How Social Belonging Trumps Everything

[Keith Maitland]

The need for social belonging is the primal human need - and failure to have it satisfied is subjectively worse than death.

People don't commit suicide out of just any sorrow.

What suffering, specifically, is bad enough to cause people to want to pull the plug on existence itself? It is only and exclusively social pain.

RTWT here

http://theviewfromhell.blogspot.com/2011/05/maslow-be-damned-how-social-belonging.html


Thoughts?

[Bubbles]

The need for social belonging is the primal human need - and failure to have it satisfied is subjectively worse than death.

People don't commit suicide out of just any sorrow.

What suffering, specifically, is bad enough to cause people to want to pull the plug on existence itself? It is only and exclusively social pain.

RTWT here

http://theviewfromhell.blogspot.com/2011/05/maslow-be-damned-how-social-belonging.html


Thoughts?

I wouldn't know, I'm a bit of a loner. I always have been.

Some people like a small circle of good friends, and couldn't give a monkeys about social belonging.

In fact, eccentrics take great pride in being on the edge and not pursuing social belonging

It's not something to commit suicide over.

You have to learn to walk your own path and have lots of interests.

Chasing after social belonging isn't the way to go IMO, you have to learn to be independent and find hobbies and interests and get out there, and join in, and stop worrying about other people thinking you are a bit odd

Be a bit odd and happy.

Be an individual.


Stop reading blogs by people who write this rubbish

A conscientious actor with a passing familiarity with evolutionary psychology literature will know that smiling at a stranger is potentially damaging, especially if the actor is attractive. When a woman smiles and acts warmly toward a man, he becomes less satisfied with his current partner. So smiling at a stranger may damage his relationship - negatively affecting not just him, but those around him as well, such as his partner and children.

What a miserable git!

A smile from a stranger can brighten your day, is not going to damage anyone, and doesn't mean they fancy you, it's just a smile.

 

You might find life more fun Keith if you threw this trash in the bin, put your best foot forward and gave every stranger you meet a big sunshiny grin.


😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀

Merry Christmas Keith

🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄

😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀

[floo]

I like my own company. I dislike socialising and apart from close family gatherings avoid it if I can.

[Sriram]

The need for social belonging is the primal human need - and failure to have it satisfied is subjectively worse than death.

People don't commit suicide out of just any sorrow.

What suffering, specifically, is bad enough to cause people to want to pull the plug on existence itself? It is only and exclusively social pain.

RTWT here

http://theviewfromhell.blogspot.com/2011/05/maslow-be-damned-how-social-belonging.html


Thoughts?

Yes....I agree. It may not trump everything else....but it is a very important need none the less.  Its not about socializing....its about a sense of belonging.

Family is the primary such group, then the extended family and then the larger social groups that we identify with emotionally. The emotional content and sense of belonging is most important here.

This is one of the reasons why  religious people derive so much satisfaction through belonging to a group.....across geographical borders, across racial differences, gender and so on. 

 

[Brownie]

I like my own company too, it's good to 'meet' others on here who aren't hung up about having people around them all the time.  I'm not saying I have never enjoyed social gatherings, of course I have, and friends, but I always like to know I can get home and have time to myself.  Never enjoyed staying with people.  It was OK to bunk down for the night as long as I could get up and go home the next morning, the idea of getting up, hanging about, breakfasting, making small talk, terrifies me.

It's a flipping cheek for people to write and talk about how sad it is for people to be on their own (of course I am not on my own, don't live alone, but do spend a lot of time alone, particularly since I gave up work), not everyone is the same.  It is sad for some people to be alone.

I've experienced acute loneliness at times in the past, I remember and recognise the feeling though it was a long time ago.  It had nothing to do with being with others, indeed when I was young there were usually people around me and I felt isolated.

We are individuals, generalisations should not be made.

[Sriram]

I like my own company too, it's good to 'meet' others on here who aren't hung up about having people around them all the time.  I'm not saying I have never enjoyed social gatherings, of course I have, and friends, but I always like to know I can get home and have time to myself.  Never enjoyed staying with people.  It was OK to bunk down for the night as long as I could get up and go home the next morning, the idea of getting up, hanging about, breakfasting, making small talk, terrifies me.

It's a flipping cheek for people to write and talk about how sad it is for people to be on their own (of course I am not on my own, don't live alone, but do spend a lot of time alone, particularly since I gave up work), not everyone is the same.  It is sad for some people to be alone.

I've experienced acute loneliness at times in the past, I remember and recognise the feeling though it was a long time ago.  It had nothing to do with being with others, indeed when I was young there were usually people around me and I felt isolated.

We are individuals, generalisations should not be made.

We may be individuals....but we are social animals. We grow and develop only through social contact.  Without social contact and social belonging we will not be able to develop properly. 

The OP is not about a persons preference for live alone....its about belonging to a social setting.  You may prefer to stay alone...but you still belong in Britain and in a certain social group which you consider as yours. 

You may not be able to live the same comfortable life (alone) in a country and in a social setting  to which you don't belong. 

[Brownie]

It's important to have your preferred structure in place.  Then you can feel secure.

Of course we have to rub along with others and it is often rewarding, it would be unusual for a young person not to want to go out and mix, meet people, and we do that at work too - all I am saying is that some are more social than others.  There's nothing wrong in being a loner, company should not be foisted on those who don't particuarly want or need it.  Nothing worse than feeling trapped in a social situation with no escape.

[Shaker]

There seems to be a general trend for perceiving loners as misfits and oddballs, though - usually on the back of news reports about some school shooter (for instance) whose neighbours tell the TV news person "He was very quiet ... always kept himself to himself ..." For people who aren't particularly sociable and like doing their own thing quietly this sort of stereotyping and guilt by association can be quite damaging.

