Dear World,
Sorry!! but :) :) :) Iceland 1 Portugal 1
Well done Iceland, no not a joke, just a piece of magic :o
Gonnagle.
Portugal were pretty funny all things considered.
Those last words of hers were, "oh we've got everything here", so with my background of suffering years of literalism I couldn't help it I had to address this challenge, so I asked her for a 1987 Ford Escort gearbox, it just came out, it wouldn't have been quite so bad had I been promptly put in my place with some sort of derisional humour, but no she was really furious and as near as dammit chucked us out of her shop, my wife and I had to make a hasty exit and run out like a couple of naughty youngsters knocking down ginger, it still make me laugh, I'm smiling as I'm sitting here relating this.
ippy
Just ordered Bonnie Tyler's 'Great Goalkeeping Errors'
It's just totally clips of Joe Hart.
Too late jp, I've already nicked it.
Puns about trigonometry - they are the first sine of madness.Why, cos you say so?
Why, cos you say so?
You're just being obtuse, Seb.
No, Gordy, he just has a different angle on things.
An acute observation.
I was trying not to be obtuse!
Owls,
But you have gone off at a tangent...
Did you hear about the mathematician who took a commode up Everest?
It's high potty news.
Pedant Alert !!!
A Cherokee Indian would never have seen a hippo Or a zebra ?!!?!?
Have you heard the butter joke?
Don’t spread it.
From the FringeApparently, all those jokes were delivered before the sensation of feeling ''a little funny'' wore off.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-37154550
Its that time of year again - Edinburgh Fringe best joke:You've been ninja'd by NS in #112
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-37154550
You've been ninja'd by NS in #112I thought it had worn off before Trent reposted it.
You've been ninja'd by NS in #112
A TV company is looking for people from towns to appear in a documentary. They are looking for people with shaved heads, goatee beards, tattoos on knuckles, beer bellies and who can fart/belch at will.
Successful applicants will be allowed to take their husbands along with them.
Nick
WHY did the cyclops close down his school?
Because he had only one pupil.
Sounds a bit like the cross eyed teacher that couldn't control her pupils.
ippy
Credit to Jason Manford
'Why aren't friendly clowns speaking out about these killer extremist clowns?'
I went to see a clown act once and they were awful.
As they were coming on stage, one of their mobile phones went off. So he just stopped and stood there answering it.
The other clowns were really confused at first, but then one of them got so angry, he picked up a bucket of water and threw it over him. Just terrible.
Turned out the bucket only had confetti in it. Awful they were...
(courtesy of Sean Lock)
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.
So here's the Story:
Way back in the distant past I was living in a shared house, one night I had the place to myself so invited my girlfriend round for a romantic meal with the intention of popping that special question at the end of it.
The evening was going swimmingly and we retreated to the lounge to finish off the bottle on the premise of watching a video. I was getting myself all geared up to get down on bended knee and propose to her when one of my housemates called Joseph barged into the room, worse for wear, all loud and full of bonhomie when he tripped over his obviously pished feet and crashed head first through the glass coffee table in the middle of the room, kind of killing off the mood.
Now I have to admit I didn't know Joseph that well, in fact, I can't even remember where was from but suffice to say I put my plans for that evening on hold whilst we tended to his injuries and waited for the ambulance services to arrive.
Sadly Joseph had got a shard of glass in one of his eyes rendering him practically blind in that eye and spent many months walking around with one of those cotton pads taped over it, now being the kind souls we all were we tried our best to help him through his injury. Then suddenly one day he just disappeared, along with my girlfriend.
Apparently whilst nursing his pain they had really bonded and decided to basically fly off together. There was no note, nothing, just there one day and gone the other. Naturally, I tried to track them down to get some answers to my anguish, but to no avail.
So in conclusion:
If it wasn't for cotton eyed Joe I would have been married a long time ago.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from Cotton-eyed Joe?
The other day, my girlfriend was feeling grumpy.I've just thought of six more jokes.
That's the last time I take her to see Snow White.
I've just thought of six more jokes.
jeremy,Oh right, the dwarves, didn't think of them.
Your surprise me - I'd heard there was a dwarf shortage.
jeremy,Better than a short dwarfage.
Your surprise me - I'd heard there was a dwarf shortage.
jeremy,The other night, my girlfriend went to the local observatory. She had an exciting time observing Uranus.
Your surprise me - I'd heard there was a dwarf shortage.
I have just bought a Birthday card which is quite amusing.Ha. Yes buying an ice flow in the antarctic would be silly!
There is picture of a couple of penguins and a lawn mower on a small ice flow. The caption reads, "Ok I admit it, it was an impulse buy!" ;D
I have just bought a Birthday card which is quite amusing.Good one! The local card shops don't seem to have those penguin joke cards any more.
There is picture of a couple of penguins and a lawn mower on a small ice flow. The caption reads, "Ok I admit it, it was an impulse buy!" ;D
You don’t have to be the most important to be in charge, just an asshole.quite amusing , but its 'arse hole' not asshole.
quite amusing , but its 'arse hole' not asshole.According to the Oxford Dictionary it is a variant of arsehole (of North American origin). It's probably an American joke.
thank you
According to the Oxford Dictionary it is a variant of arsehole (of North American origin). It's probably an American joke.I know, but I'm English.
Bloke walks into Greggs the Bakers, studies what's on offer then asks the assistant:well you messed that one up.
"Is That A Doughnut or a Meringue"?
The Assistant says "Nah, yer right enough..
It's a Doughnut"..
I know, but I'm English.
actually I'm a Yorkshireman but we wont go down that road ;)
YES INDEED as I've heard about you Yorkies ?!!?!? LOLhow dare you?
I'm a Lanky boy meself !!!!
Nick
how dare you?
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one single drop of paint on their habits. After discussing it, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically,he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot, "What's your name?"
"Moses," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot", sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Moses?"
The parrot replied, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."
The wife of a compuer programmer sent him to the shop to buy a loaf of bread. As he was leaving she said to him,Of course. That's what she asked for. Was there going to be a punch line?
""See if they've got any eggs, if they have get a dozen."
He came home with twelve loaves of bread.
The wife of a compuer programmer sent him to the shop to buy a loaf of bread. As he was leaving she said to him,
""See if they've got any eggs, if they have get a dozen."
He came home with twelve loaves of bread.
A neutron walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
"How much?" asks the neutron.
"For you no charge"
A proton walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
"Are you sure you're over 18" says the barman.
"Yes, I'm positive."
Dick Cheney criticizing Donald Trump over the Muslim ban is like Elton John telling Freddie Mercury his outfit is "a little over the top".
I just donated £100 to a blind children's charity, not that the kids will ever see any of it.
My mate told me that somebody in his street has their Christmas decorations up already.
I told him that's nothing: the old lady who lives next door hasn't taken hers down for two years.
