But in all this you are in denial what is central to you, what defines you.
Nope, that is what you keep on doing. In particular, you keep trying to exclude
everything from being a part of you. So if you make a choice entirely because of who you are and the circumstances (internal and external reasons) then somehow it isn't you that's making the choice.
The opposite is true:
unless your choices are fully decided by what you are, then they can't be your choices.
You are more than just pre defined reasons. You are the reason. You are in control of yourself.
I am
something, not nothing. You seem unable to grasp that there is stuff going on
inside you and it must all be happening for reasons, even though it's internal to who you are. If this were not the case, you couldn't think or make any choices at all and if what was happening inside you wasn't entirely due to reasons, it would have to be random.
You can't ignore what is inside you and you can't pretend it isn't subject to logic. It can't magically do something not for reasons and for reasons at the same time and a reason can't be its own reason to happen without it actually being for no reason (random).