Modern Parenting

[Sriram]

Hi everyone,

Here is a Science Daily article (2013) about modern parenting and its consequences.

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/01/130107110538.htm

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Social practices and cultural beliefs of modern life are preventing healthy brain and emotional development in children, according to an interdisciplinary body of research presented recently at a symposium at the University of Notre Dame.

"Life outcomes for American youth are worsening, especially in comparison to 50 years ago," says Darcia Narvaez, Notre Dame professor of psychology who specializes in moral development in children and how early life experiences can influence brain development.

"Ill-advised practices and beliefs have become commonplace in our culture, such as the use of infant formula, the isolation of infants in their own rooms or the belief that responding too quickly to a fussing baby will 'spoil' it," Narvaez says.

"Breast-feeding infants, responsiveness to crying, almost constant touch and having multiple adult caregivers are some of the nurturing ancestral parenting practices that are shown to positively impact the developing brain, which not only shapes personality, but also helps physical health and moral development," says Narvaez.

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Any views?

Sriram

[Rhiannon]

Yes, the 'cultural practices' described haven't been the norm for thirty years or more, at least here in the UK. Not picking up a crying baby in case it gets 'spoiled' (like off milk presumably) was something our mothers were told and it has rightly been consigned to the parenting dustbin. Most mothers I know breastfed and those that didn't had to stop for medical reasons, I don't know anyone who put their babies in a 'nursery' bedroom under the age of six months (my children moved to their own rooms between 18 months and 2, although all three will still make their way into my room occasionally even now) and 'baby wearing' (carrying a baby in a sling most of the time) is becoming more popular.

[floo]

I agree with Rhiannon that the sort of parenting you mention is a bit out of date, in some ways more's the pity.

I think many parents are too lenient with their kids these days. Whilst a baby shouldn't be left to cry too long it does no harm to leave it for a few minutes, whilst you attend to other things. Our middle daughter squawked for ten whole awful months, it would have been impossible to pick her up every time she cried, I had another child to look after, and a husband and home which needed my attention too. I also believe a baby should be consigned to the nursery after the first week or two, my husband would certainly not have tolerated a baby in our room for long!

I am  a believer in a slap on the hand if kids don't do as they are told having received a warning first. My kids seem to view their childhood with pleasure so I must have done something right.

[Rhiannon]

There are times when it would have been unsafe for me to attend a baby because I was doing something important with another child. Otherwise I've never left a baby to cry. picking up a crying baby isn't being 'lenient' - a distressed baby isn't being naughty.

One thing I really hate is when someone (often a grandparent) describes a baby as 'good', meaning 'doesn't cry' and 'sleeps a lot'. Like crying babies and wakeful babies are 'bad'. 

[Hope]

Yes, the 'cultural practices' described haven't been the norm for thirty years or more, at least here in the UK. Not picking up a crying baby in case it gets 'spoiled' (like off milk presumably) was something our mothers were told and it has rightly been consigned to the parenting dustbin.

Not sure that there has ever been any positive evidence for the consigning of this practice to the parenting dustbin.

[Hope]

I am  a believer in a slap on the hand if kids don't do as they are told having received a warning first. My kids seem to view their childhood with pleasure so I must have done something right.

I would agree with you here, Floo.

[floo]

Good discipline begins in the cradle, imo. A baby should not immediately get attention the second it craves it. Obviously if it is in pain, or real distress, then of course immediate attention is called for. Children need the right sort of attention to educate and nurture them. I set aside daily baby time when I would devote my whole attention to them. As they grew older my husband, who was useless, and then some, with small infants, would teach them to play board games of all kinds, and read to them. I remember our eldest thoroughly enjoying the unabridged version of 'Wind in the Willows' at 18 months old. On the occasions my husband gave her breakfast, he would cut up her toast in the shape of a jigsaw, buttered on both sides, to make it harder, and she had to put the jigsaw together before eating it, this was before she was two! 

I am a great believer in children adhering to fixed bedtimes, whenever possible. Parents need a kid free time together to regain what passes for sanity. Children shouldn't expect to be the centre of attention 24/7, spoiling a child only causes problems further down the line.