Shakes, I note you've been pulling the crackers early.You leave my private life out of it, ippy.
ippy
You leave my private life out of it, ippy.
Adults 'Record numbers of teens are depressed, we must find out why'
Teens 'School is more stressful than ever, our parents screwed over the economy, the earth is on a path to total environmental destruction, and now we have to deal with actual fucking Nazis'
Adults 'It's the Iphones, isn't it?'
That's not a joke - it's rather sad as it is an accurate observation.
I've had my vacuum cleaner confiscated by the police on the grounds of safety.
I thought I was fine going up and down the street outside with it, but they said I was Dyson with death.
Shakes,That sucks!
That's a co-incidence - I've just listed my vacuum cleaner on ebay...
...well, it was only gathering dust.
The ice crème van? Now there's posh.
The ice crème van? Now there's posh.
The ice crème van? Now there's posh.
It drives down the street playing Mozart.As opposed to Sunshine of your Love.
My local chip shop has been replaced by a Japanese fried eel cafe. O tempura! O morays!
My Granddad died peacefully in his sleep,We call my granddad Spiderman.
unlike the passengers in his car.
apparently , the biggest cause of cancer is Holby City !sorry ; Obesity
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder......
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that they could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Gynaecologist leave the room when girls get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on......
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Following the collapse of its website under demand from Black Friday bargain-hunters, John Lewis unveils a new Elton John advert mourning the blackout. It features another rewrite of Candle In The Wind:;D
‘Your bandwidth burned out long before your bargains ever did....’
Bilingual one-liner.If it's white, is it a van blanc?
When a Frenchman decides to buy a van, is that a fourgon conclusion?
Football manager to foreign player: "I'm going to pull you off at half-time, if you don't play better!"
Foreign player: "Wow! At home, we only get half an orange!"
Football manager to foreign player: "I'm going to pull you off at half-time, if you don't play better!"Possibly apocryphal. Rodney Marsh used to tell that one about Alf Ramsey when he played for Fulham.
Foreign player: "Wow! At home, we only get half an orange!"
Bilingual one-liner.
When a Frenchman decides to buy a van, is that a fourgon conclusion?
Harrowby,When my van broke down, I arranged to take it round to my friend Gloria, who's a mechanic, after the weekend. I wrote on my Calendar "Sick Transit, Gloria, Monday."
Love in a Transit: coq au vin.
Possibly apocryphal. Rodney Marsh used to tell that one about Alf Ramsey when he played for Fulham.
And this from the bloke who knows precisely nothing about football (but does like a good gag when he hears one. I can't even believe I'm saying this).
Two dogs and a cat go to heaven and find themselves in front of God sitting on his throne.
God looks at the first dog, a German Shepherd and asks ''what do you you believe?'
The Dog replies 'I believe in being faithful to the Master'' Very good replies God and invites him to sit on his right side.
God then looks at the second dog, a bouncy mongrel and asks ''what do you believe?''
The dog replies ''I believe in wagging my tail for even the lowliest stranger'' Very good replies God and invites him to sit on his left side.
God then addresses the Cat ''And what do you believe?''.
''I believe'' says the cat'' that you are sitting in my chair.''
Two dogs and a cat go to heaven and find themselves in front of God sitting on his throne.I'm stealing that.
God looks at the first dog, a German Shepherd and asks ''what do you you believe?'
The Dog replies 'I believe in being faithful to the Master'' Very good replies God and invites him to sit on his right side.
God then looks at the second dog, a bouncy mongrel and asks ''what do you believe?''
The dog replies ''I believe in wagging my tail for even the lowliest stranger'' Very good replies God and invites him to sit on his left side.
God then addresses the Cat ''And what do you believe?''.
''I believe'' says the cat'' that you are sitting in my chair.''
I'm stealing that.
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.
"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "so perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
Do you remember when plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject? mention botox now and nobody raises an eyebrow
Botox, in the beauty industry,is never frowned on!
HA!HA! I think people who inflict botox on themselves are crazy, they often look worse than before they did so.
What's the fastest food in the world?and pretend you're 5 and never heard it before ::)
Scone!
(You have to say it with the short-o pronunciation.)
What's the fastest food in the world?
Scone!
(You have to say it with the short-o pronunciation.)
I BEFORE Eit doesn't. Weird does.
EXCEPT AFTER C
DISPROVED BY SCIENCE.
I BEFORE EProved by sceince, you mean.
EXCEPT AFTER C
DISPROVED BY SCIENCE.
I BEFORE EPedant alert: I before E except aftr C
EXCEPT AFTER C
DISPROVED BY SCIENCE.
Pedant alert: I before E except aftr CIs that right? I would look it up, but I don't have the enthusiasm at the moment. Post #322 was from a post on Facebook, which I found funny, it was written on a sign.
When the ie rhymes with me
Fringe time again:
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-49389208
Somebody did.
You couldn't make it up !
Somebody did.yeah !
"Burntisland Cowdenbeath" is a pun on Bendydick Thundersnatch - I mean Benylin Downthehatch - I mean Bennyhill Cabbagepatch. Him.
As for the pronunciation of "Burntisland", it could be "burnt iss land" or "burnt eye land". I take it you mean the latter.
I Boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
That's a humerus joke.
My daughter made me giggle just now. Tesco had just delivered her goods, the delivery chap told her that a customer had ordered a large number of white bread rolls for a party, and somehow the order had got mixed up and they delivered a load of white toilet rolls instead. ;DLoodicrous!
Oh very droll ;D. I daresay most of us do at times ;).Robbie
Oh very droll ;D. I daresay most of us do at times ;).
Thinking about it, less than half. I haven't had it for years. It was very popular when I was at school. I doubt anyone under thirty has even heard of Spotted Dick, lovely with creamy custard. Yum. This looks nice but I remember it somewhat different:- https://www.waitrose.com/ecom/products/auntys-steamed-spotted-dick-puddings/664817-94395-94396what the ....?
what the ....?
Am I missing something here ?
Robbie has done a classic bait and switch. She posted something about having a "dick inside her" hopefully making everybody think she's talking about sex but the reveal is that she was actually talking about a classic English pudding viz spotted dick.so there's these two frogs , one says to the other
That's two frogs dissected (https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/440683-explaining-a-joke-is-like-dissecting-a-frog-you-understand) in one post. I'm on a roll.
Jeremy:- :- That's two frogs dissected in one post. I'm on a roll.
I can support no organisation that is indifferent to the cruelty of animals.
Frogs have feelings Science mag:- Frogs, birds, monkeys, and humans make a variety of sounds expressing emotions. And because that ability is shared by every land-dwelling animal with a backbone, Charles Darwin argued that these cries have a common origin. Humans can recognize the emotions in the voices of other mammals, including cats and dogs.