Everybody is different in how much social interaction they want/feel comfortable with - the comment above about it being sad for some people to be alone was spot on.

[floo]

People who don't know me well would never guess I don't enjoy social situations, like pubs, parties, eating out, weddings etc. I can chat for the universe when meeting people out on my daily walks!

[Rhiannon]

# 7 Shaker, yes, I think that's right.

And on a day-to-day basis there's the annoying tendency of the sociable to 'help' those of us that aren't by trying to persuade us to join them. PTA coffee mornings and girls nights out are like some kind of CIA torture device as far as I'm concerned, but I'm still thought of as weird for not joining in.

[floo]

I know I am weird, but couldn't care less, I have never wanted to fit it, even as a kid!

[Rhiannon]

No, I don't mind being on the outside either, but as a society we aren't good at tolerating those who have that as a preference.

[floo]

No, I don't mind being on the outside either, but as a society we aren't good at tolerating those who have that as a preference.

My mother was always asking where she went wrong with me!

[Shaker]

No, I don't mind being on the outside either, but as a society we aren't good at tolerating those who have that as a preference.

Society is far better at tolerating certain things now - sexuality or physical/mental disability or age - but certain other things continue to lag behind.

[Rhiannon]

Society is far better at tolerating certain things now - sexuality or physical/mental disability or age - but certain other things continue to lag behind.

The biggest problem I encounter is a lack of empathy. There's an incomprehension that just because they like a certain kind of social life, that doesn't mean I'm unhappy because I don't want to share it.

[Brownie]

# 7 Shaker, yes, I think that's right.

And on a day-to-day basis there's the annoying tendency of the sociable to 'help' those of us that aren't by trying to persuade us to join them. PTA coffee mornings and girls nights out are like some kind of CIA torture device as far as I'm concerned, but I'm still thought of as weird for not joining in.

None of that is weird, Rhiannon, you are just you.  Same for Floo.  It's unfortunate that some others expect everyone to feel the same way as they do. 

When we have kids we are prepared to put ourselves in situations which, normally, we wouldn't find comfortable - and not let them know how we feel too, so they are happy.  Most of us will do that, our children are more important than our feelings.  When they are grown up and flown the nest, we no longer have to, or certainly not the same things :-).

[Rhiannon]

Yes, that can be a problem - I have wondered if my kids would have better social lives if I put myself out more. Fortunately though they seem to manage just fine in spite of me. 

[Brownie]

As long as you loved them and encouraged them to live their own lives, they will be fine.  I think sometimes we spend too much time pondering about such things.  I'm sure you did put yourself out in some ways but we all have limits.  Ask yourself, did your parents bend over backwards to please you all the time?  Mine certainly didn't  , but they did some things to accommodate me, the best they could according to their lights.

(I positively refused to go camping!  Like Judge Judy, I'm an "Indoor plumbing kinda gal".)

[Rhiannon]

In danger of going off topic, but I agree, we tend to overthink the parenting thing. I've done what I have to the best of my capabilities.

I've often fancied going to music festivals but the lack of a decent on-site hotel puts me off.

[Shaker]

Really not in the spirit of the thing, Rhi

[Rhiannon]

So I've gathered. I've never got why the combination of good music and gastroenteritis is so appealing.

[Dicky Underpants]

The need for social belonging is the primal human need - and failure to have it satisfied is subjectively worse than death.

People don't commit suicide out of just any sorrow.

What suffering, specifically, is bad enough to cause people to want to pull the plug on existence itself? It is only and exclusively social pain.

RTWT here

http://theviewfromhell.blogspot.com/2011/05/maslow-be-damned-how-social-belonging.html


Thoughts?

Well, I can state categorically from my own experience it is not exclusively social pain that promotes suicidal thoughts. But you've made a reference to Maslow, and I suppose this implies his 'Hierarchy of Needs'. He didn't believe that the 'social' level was the highest in this hierarchy. On the other hand, he did believe that those social needs had to be fulfilled to some extent before humans could move on to the highest level - self-actualisation. However, even here, we see numerous examples from history of socially unfulfilled individuals who have nonetheless had rewarding lives because they were determined to follow their own innate talents and develop them*.
When an individual is thwarted on a number of these levels, then you can experience real pain. It can be simply the pain of illness or disablement that can thwart one on the social and the talent-fulfilling level. That's real pain. Not every disabled person is a Stephen Hawking who can rise above his circumstances because of innate brilliance.

*Nietzsche, post-Wagner is a pretty good example.

[Brownie]

Music festivals can be great fun but I am certainly not saying you should go, or should have gone.  It's quite possible to go for a day though, we used to do that and outside concerts in fields and parks, as well as indoor gigs and concerts.  That was OK, no effort on my part because I liked all that, did it when I was young too.  Never went to Glastonbury unfortunately but my offspring has - stayed in a Winnebago two years running.   Apparently Glastonbury has a really nice vibe, a lot of festivals do.  The V Festival is a bit rough.

Well, that's my thing and I wouldn't dream of inflicting it on anyone who didn't like it!  It's also several years since I last went to anything like that, I prefer BBC4 :-).

Thing is, when I was a youngster, I often met like minded people at events, people who the more straight types would consider to be on the outside.   Wonderful!

I don't wish I was young again, too much angst (& parents), but am glad I had experiences.  Some of them anyway.

[Jack Knave]

Really not in the spirit of the thing, Rhi

It's not the spirit, Shakes, it's the smell.

One festival I went to I found out later that one of our friends didn't go for a shit the whole time just held it back. 

[Jack Knave]

Nietzsche - "God is dead". Mankind's success has run himself a ground. We have chewed every last morsel of life's sustenance and still we are not satisfied, but the cupboard is now bare. And so now we have to do the work that our gods once did.


Behavioural Sink.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Behavioral_sink