When our children were small they had carefully chosen presents for Christmas and birthdays, but we certainly didn't go mad with a room full of presents, even if we could have afforded it, which some spoilt little brats seem to expect these days!  Some of their presents are still around and delighting the grandchildren!

Too many parents coddle their kids in an outrageous fashion these days, which does them no favours at all. In an age appropriate way children need to take responsibility for their actions, as people of my age had to do as children. A few cuts and scrapes are normal in childhood.

Obviously in this computer age there are dangers which weren't around heretofore. Parents should know what their kids are getting up to on their computers/phones and check them regularly for any inappropriate activity.

Children require sensible parenting and know that the parents are in ultimate charge. However, a good parent should always apologise to their offspring when they screw up as inevitably happens.

[SweetPea]

I'm enjoying the grandparenting experience at the moment. I'd heard people say it's different to the experience you have with your children, and it's true. When with the wee souls I feel perfectly relaxed and there's no sense of anxiety that can appear sometimes with your own brood. Both sets of parents say the children don't seem to be difficult for either myself or their other grandmother in the same way they can be for them.

Ha,ha..... may have spoken too soon! 

[Hope]

I sometimes believe that society has this belief that 'modern' equates with 'better'.  Not sure that it is always true.

[Harrowby Hall]

What is all so new about this?

Benjamin Spock published The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care in 1946.

I have forgotten the name of the (I think) New Zealander whose regimented approach to child rearing owed more to the behaviourism of J B Watson than to common humanity.

[Rhiannon]

Gina Ford, HH.

I don't get this assumption that parents who follow 'modern' parenting methods (eg picking up a crying baby) therefore overindulge their children with no boundaries or proper attention. I realised fairly early on in my eldest's infancy that she thrived on a flexible routine, especially around bedtime. The more kids I had, the more routine became important, so that each child felt secure with special time and group time - reading, messy play, tea parties, water play and free play slotted in around meals, naps and bed time.

Having a child in the same room as its parents has been indicated in reducing cot death. Having known people who have lost a child that way I simply cannot comprehend jettisoning such a tiny vulnerable human being down the hall for my own convenience, let alone the father's, when the science says they are safest close to me.

And to repeat: a baby cannot be spoilt. They are not a slab of meat that goes rotten. Especially just because they are consistently shown love and attachment. It is known through psychological studies that a baby that is consistently empathised with and shown love is more likely to be a secure, empathetic adult.

[floo]

We will have to agree to differ Rhiannon, I believe a baby can be spoilt and should not be picked up the second it cries, unless there is a problem.

[Rhiannon]

The crying indicates that there is a problem, Floo. It's the only way a baby can tell you it has one.

[floo]

The crying indicates that there is a problem, Floo. It's the only way a baby can tell you it has one.

It doesn't always indicate a problem, my middle daughter cried for 10 months, there wasn't anything wrong with her. If I had dropped everything every time she cried I would never have got anything else done, my older daughter needed attention too!

[Rhiannon]

My younger daughter was the same, I know how exhausting it is. On her part it was mostly frustration and she settled once she was old enough to join a Montessori pre-school. She was a late talker as well, and showed no interest in books until she was seven, even though she could read before she started school. Now she's been indentified as a 'gifted' child and her reading age is 16+.

[floo]

My younger daughter was the same, I know how exhausting it is. On her part it was mostly frustration and she settled once she was old enough to join a Montessori pre-school. She was a late talker as well, and showed no interest in books until she was seven, even though she could read before she started school. Now she's been indentified as a 'gifted' child and her reading age is 16+.

Our middle daughter (now 41) didn't like books much either, unlike her two sisters. She struggled a bit with reading, and we assumed she wasn't quite as bright as her two sisters. It was only when she went to university  we discovered she not only has a Mensa level intelligence she is quite severely dyslexic too, WHOOPS! However, when she was young dyslexia wasn't as well known as it is now. Her youngest son (11) was picked up with the problem quite early fortunately, she home schools both her boys and they are doing better than when they were at school.

[BashfulAnthony]

My younger daughter was the same, I know how exhausting it is. On her part it was mostly frustration and she settled once she was old enough to join a Montessori pre-school. She was a late talker as well, and showed no interest in books until she was seven, even though she could read before she started school. Now she's been indentified as a 'gifted' child and her reading age is 16+.