25 Jul 2017
I have no idea what's going on here ???? 😳
One in five dyslexic children get a present from Satan at christmas😂👍
It's 'arx' ackshuly.I stand corrected
quote author=Walter link=topic=12206.msg783831#msg783831 date=1576184358]give it time ippy 👍
Yorkshire lad is asking the vet for advice about his cat ;
Vet: is it a tom ?
Lad: no, I brought it wi me !
I didn't think it could get any worse:
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Regards, ippy.
Indeedlast Christmas I bought a vegan friend a thick one -a-day hardback recipe book to help with food planning . He couldn't pick it up !
https://rochdaleherald.co.uk/2018/09/15/31834/?fbclid=IwAR3lOYnm__3sYExaguPl5LLgzGB2r15tGq-P_clz2tw2ArkeYRqb-vuWeAo
My child doesn't want to eat meat. What can I replace it with?trent
A dog. Every dog wants to eat meat.
trent
8/10
I hope you wrote it though ?
No - sadly not.AWW C'MOM Trent !
So I'm watching The Shadows on an old BBC Recording and noticed the one on the right looks to be rather hungry 😝That's a patchy joke.
That's a patchy joke.ill set em up ..... Hahah !
ill set em up ..... Hahah !And just let me be the one to finish them.
And just let me be the one to finish them.saney ,
saney ,Grammatically, it needs to be 'to knock them down' but point taken, man of mystery.
I'll just cerrect that for you , it should say
....and I'll knock em down 👍
You're welcome 😘
Grammatically, it needs to be 'to knock them down' but point taken, man of mystery.actually I was assuming you were my double act straight man 😎
actually I was assuming you were my double act straight man 😎You must live in a wonderful land.
You must live in a wonderful land.it gets quite randomly scary sometimes 😱
If an empire is led by an emperor, and a kingdom is led by a king, what is a country led by?Boris Johnson.
Have you ever noticed how many times Emma Leven gets mentioned on Radio 2 traffic reports ?
I've had to order an extra two lorry loads of ugly pills, I'm having so much trouble with just getting out of the house.
ippy
Just stay indoors, makes life easier.
I have been diagnosed with a fear of giants.
Feefiphobia
That's a rich vein.
I've been diagnosed with a fear of 17th century writers.
Danieldephobia
I have a fear of certain chewy sweets: Toffobia
Come to think of it I get quite anxious too when people use the Latin term for the common toad.
Still, that’s Bufo bufophobia for you I guess…
I note there's a lot of us that don't throw those little slips of paper you find inside christmas crackers away.
ippy.
Hmm, no, that one needs work. There's no proper punchline for a start.
This could be the last time?It's all over now?
It's all over now?
James Bond's doorbell:
Dong. Ding dong.
I don't get that :-\.The name's
homelessness !
if Jesus came round to my house with a handful of nails, I'd put him up for the night !
Good to see you back Walter.
thanks Trent. I'll soon be getting on your nerves! ;)How is your back?
btw I'm currently on the banks of the river Trent and the water level is dangerously high :o
How is your back?Hi Saney,
Hi Saney,Been better. Had a few health issues of my own which have meant I've been relatively quiet on here.
It's pretty much as it was . After very careful thought and conversations with my doc and the surgeons' people, I decided not to have the op. The benefits did not outweigh the risks as far as I'm concerned . However I could still have it done at a later date.
To be fair my mind has been all over the place recently what with one thing and another but things are calming down a bit now
hope you are well old chap ?
Been better. Had a few health issues of my own which have meant I've been relatively quiet on here.
Been better. Had a few health issues of my own which have meant I've been relatively quiet on here.oh dear,
Very good to see you back here again, Walter. You were talked about in your absence :-), just wondering how you were.Hi Robbie,
Hi Walter - good to see you back.
"I bet Rick Astley really struggles with lent..."never gonna give....never gonna give....
This is a VERY BAD joke! I just couldn't believe it!Yes, I can't believe they let her off.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-manchester-51643086
A man in Hemel Hempstead has died due to the corona virus. In his house they found 500 cans of assorted food, 100kg of pasta, 75kg of rice, 200 toilet rolls and 30L of hand sanitiser which he had panic bought from Aldi “just in case!”
The whole lot collapsed and buried the daft bastard!
The World Health Organisation has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid 19. All dogs held in quarantine can be released.Trent , I hope you made that up ? 😂
To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
The World Health Organisation has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid 19. All dogs held in quarantine can be released.That’s the dogs bollocks.
To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
The World Health Organisation just announced that dogs can't catch Coronavirus after all, so any held in quarantine can be released...I think Trent might have taken your jacket by mistake.
...yep, WHO let the dogs out.
I'll get me jacket.
The World Health Organisation has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid 19. All dogs held in quarantine can be released.
To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
I think Trent might have taken your jacket by mistake.
A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me shouting “The end of the world is nigh!!”Now his take on this would be 'interesting'
I think it was Farmer Geddon.
(From elsewhere, I posted it mainly because it reminded me of a poster from the past)
'I'm giving up drinking for a month.not bad 👍
Sorry, bad punctuation.
I'm giving up. Drinking for a month. '
not bad 👍Nah, hence the quote marks.
Hope it was one of your own ?
A woman has done her Christmas shopping already, she is now wrapping up the toilet rolls she will be giving as presents this year. ;D
My partner just asked an elderly neighbour if they wanted anything from the shops. They asked for the Daily Mail.
These are truly testing times.
My partner just asked an elderly neighbour if they wanted anything from the shops. They asked for the Daily Mail.Perhaps he had run out of toilet paper.
These are truly testing times.
My partner just asked an elderly neighbour if they wanted anything from the shops. They asked for the Daily Mail.Probably run out of bog-rolls.
These are truly testing times.
The police now have powers to split up groups. How about starting with U2 and Coldplay?
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
What is the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?👍👍👍
The people of Dubai don't like the Flinstones, but the people of Abu Dhabi do
womens football should NEVER be called soccer.Period .
'Just seen that Mark Knophler from Dire Straits has been stock piling for Easter. He got his bunny's for nothing & his chicks for free.'Yes but he had to sell some jewelry to get the dried fruit he needs for hot cross buns: sultanas for bling.
This isn't really a joke but I'm posting it here because it made me laugh. I saw it on FB originally:
In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.
The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.
My wife was pottering around with some houseplants earlier and asked me if I knew anything about Bonsai Trees. "Very little" I replied.I did hear of someone who had a business growing Bonsai trees. It's been so successful he's had to move into smaller premises.
"What borders on stupidity?" "Mexico and Canada!"oh please tell tell me you made that up
When signing for the deaf try placing the palm of the right hand onto R/H top front of your head and then pointing the fingers to the left wave them up and down in unison a couple of times, this is the correct deaf signing move for 'Trump'.
ippy.
