Read this and wait for the whatnot to hit the fan!

[Bubbles]

Well there is a Pagan website that has some jokes and points out that sometimes Pagans find it hard to laugh at themselves.

Insert your tongue firmly into your cheek and go for this rollicking ride through irreverent Pagan jokes if you dare because let’s face it, if we take ourselves too seriously and resist mocking our own stereotypes, we are no better than “they.” These are not all my own creations (some are), but are common Pagan cultural canon. No copyright infringement is intended or suspected and any teasing is meant with love. So here we go.


http://www.patheos.com/blogs/energymagic/2015/08/paganjokes/

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
Alexandrian/Gardnerian: To reveal this would be to break my oath of secrecy. I can say, however, that it is an ancient rite, dating far back in time to 1951, and I have learned it from an unbroken lineage.

Asatru: First, we don’t believe in a “One Chicken” or a “Hen and Rooster.” We believe in many chickens. Second, “crossing the road” is part of the three levels, or worlds, and the chicken simply crossed from one level to another. Hail to the Chickens!

British Traditional: The word “chicken” comes from a very specific Old English word (“gechekken”), and it only properly applies to certain fowl of East Anglia or those descended therefrom. As for the rest, I suppose they are doing something remotely similar to crossing the road, but you must remember that traditional roads are not to be confused with the modern roads….

Celtic: In County Feedbeygohn on Midsummer’s day, there is still practiced St. Henny’s Dance, which is a survival of the old pagan Chicken Crossing fertility rite. Today, modern Pagans are reviving the practice, dedicated to the Hen and the Green Rooster.

Ceremonial Mage: “Crossing the road” is a phrase that summarizes many magical structures erected and timed by the chicken to produce the energy necessary for the intention of the travel across the road. For example, the astrological correspondences had to be correct, the moon had to be waxing (if the chicken intended to come to the other side of the road) or waning (if the chicken intended to flee to the other side of the road), and the chicken had to prepare herself through fasting and proper incantations. Note: certain forms of invocation (summoning an egg *inside* your chicken self) can produce abnormal or even dangerous eggs and should only be conducted inside a properly erected barnyard….

Chaos Magician: Thinking in terms of “roads” and “crossings” is simply looking at the formal, typically perceived structure of chicken crossing space-time. We, instead, focus on the possibility of chicken crossing itself; what appears to be a random act is thus actually the norm —- it is the **road** which is the freak of chance. Indeed, quantum mechanics now demonstrates what we knew all along: two roads can simultaneously exist in the same place at the same time. Thus, by attuning ourselves to the dynamic energy (called “crossing”), we can manifest the road. Of course, to the knowledgeable, this appears as a chicken crossing the road.

Dianic: The chykyn (“chicken” is term of patriarchal oppression) sought to reclaim for herself the right to be on the other side of the road, after it had been denied to her for centuries. By doing so, she reawakened the power of the Hen within herself.

Druid: To get to the sacred grove, of course. Keep in mind that 99% of everything written about chickens-crossing-the-road is pure hogwash, based on biased sources. Yes, there were a few unfortunate chicken sacrifices in the past, but that is over now…

Eclectic: Because it seemed right to her at the time. She used some Egyptian style corn and a Celtic sounding word for the road and incorporated some Native American elements into her Corn-name, Chicken-Who-Dances-and-Runs-with-the-Wolves.

Feri: In twilight times and under sparkling stars, those properly trained can still see the chickens crossing the roads. Reconnecting with these “fey-fowl” as they cross is crucial to restoring the balance between the energies of modern development and living with the earth.

Hipster Pagan: It is a special breed of chicken. You probably haven’t heard of it.

Kitchen Witch:  *burp*  What chicken?

New Age: The chicken crossed the road because she chose this as one her lessons to learn in this life. Besides, there was so much incense and bright, white corn to explore on the Other Side.