Our middle daughter (now 41) didn't like books much either, unlike her two sisters. She struggled a bit with reading, and we assumed she wasn't quite as bright as her two sisters. It was only when she went to university  we discovered she not only has a Mensa level intelligence she is quite severely dyslexic too, WHOOPS! However, when she was young dyslexia wasn't as well known as it is now. Her youngest son (11) was picked up with the problem quite early fortunately, she home schools both her boys and they are doing better than when they were at school.

Does "doing better" extend to the social and sporting life that they must miss out on?

[floo]

My home schooled grandsons don't miss out on anything, including social and sporting activities. The eldest is gradually collecting his karate belts, the younger one is in a trampoline squad and takes part in competitions. As for social activities they always seem to be out and about doing something with other kids. The elder one took part in a play a couple of weeks ago, which was brilliant, as he was very nervous of performing in front of so many people as he suffers from anxiety syndrome as well as Aspergers.

[BashfulAnthony]

My home schooled grandsons don't miss out on anything, including social and sporting activities. The eldest is gradually collecting his karate belts, the younger one is in a trampoline squad and takes part in competitions. As for social activities they always seem to be out and about doing something with other kids. The elder one took part in a play a couple of weeks ago, which was brilliant, as he was very nervous of performing in front of so many people as he suffers from anxiety syndrome as well as Aspergers.

And all the school activities, designed to promote the need to work in a community and share one's experiences with others, what of those?  If it was possible to give a fully rounded and complete education, away from the school environment, then we would all be keen to do so.  It is not.

[floo]

Their LEA couldn't provide the education either boy required, so home schooling was the only option and not entered into lightly at all. It costs their parents a fortune to ensure both boys have the courses they require, they also attend language classes.

[BashfulAnthony]

As usual BA you haven't a clue  what you are talking about! Their LEA couldn't provide the education either boy required, so home schooling was the only option and not entered into lightly at all. It costs their parents a fortune to ensure both boys have the courses they require, they also attend language classes.

As a former teacher, I assure you, I do have, a clue.  I don't know what your personal credentials are, but you most certainly don't appreciate the need for children to attend mainstream schools and to receive a fully rounded education.

[floo]

Deleted

[BashfulAnthony]

As usual BA you haven't a clue  what you are talking about! Their LEA couldn't provide the education either boy required, so home schooling was the only option and not entered into lightly at all. It costs their parents a fortune to ensure both boys have the courses they require, they also attend language classes.

As a former teacher, I assure you, I do have, a clue.  I don't know what your personal credentials are, but you most certainly don't appreciate the need for children to attend mainstream schools and to receive a fully rounded education.

I do wonder what sort of teacher you were! You don't appear to have a clue about a great many things, I hope that didn't hold your former pupils back. 

Nasty old Floo trying to get her own back, and simply showing how inadequate and puerile she is.  Goodness knows how you could ever have been in any way associated with teaching  children at home, in your ignorance and bias.

[floo]

When I home schooled my Down's Syndrome son from 5-16, I called the school inspectors in on a regular basis to check I was doing it right, even though there was no obligation on me to do so! Not wishing to blow my own trumpet, but I must have been doing something right as they told me a school could not provide him with the good standard of education he was getting at home. As my husband was a head teacher, and our eldest girl a primary school teacher whilst he was of primary school age, I had plenty of support and advice!

[BashfulAnthony]

BA is such a sad little creature, one has to feel sorry for him! When I home schooled my Down's Syndrome son from 5-16, I called the school inspectors in on a regular basis to check I was doing it right, even though there was no obligation on me to do so! Not wishing to blow my own trumpet, but I must have been doing something right as they told me a school could not provide him with the good standard of education he was getting at home. As my husband was a head teacher, and our eldest girl a primary school teacher whilst he was of primary school age, I had plenty of support and advice!

Not so much of the little!

Why is it the norm for schooling as we have it established now, and what is accepted as such by the vast majority, if home schooling is such a wonderful alternative?  Anyway, we only have your, biased, opinion, that what you did was so successful.. A sound, all-round education, in a regular school, is still the nonly effective schooling method.