I couldn't find the British Sign language gesture for Trump, but that really is the sign in American Sign Language.
This is truly awful;
Q. How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 100 - 1 to change the light bulb and 99 to sing about how good the old light bulb was.
(Don't blame me - blame my 13 year-old grand-daughter).
Of course you are to blame she has your genes! :P ;DOnly about a quarter of them. In the original joke, there were 400 folk singers.
This is truly awful;
Q. How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Reminded me of playing Country and Western records in reverse brings your old dog back to life and you become reunited with old friends your divorced wife comes back home etc etc so & so on. Something like that it's all I can remember of that one.
ippy
A. 100 - 1 to change the light bulb and 99 to sing about how good the old light bulb was.
(Don't blame me - blame my 13 year-old grand-daughter).
My eldest sent me this poem by Pam Ayres, which is quite amusing.Apparently not the great Pam but by Jan Beaumont
I'm normally a social girl
I love to meet my mates
But lately with the virus here
We can't go out the gates.
You see, we are the 'oldies' now
We need to stay inside
If they haven't seen us for a while
They'll think we've upped and died.
They'll never know the things we did
Before we got this old
There wasn't any Facebook
So not everything was told.
We may seem sweet old ladies
Who would never be uncouth
But we grew up in the 60’s -
If you only knew the truth!
There was sex, drugs and rock 'n roll
The pill and miniskirts
We smoked, we drank, we partied
And were quite outrageous flirts.
Then we settled down, got married
And turned into someone's mum,
Somebody's wife, then nana,
Who on earth did we become?
We didn't mind the change of pace
Because our lives were full
But to bury us before we're dead
Is like a red rag to a bull!
So here you find me stuck inside
For 4 weeks, maybe more
I finally found myself again
Then I had to close the door!
It didn’t really bother me
I'd while away the hour
I'd bake for all the family
But I've got no flaming flour!
Now Netflix is just wonderful
I like a gutsy thriller
I'm swooning over Idris
Or some random sexy killer.
At least I've got a stash of booze
For when I'm being idle
There's wine and whiskey, even gin
If I'm feeling suicidal!
So let's all drink to lockdown
To recovery and health
And hope this awful virus
Doesn't decimate our wealth.
We'll all get through the crisis
And be back to join our mates
Just hoping I'm not far too wide
To fit through the flaming gates!
It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses.The jigsaw manufacturer has closed, the staff are in pieces.
A local Bra manufacturer has gone bust, a Submarine company has gone under, a manufacturer of Food Blenders has gone into liquidation, a Dog Kennel has had to call in the retrievers and a company supplying Paper for Origami Enthusiasts has just folded. Local strip club has gone tits up, Interflora is pruning its business and Dynorod has gone down the drain.
The saddest one though is the Ice Cream van man found dead covered in nuts and raspberry sauce. He couldn't take it any more... topped himself.
Two.
One to hold the protractor
The other a bicycle.
There are reports from France of an explosion in a cheese factory.Paris Stilton tells that one often.
All that's left is de brie.
'To err is human, to "er, ah, er, uh, um, er" is Boris Johnson.'
Paris Stilton tells that one often.Stop it. I camembear any more cheese jokes.
A Farmer from Dorset sees someone drinking from stream on his land and says 'Wozzun! E dun wanna be drinking dat! It's fullov 'orse an cow shit'
The man says 'I just popped down from London to self isolate. This is my second home. Can you speak a bit slower?'
The farmer replies 'If - you - use - two - hands - you - won't - spill - any'
'My wife asked me 'have you seen the fish bowl?' 'No' I said '& I haven't seen the dogs play darts either''
Had a painter and decorator around. He was a furloughed Virgin Atlantic pilot.Did he take off the old wallpaper first?
Made a lovely job of the landing.....
My mate and I once got caught climbing over the fence at Glastonbury. They made us go back in and watch the rest of Coldplay.Could have been worse, could have been The Lighthouse Family
Could have been worse, could have been The Lighthouse FamilyApparently the toilet arrangements at Glastonbury are to be improved by the appearence of the Shitehouse family.
I might open a shop called "Pi".
Why do we call them COVID-19 face masks when we have the golden opportunity to call them in instead...Was having a 'discussion' with someone objecting to wearing a mask who was referring to them as face nappies - I asked did he call them that because of what came out of his mouth.
....wait for it
...wait for it
...coughy filters?
I’ll get me coat.
Was having a 'discussion' with someone objecting to wearing a mask who was referring to them as face nappies - I asked did he call them that because of what came out of his mouth.Gonna steal that.
Can't remember if I've posted this one before, so apologies if I have.Joke of the week....let's hope it doesn't wear off.
Man goes to his GP and says that in both social and work situations he feels compelled to loudly sing 'The Green Green Grass of Home', and it is becoming both embarrassing and intrusive.
The GP tells him not to worry, he know what the problem is, and that he has Tom Jones Syndrome.
The man is relieved and asks if the condition is quite common.
The GP jumps on his desk and loudly sings 'It's Not Unusual'.
I think I may have to leave Mrs B. Turns out she was smearing glue on my rifles. She denies it of course, but me…In view of a bogus web site set up by malicious theists imitating the Richard Dawkins foundation. A genuine website RDF, the Real Dick foundation.....has been set up.
…I’m sticking to my guns.
I’ll get me coat.
It's a little known fact that the writer of "Winnie the Pooh", A.A.Milne, had a smaller brother called A.A.A Milne.And an older brother who was a model railway enthusiast, called OO Milne.
And an older brother who was a model railway enthusiast, called OO Milne.I found that joke very N Gauge-ing.
And an older brother who was a model railway enthusiast, called OO Milne.
Those shows of all the old old tractors, the steam driven ones and the various old names you don't see any more, I've lost all interest in them, they're no fun any more, I suppose you could say I've now become an extractor fan, mind the old toupee if you get too close.I understand. I went to a demonstration of old steam rollers the other day. It left me feeling a bit flat.
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean £200?!"
The Eurostar one was funny.thanks jez 8)
A farmer tells his farmhand to go and count the sheep in a field. The farmhand eventually comes back and says "48". Right", says the farmer, "now round them up." The farmhand says "ok, 50."Tim Vine
Do elderly aristocrats use nobility scooters?and I wrote that :o :o :o
Walter follows the Ken Dodd method: keep up a machine-gun rattle of jokes, and at least a few will hit the target.Ken Dodd , my hero 8)
Walter follows the Ken Dodd method: keep up a machine-gun rattle of jokes, and at least a few will hit the target.Walter followed the Ken Dodd method......
I was just sitting for months looking at the long overdue state of decoration of the house and could bear it no longer. Monday Living room, Tuesday Dining room Wednesday kitchen Thursday Bedrooms.............I think it must have been weeks of pent up emulsion.;D , hope its original ?