Online Pagan Discussion Group: What do you mean why did the chicken cross the road?!!!??? Haven’t you read **any** of the previous posts? We’ve been [expletive deleted] debating every word of that question, painstakingly trying to come to some kind of answer. I know you wrote all i wnted to know was why chickens cross the road, i’m not looking for any chicken spells but I’m fed up with newbies who can’t even bother to REEEEEEEEAAADDD the posts on that very topic! No, this is *not* a flame. But, I and several others here have the *maturity* to properly explore and respond to this question, and we were properly trained; we *didn’t* just read a book and think we were full-fledged chickens. GAWD. I am going offline for a while. I can’t stand the negativity here.

Voudon:  Because it found Marie Laveaux’s non-existent spell book and did not like where the ritual was heading.

Wiccan: The chicken crossed the road because she felt like she was finally “coming home.” She could do it alone or with others, but she had to call to the Guardians of the Watchtowers of the Barnyard first.

  

[Gonnagle]

Dear Owlswing,

I am better than you ( why does this forum not have a right sarcastic bastard smiley )

Justin and Christian prawns don't have names, well do they!! Or am I being anti prawn, no, I like prawns, Garlic are their best friends.

One of the most frightening things about this thread, my old pal Trent enjoyed your joke, I will pray for the return of his sense of humour

Can Christians laugh at ourselves, well the bottom line is ( bottom line man ) we are a right weird lot, this forum is testament to this, me, I rejoice in that weirdness, what is it Christians say "we are not of this world" damn straight!! When I read some so called Christian posts on here, I think, pal you are away with the fairies, but then maybe it is me who is away with the fairies

Anyway, what's this thread about, oh yes Justin and Christian, did they become friends again, I hope so, I like a happy ending

Gonnagle.

[Brownie]

I found the story incredibly sad and moving and am now off to open another box of tissues  .

[Maeght]

Maeght

It was nothing to do with the joke - which I found very funny. It was to do with this statement:

I don't accept that at all - some Christians may not be able to laugh at their religion but I would suggest there are a greater number who do see the funny side of things relating to Christianity. It was the blanket generalisation.

I'm sure every Pagan is possessed of an excellent sense of humour and would never object to their religion being made fun of.

Yes I agree - and was sort of the point I was trying to make. The joke is irrelevant as it wasn't about Christians or Christianity but the title, and as you say the comment about the difference between Pagans and Christians, are the issues.

[Gonnagle]

Dear Brownie,

I found the story incredibly sad and moving and am now off to open another box of tissues

Yes! Trent and Maeght are so heartless, laughing at the plight of those two small prawns.

Gonnagle.

[Brownie]

They see those prawns merely as pawns in their game, it beggars belief. 

[Owlswing]

I always got the joke - I didn't get your judgemental attitude to Christians as highlighted above.

Could you please try to read for comprehension or are you trying to emulate Sassy's style of posting?

And for your information I'm an atheist - and a fairly laid back one at that (not an antitheist) not a fanatical fundamentalist.

If you aren't prepared to address the point of your blanket judgement of Christians I'll leave it at that. The criticism was never about the joke. Got it yet?

I did not make a blanket judgement of Christians! I made a comment based upon several years of reading posts from the fundamentalist Christians who post on here. Seeing as how one of them reacted exactly as I expected/predicted in the first post after the OP I wasn't far wrong was I?

[Owlswing]

Well there is a Pagan website that has some jokes and points out that sometimes Pagans find it hard to laugh at themselves.


  

It would be a miracle if there were no pagans who did not take themselves so seriously that they cannot laugh at themselves - most of those that I have met and spoken to consider humour to be a gift from the Goddess and that it would be blasphemy not to enjoy it in all its forms regardless of target

Incidentally the site you quote is American and I have pointed out before that what Americans call Wicca/wicca/witchcraft is not the same as what is called by these names in this country.

Here are the rest of the jokes from that page:


What..?

What is the difference between New Age and Pagan?
Around $500.00 a weekend.

What is the definition of a saint?
A dead liberal who is worshiped by living conservatives.

What do you call 13 Witches in a hot tub?
A Self-Cleaning Coven

What is one thing Homeland Security never worries about?
An airplane being hijacked by a group of radical Unitarians.

What is the definition of Atheism?
A non-prophet organization.