In the early 90s Ken Dodd invited our Down's Syndrome son, who was 8, and I to one of his performances in our area. We went to his dressing room after the show, he presented our lad with two of his 'tickling sticks'. Ken Dodd was very amusing, we enjoyed the show. Some years later I did one of my artwork creations for him, which he was kind enough to say he liked very much. I believe in his private life he was very different to how he appeared on stage, and liked to keep himself to himself.lovely story
lovely storyDid' e?
yes, in his private life he had normal hair and teeth and dressed as a woman on Wednesdays
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
Always good to see the deeply intellectual side of the forum ekim, don't let the standard slip! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;DJust for you:
Just for you:
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Just for you:
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Which one of TS Eliot’s Jellicle Cats was the most religious?
Ivan Jellicle
Seen on church notice boards.....Reminds me of when my friend on the till asked a lady customer "do you have nectar"? (meaning "do you have a nectar card"). Initially she looked shocked, but then saw the funny side of it.
Tuesday at 4 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk please come early.
;DI agree, Lr! I seldom look at this apparently male-only thread, but have done so today, mostly faintly wincing!! I acknowledge that it is a lot to do with the way Synthetic Dave tells 'em!
Sign on the stairs at our local railway station: 'Don't run on the stairs use the handrail'.
There's no punctuation on this notice.
ipster,
Reminds me of a sign in the local shopping mall: "Dogs must be carried on the escalator."
Where the hell was I supposed to find a dog at that time of night?
My 4 year old son has been learning Spanish, but he still can't say please in Spanish.In similar vein, three French cats went sailing, but their boat sprang a leak.
Which I think is poor for four.
I've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage!
Seen elsewhere triggered by our latest shut downIn our youth we had to run down the lane, up the hill, round the park, and through the bushes.
'Thankfully in Scotland we all trained in our youths for the upcoming winter of discontent by drinking alcohol in dark parks, hillsides, bushes and lanes aged 13-18 in baltic conditions. We didn’t then know we were in training. But now is the day, and now is the hour.'
Almost stole a board game once. It was a risk I was willing to take
After a short pause, the rabbit said ...Thank you for the LOL! Having to listen to it, I didn't get to the end too quickly which made it funnier!
'Mixin-me-toasties'
When I was a child, I was forced to walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog!
If you can afford some bird food, wild birds are a great substitute for a dog. They don't incur vet bills, and no planks are needed.I tried that, my cats loved it...the birds, not so much!
I tried that, my cats loved it...the birds, not so much!Maybe don't feed the birds, then. You can still water the plants, though. Just don't keep goats.
A bloke walks into a bakery in Glasgow
He notices 2 cakes that look the same, but one was £1, and the other was 50p. He asks “what’s the difference” and the baker replies, “That ones Madeira Cake!”
I don't get the meringue one.... :(
Translates as "Is that a cake or am I wrong" at least that's how I read it after puzzling over it for quite a while :DCorrect.
Translates as "Is that a cake or am I wrong" at least that's how I read it after puzzling over it for quite a while :DNice one!
I quit my job as a banana fryer. Didn't want my life to fritter away.So you split?
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theatre followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies...
... "You just happened to catch my eye "
This ha probably been on here before, but in case it hasn't...
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my granddad,
not screaming in terror like his passengers.
It has - but it's still funny.
I'm fed up of all of these Covid travel restriction, so I stuck up a world map and then gave my wife a dart and said,That one made me laugh - thank you !!
“Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you on holiday when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
That one made me laugh - thank you !!
Except for his passengers!Don’t worry, it was fiction. Grand dad didn’t really die by falling asleep at the wheel of his car, at least not if the banging and screaming coming from his coffin during the cremation are anything to go by.
If Benny and Bjorn had been called Steve and Dave then the group that sang Waterloo would have been called ASDA.Good thing it wasn't Agnetha, Rick, Steve and Elizabeth then
Good thing it wasn't Agnetha, Rick, Steve and Elizabeth then
I'll pass on this advice to Celia, Ursula, Norman and Trevor.CNTU? I don’t get it.
CNTU? I don’t get it.
(The women’s names have to go on the outside).
This is not a joke joke, but my (older) son was just reading me some more of Tom Peake's book and he stopped to ask if I had heard about how enormous sums of money were spent on trying to make a biro that would work in space. The Russians solved the problem - by using pencils!
That's an old and long-debunked take on what actually happened. Both the US and USSR were using pencils, but the graphite dust that they produce caused problems with the electrical systems and the oxygen recycling equipment that they had at the time (possibly still would).Many thanks - very interesting. Actually now I come to think of it a couple of weeks ago he was reading the bit where he mentions some pen they used. It is an extremely good book and I very much like the way he never talks down to his readers. Have you read it?
Paul C Fisher and company spent a bucket of their own money (I've seen $1 million dollars quoted, I don't have a reliable source for that or an idea if it's considering inflation or actual from the time) without any input from NASA or the US Government to research and develop a pen that would work in zero-gravity (and, for some reason, to some quite extreme temperature ranges), and then proceeded to supply both the US and USSR for some time - some of the current space-faring companies are still buying them.
O.
Why is the Trump White House suddenly a very polite place to work? Everyone’s going around saying “pardon me.”
As it was raining yesterday I decided to watch a film about tea plantations, tea production and how it gets on to our supermarket shelves.
The film was PG rated.
Jokes about white sugar are rare.Doesn't quite have the right effect when read by Synthetic Dave!!
Jokes about brown sugar—Demerara
A priest, a vicar and a rabbit walk into a blood bank....very bunny
A nurse asks them what blood groups they are.
"I'm probably a type O," says the rabbit.
...very bunny
It's a year to the day that my partner fainted onto the baggage carousel at Gatwick airport. It took a while but he eventually came around.
…because your light was on.":)
Apple have just announced that although their profits are down, their turnover is still excellent.Meanwhile in Japan the SUMO corporation has gone belly up and the ORIGAMI bank has folded.
There is a rumour that proof-reading is to be made illegal: is nothing scared!
Plagiarism! (look about 3 posts back)
Not, of course, that my post was original so I am guilty of the same crime.
I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines.
He's a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines.I needled a bit if time to figure that one out.
He's a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
In a London Nursing home an old priest lay dying.A winner.
For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital.
He motioned for his nurse to come near. Yes, Father..? said the nurse.
I would really like to see Boris Johnson and Matt Hancock before I die.. whispered the priest.
I’ll see what I can do, Father, replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to No 10 and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; Boris and Matt would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Boris commented to Matt, I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images.
Matt agreed that it was the right thing to do at this time.
When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took Boris’s hand in his right hand and the Matt's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.
The old priest slowly said: I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.
Amen, said Boris
Amen, said Matt
The old priest continued, Jesus died between two lying thieving ba****ds; and I would like to do the same...
A winner.Agreed! It made me laugh out loud!
I've just been fired from my job as an accountant. I've been there since 2014. What a waste of 12 years!
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet.Your certainly putting us on a low humour diet.
It really made Joe lean, Joe Lean, Joe Lean, Joe Lean!
Your certainly putting us on a low humour diet.
I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I think I nailed it but nobody saw it.I saw what you did there. It's pretty plane that with this level of punning, we are all screwed. It goes against the grain to say it, but it is the unvarnished truth. Don't fret though, I'm sure we can maintain a veneer of respectability.
Get knotted!I think your bark is worse than your bight.
I think your bark is worse than your bight.If you think that, then I pine for yew.
Chris Rea reckons he'll be walking home for Christmas this year.Don't think so. Last I heard he was on the road to Shell.
Don't think so. Last I heard he was on the road to Shell.
I was watching an item on the news about Brexit. They said "more on next". They were right, it was an interview with Boris Johnson.There was an interview on the BBC news this morning with a pig farmer. She was talking about the problems the farm was having and wanted to meet up with the PM to explain all the culls and suffering with the cull(s), but Johnson didn't even want to do that.
Reacting to the tragic & horrific murder of Sir David Amess MP by saying ‘We need to ban anonymous social media accounts’ is a bit like reacting to 9-11 by saying ‘We need to invade Iraq’.
I've decided to release a record for the season. It's called "Duvet know it's Christmas".I think we must have both bought the same brand.
It's a cover version.
(I got the crackers out early this year)
OMG! I just woke up and found all the windows have been smashed open and everything's gone! 😡😡😡There's also a risk that you would use it to strain the vegetables.
Please take my advice and NEVER get drunk within reaching distance of your advent calendar.
Each Festive season in years past , I always dreamed that one day I could take part in a pantomime ,Oh no it isn't.
But that's Behind me now.
Apparently Ricky Gervais couldn't perform because he felt a little funny...........his manager told him to get on stage before it wore off.Gervais, Dawkins....you can't stop posting about them.
How do you make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
Errr....What?
That might work with squid.
.
....JUST IN, The creator of the Taser passed away earlier this morning.Shocking
People that knew him have been left stunned.
....JUST IN, The creator of the Taser passed away earlier this morning.They were sent a cable.
People that knew him have been left stunned.
Breaking news - Cheese Factory Explosion..rescuers are Caerphilly searching for survivors
De Brie everywhere.
..rescuers are Caerphilly searching for survivors...Of the victims, they've only found David's toe.
Breaking news - Cheese Factory ExplosionExplosion in Japanese car factory. It was raining Datsun cogs.
De Brie everywhere.
...Don't get it. Please explain.
Don't get it. Please explain.The woman in the photo is Rachel from Bladerunner.
The woman in the photo is Rachel from Bladerunner.And she's a robot, I presume...
And she's a robot, I presume...Yes but she doesn't know it.
And she's a robot, I presume...She was a robot in Bladerunner and a reboot in bladerunner 2049.¹
..rescuers are Caerphilly searching for survivorsSo far, they've found three rocks, but they're still looking for Roquefort.
So far, they've found three rocks, but they're still looking for Roquefort.They have removed tons of rocks but there are Stiltons remaining.
The interior designer was at the party........does that mean it's curtains?...he needs to pull himself together!
I must say with these strong winds I'm very concerned about the caravan on my front drive.
Yesterday I didn't even have a caravan.
!!!
Thanks everyone for your concern. Just to let you know .
First off, I'm OK though I was a bit shook up. If you don't already know, I was robbed at Tesco petrol station earlier this morning in Glasgow.
After my hands stopped trembling, I managed to call the Police.
They were quick to respond and calmed me down because my blood pressure went through the roof!
My money's gone however, I wont get it back.
The police asked me if I knew who did it and I told them, "Yes, it was pump number 8
Jesus: one of you will betray me today
Peter: not me Lord… who?
<< Judas Iscariot left the group >>
BLOODY ANGELA RAYNER!Of course, whatever the Tories say, it's Angela Rayner who has to look at a twat during PMQs.
She deliberately put trousers on knowing that the Tories would have to look at porn instead.
Typical Labour dirty tricks!
Bono from U2 insists on purchasing non-branded confectionery. He prefers to shop where the sweets have no name.He was rummaging through the Pick n'mix for over half an hour and when challenged by the assistant claimed he still hadn't found what he was looking for.
It's a dark day for music lovers. It's the anniversary of the first patent for the accordion.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cyrill_Demian
This gives me an opportunity to retell a joke.
What's the definition of perfect pitch?
Tossing an accordion in a skip and hitting a banjo.
Which reminds me of thisNo busker playing a digeridoo?
(To mark the opening of NZ's cricket tour...)Caught behind, as they say.
I used be be a really consistent cricket player, but then I caught diarrhoea.
I get lots of runs now.
Caught behind, as they say.
When I was young, I wanted to be a plumber.That's plumb stupid.
But it was only ever a pipe dream.
An oldie, but oh so appropriate:I appear to live in a lyingprickery.
In the olden days, we had empires run by emperors and kingdoms run by kings. Now we have countries run by.........
Na, that's not funny.
16 sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by Batman.Subtle! I had to google "16 sodium atoms" to get it.
A friend suggested horse manure on my strawberries.That was a shit joke.
I'm not doing that again, I'm going back to whipped cream.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joel_OsteenWell, that leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.As it happens, I read that a number of skeletons have appeared.
Beans to the left of me, chainsaws to the right, here I am -
Stuck in the Lidl with you...
Next up: Aldi Young Dudes.
...
?
Ah Ok, I didn't see the art gallery picture in your post, just "..."It wasn't my post. But for understanding, if you look at site from the new posts you don't see pictures.
https://youtu.be/CS9OO0S5w2k
I asked my friend at Twitter how things are going. He said he can't complain.
.Where everybody knows your name.
I used to worry sheep.Apparently Sean Lock told his manager he couldn't perform because he felt a little funny. His manager told him to get on stage before it wore off.
I'd sidle up to them and say, 'There isn't a god."
(C) Sean Lock
Washington Post's MENSA chapter asked its members to choose one word from Webster’s; replace one letter, and then provide a new definition to it.Podant, a person with excessive concerns on the details and rules of a podcast.
Podant, a person with excessive concerns on the details and rules of a podcast.
Very niche jokeToo niche for me - please explain.
Too niche for me - please explain.https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apixaban
.Well. That's a phallusy.
.👍
(https://www.private-eye.co.uk/pictures/lookalikes/small/bridgen-jazz.jpg)Nice
Dear Sirs,
Have you ever noticed that Andrew Bridgen MP looks exactly like that Jazz guy from the Fast Show?Nice
Is it part of the joke that the captions are the wrong way around.Don't you read 'Private Eye'?
Don't you read 'Private Eye'?
the Conservatives decided families with more than two children shouldn’t have extra child benefits. But children are expensive. Boris Johnson has at least seven and was finding it difficult to make ends meet on his prime minister’s salary of £164,951.https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/mar/05/brexit-has-reversed-the-brains-of-sunak-and-starmer
What do you call a dog that can do magic?It's magic innit?
A Labracadabrador.
What do you call a dog that can do magic?What do you call a dog that can do magic and draw?.
A Labracadabrador.
Don't get NS's one about yellow paint.Epson printers won't print anything if one of the containers is empty even if the empty one is not required!
Vincent Price is taller than Alan Price. Who is heavier than Katie Price. As I discovered on this Price comparison website
.Marie Curie - first woman to win a Nobel prize, first person to win two Nobel prizes, and still the only person to win Nobel prizes in two different disciplines. Wotagal!
Marie Curie - first woman to win a Nobel prize, first person to win two Nobel prizes, and still the only person to win Nobel prizes in two different disciplines. Wotagal!
How do Brits measure things
https://youtu.be/eZW-FjI2iMI
My neighbour is very sad about the end of his career in pantomime so I said to him " You should put it all B E H I N D Y O U !!!!!!!!!"Oh no you didn't!
Mel G.
https://youtube.com/shorts/K9K1gWfoS8c?feature=share4 (https://youtube.com/shorts/K9K1gWfoS8c?feature=share4) (...maybe the other Spice Girls were giving a hand...?)
'Sam will be leaving soon. She wants to see the most beautiful, scenic sights in England and Wales, so Sven will showing her around, first he's going to Bangor and finally Cockermouth.'
The teams are going to sing for us now, in the game called One Song To The Tune Of Another, and even as those words left my lips, I could sense the teams thinking: What in blue blazes is that all about? Well, fret not, as it's all relatively simple if given a proper explanation. If you think about it, a milk bottle is almost exactly like a song. It's wide at the base, but tapers to a small diameter opening at the top which is sealed with a foil cap to prevent spillage. But that's not what makes it like a song. No, because the bottle contains milk which is exactly like the words. The milk, or words, may be poured from the bottle, or song, and then the bottle can be returned to the milkman to be refilled with different milk, or words. Just like singing one song to the tune of another. But, I hear the teams collectively gasp under their breath, what about garden birds? Yes, there is the danger as your milk sits on the doorstep, that the foil cap might have holes pecked in it, allowing the ingress of contaminent, and rendering the milk unpalatable. Sadly, things are liable to go sour, thanks to an unwelcome little tit. At the piano, Colin Sell...
If we are going to be doing ISIHAC lines, my favourite is this introduction to "One Song to the Tune of Another".I knew it was based on ISIHAC, but I've only seen those places recently and I keep thinking most of their jokes are thrown away, so I have no idea whether it's completely nicked or entirely original.
I knew it was based on ISIHAC, but I've only seen those places recently and I keep thinking most of their jokes are thrown away, so I have no idea whether it's completely nicked or entirely original.
Who can forget the episode [of 'Give us a Clue'] in which Lionel Blair successfully pulled off Twelve Angry Men?
If we're doing ISIHAC quotes, this is from memory:
I'm not saying that the Smiths were a rubbish group, but I once walked past a concert hall where they were appearing. There were two bouncers outside, grabbing people and chucking them in.
I'm not saying that the Smiths were a rubbish group, but I once walked past a concert hall where they were appearing. There were two bouncers outside, grabbing people and chucking them in.
I saw some graffiti, where someone had written 'GANB' and I thought, 'that's bang out of order.'I was trying to find out how old this joke was, then I found Tim Vine.
“I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said: ‘It depends where you’re calling from.'”
https://inews.co.uk/light-relief/jokes/tim-vine-best-jokes-and-one-liners-88044
.Sherlock hunted him down after saying, "The games afoot."
Sherlock hunted him down after saying, "The games afoot."
I used to be a programmer for Autocorrect.Maybe you should get a trybewnarl?
They fried me for no raisin.
Charlie Watts's book collection is to be auctioned. It consists mainly of modern fiction. Presumably, though, it doesn't contain 'Labyrinth' by Kate Mosse. https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-66121572
I had to work at that one.I deliberately made it cryptic, because when you finally get it, it's funnier.
I had my leg X-rayed and the doctor said, "Your patella measures 2.54cm"
I said: "Inch-high knees?"
He said: '您的髌骨是厘米高.'
If you chuck a Barbie on the barbie, will it get burnt to a Sindy?Ah dinnae ken.
I have always wondered, do gun manuals have a troubleshooting section?I don't know, but knife manuals don't any more - it's been cut.
I have always wondered, do gun manuals have a troubleshooting section?..or bullet points?
..or bullet points?With the online version, it's semi-automatic.
Can you rifle through them?
..or bullet points?
Can you rifle through them?
Can you rifle through them?
I'm fat, but I identify as skinny - I'm trans-slender.I'm male, but I identify as a radical feminist female - I'm a trans-sister.
I'm male, but I identify as a radical feminist female - I'm a trans-sister.
The best jokes of the Edinburgh Fringe
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-66569215
Nationwide must have looked pretty silly when they opened their first branch
As murderer George Appel was strapped into the electric chair in 1928, his last words were "Well, gentlemen, you are about to see a baked Appel".Later that year serial killer Sam Potato complained that his Roast Potato joke would just be seen as a rip off.
Later that year serial killer Sam Potato complained that his Roast Potato joke would just be seen as a rip off.
...
I've got a date with a woman who identifies as a wheelie bin. I can't remember if I'm taking her out on Tuesday or Wednesday.
"Nevermind" should be two words, but never mind.
.
Bit niche but my niche(Another niche, nicked from somewhere/one else a long time ago.)
...walk into a pub...
You'd think they'd look happeir about it!
...walk into a pub......and the barman says "is this some kind of joke?"
...walk into a pub......what a fine example of a well integrated multicultural society.
1 "Do you know the price of a chimney?"It flue up and up
2 "Let me guess, it's on the house"
1 "No actually, it's gone through the roof"
What weighs more a gallon of water, or a gallon of butane?You’re not supposed to pull your crackers before Christmas.
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
(From Bill Bailey), "When you hear the lyrics (from The Killers) "it's meaningless saying 'I got soul, but I'm not not a soldier. You might as well say, 'I got ham, but I'm not a hamster."I look wan, but I'm not a ...
(& from me) I got toes, but I'm not a toaster.
And in English...?
I look wan, but I'm not a ...I got a pan, but I'm not a pangolin.
A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walked into a blood donation clinic.A rabbit?
A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walked into a blood donation clinic. The nurse asked the rabbit, “What is your blood type?” The rabbit responded, “I’m probably a type O.”
A rabbit?That's the joke.
...
That's the joke.Oh, good grief.... How bloody long did that take me... :(
Oh, good grief.... How bloody long did that take me... :(
Not a joke as such, but if you are really bored open Google Translate and translate "Sharp knife" from English into Latvian.
Sometimes it's the little things that make life worth living.
Aruntraveller,
Indeed it is. In a similar vein, try typing “twelve months” into Google Translate, then translate into Estonian and hit the loudspeaker icon.
You’re welcome.
Aruntraveller,I must be missing something. What's rude about it?
Indeed it is. In a similar vein, try typing “twelve months” into Google Translate, then translate into Estonian and hit the loudspeaker icon.
You’re welcome.
I must be missing something. What's rude about it?It sounds like, though doesn't look like, cocks taste good.
I must be missing something. What's rude about it?
You have to play it rather than read it.I did.
I did.
I'm playing Midge Ure at Scrabble
I'm playing Midge Ure at Scrabble"That bloke over there, out of Ultravox, is really childish."
I've four letters left, but,
They mean nothing to me,
OVNR
"That bloke over there, out of Ultravox, is really childish."I'm stealing that.
"Him? Midge Ure?"
"Yes, very."
.Because rap "music" grates on the ear.
Biscuits and gravy. An American favourite, apparently. Looks bloody horrible to me.
Faked. Americans use custard creams.Bourbon a laugh, aren't ya.
Pinched this from Facebook. If anyone gets it, please explain it to me, because I don't.
That would explain it. I've never heard of either Toto, the band, or 'Africa', the song. I thought the girl was dressed as Alice, as in 'Wonderland'.
You probably have heard the song.Thanks. I've heard it now, and certainly remember hearing it back then but I didn't pay any attention to the lyrics.
This is it https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTQbiNvZqaY
.
Erm - I don't mean to be picky but did you look at the previous post?Oops, silly me - I forgot where I'd nicked it from! Not the first time I've done that. Agolopies.
Oops, silly me - I forgot where I'd nicked it from! Not the first time I've done that. Agolopies.
There's no such thing as too many times to call Jacob Rees Mogg a victorian knob.
.I think you forgot the attachment.
I think you forgot the attachment.Ta. Added
Q: How many trans activists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, since they all rely on gaslighting!
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?Real Madrid 1 - Surreal Madrid Fish
A: A fish.
Did you here about the female Starfleet captain who encountered the Klingons?Why is the USS Enterprise like a bog roll?
She Shatner pants.
From the Uxbridge English Dictionary:I was struggling with the first because Mary Berry got stuck in my head.
Halifax - Ms Berry's biography.
Tupperware - what a Yorkshireman wears on his top half.
Mendicant - treat Piers Morgan's injury
Flapdoodle - tattoo on a lady's intimate parts
Dictaphone - unsolicited gay porn
I was struggling with the first because Mary Berry got stuck in my head.;D
Knock knock.Our son's favourite when he was about her age except we used the "impatient sheep" version!
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
InterrupMOOO!
Princess Charlotte's favourite joke at the moment, according to William.
.
Just watched the latest episode of BBC's coverage of the Chelsea Flower , with the automatic subtitles because I'm a deaf old git. One interviewed expert was talking about the ideal position for a particular plant. he said "semi or full sun", but it came out in the subtitles as "semi-awful son"!I remember during Charles and Dian's wedding that they were about to walk down the 'Redcar pet'.
Years ago, I was chatting to a North Sea diver on the way up to Shetland,who told me of the time he took his wife and mother in law to a wildlife park. As the monkeys clambered over his car, one enterprising simian discovered that inserting his cock betwixt the wiper and the windscreen would give a satisfactory simulation of a lady monkey's front bottom. The diver, and his mother in law, who was sitting in the front passenger seat, were then treated to a few minutes of hot monkey lipstick action, before said monkey came his ninepence and left monkey mess in the driver's view.
Apparently, putting the wipers on only spreads it about a bit...
There was an explosion in the law enforcement toilet block.They have said it's their priority but I think they are just going through the motions
Police have nothing to go on.
I'll get me coat.
They have said it's their priority but I think they are just going through the motionsLike someone swimming at the British seaside. It's so polluted, even atheists can walk on the water.
There was an explosion overnight at the paint factory.
The duty security guard is missing presumed red.
There was an explosion overnight at the paint factory.
The duty security guard is missing presumed red.
Guess what?
I got hit on the head by a can of Coke this morning. Don't worry though, I'm not hurt.
Coke is a soft drink
I've just looked at my bank statement and saw items which I hadn't bought.You're lucky. My bank account shows the purchase of a box set of Doc Martin. It's been Cluned.
A water pistol
Size 18 red shoes
A false red nose
Colourful trousers
A trumpet.....
I think my bank card has been clowned.
"Latin's a dead language as dead as dead can be, first it killed the Romans, now its killing me." ( When I was a child the pupils used to chant this at the Ladies College I attended whenever the Latin master was about to put in an appearance.)
Jacob Rees MoggWhat about him?
What about him?
Wouldn't this just be chess?
I applied for a job as Morpheus' PA. I thought it was a dream job, but it turned into a nightmare.I once got a job as a doctor with. the World Health Organisation I thought I was auditioning for Doctor Who.
????????????Highlander
...
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me
Hangin' out the passenger side
Of his best friend's ride
Trying to holla at me
So no, I don't want your number
No, I don't want to give you mine and
No, I don't want to meet you nowhere
No, I don't want none of your time
... etc
There are still some things on Twitter that make me laugh
When you were a kid, did you knock on people's doors, then run away before they could answer? If so, Parcelforce are hiring...See reply 2092
See reply 2092Oh shit! That's where I pinched it from, but I thought it was somewhere else!
..
Someone who buys the Mail each day could save around £700 per year. That’s over twice the annual payments for Winter Fuel Allowance.Yes, but then they'd have to buy bog-rolls.
Just a thought.
I always wondered about the difference between grey and gray. After extensive research, I've discovered it.That's a bit of a grey area.
It turns out that grey is a colour but gray is a color.
;D
I can't unsee that now.;D
I was watching Australian Master Chef last night. Some guy made a meringue and everybody cheered.A bloke went into a baker's, pointed to something on the shelf, and said "Is that an éclair or a meringue?" .The baker said "No, you're right, it's an éclair."
I thought… That's odd, normally in Australia they boo meringue.
A bloke went into a baker's, pointed to something on the shelf, and said "Is that an éclair or a meringue?" .The baker said "No, you're right, it's an éclair."
.Not as good as 'Gritter Thunberg'.
A bit of a boob, but an amusing mammary for the future.
Book recommendation Cannibalism by Henrietta Mann.Spoonerisms by Mary Hinge.
On the road by John Bitumen
.
American beer is a lot like fucking in a canoe.
It's very close to water.
.