What do you call a dating club for unattached Witches?
Craft singles
Bumper Stickers:

The Goddess is alive and She ate my homework.

Please hold. All muses are busy right now, but your inspiration is important to us…
Proof that M&Ms are Pagan:

MM = Merry Meet

Round shape for wheel of the year, cycle of seasons

Skins are different colors, but the inside is the same chocolate, because we are all related

Associations with the colors: Red = South, Blue = West, Green = North, Yellow = East, Orange = Sun God, Brown = Earth Mother

Rotate the M & M clockwise 90 degrees: 3 = Triple Goddess, three phases of moon

Rotate the M&M clockwise 180 degrees: W = Witchcraft, Wiccan

Rotate the M&M clockwise 270 degrees: E = Enlightenment, Enchantment of chocolate

Upright: M = 13th letter of alphabet and there are 13 witches in a coven
Light Bulb Jokes:

How many Dianics does it take to change a light bulb?
One hundred fifty one — One to change the light bulb, one hundred to prepare the environmental impact statement, and the rest to do a self-criticism afterwards…

How many Druids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don’t screw in light bulbs, they screw in Stone Circles.

How many Sumerians does it take to change a light bulb?
Thirteen. One to hold the bulb and twelve to drink enough to make the room spin.

How many British Traditional Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
Can’t tell you. It’s a third degree question.

How many Alexandrian Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
I don’t know, let me ask a Gardnerian.

How many online school initiated Wiccans does it take to change a light bulb?”
One! Just you! That’s right, YOU! And for only $195 we’ll send you our complete “Witches Magic Power of Light Bulb Changing Course” with real knowledge that you can apply this to ANY light bulb ANYWHERE! Listen to the testimony of a young couple from Wisconsin who…”

How many Pagans does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that light bulbs never burned out before those damned Christians came along and stole them.

How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
That depends. What do you want it changed into?

How many reconstructionist Pagans does it take to change a light bulb?
Fourteen. One to do it, one to write poetry about it, and twelve to hold a Council and decide whether or not the poem is authentic.

How many  Sex Magic practitioners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only two, but they have to be very small..

[Maeght]

I did not make a blanket judgement of Christians! I made a comment based upon several years of reading posts from the fundamentalist Christians who post on here. Seeing as how one of them reacted exactly as I expected/predicted in the first post after the OP I wasn't far wrong was I?

So when you said 'You see, that is one of the major diferences between pagans and Christians, is that we can laugh at ourselves even when the joke is on us!' you weren't making a blanket statement about all Christians? A 'some' or 'certain' somewhere would have helped if that was the case.

[Owlswing]

So when you said 'You see, that is one of the major diferences between pagans and Christians, is that we can laugh at ourselves even when the joke is on us!' you weren't making a blanket statement about all Christians? A 'some' or 'certian' somewhere would have helped if that was the case.

It might

[Sassy]

I personally, would not have admitted to knowing that one!

Brave man Gunga din.

[Sassy]

I suppose that you have never ever posted anything that was considered questionable! I'll keep my imperfections and my sense of humour thanks. It might not be the best in the world but it has kept me out of 'hospital'.

If you can come up with a joke against pagans - bring it on!

What's the best thing about Pagan friends? They worship the ground you walk on...

Now that's funny! 

[Sassy]

Well there is a Pagan website that has some jokes and points out that sometimes Pagans find it hard to laugh at themselves.


  

Q:  What is a male honeybee's favorite magickal item?
A:  The caul-drone

Q:  What kind of furniture does a Goddess worshipper prefer?
A:  Wicker

Q:  Why did the Wiccan novitiate give up pork?
A:  She thought the Rede said, "Chew what you will, but ham?--none."


How many Garnerians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Can’t say. It’s oathbound.
How many Alexandrians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Same number as Gardnerians.
How many Dianics does it take to change a lightbulb?
That’s not funny!!!!

[Sassy]

They see those prawns merely as pawns in their game, it beggars belief. 

First prawn to make a loan shark  a lot of cods wallop if you ask me, but then I do like a prawn cock tale with a mixture of everything thrown in. Even a bit of melon coulis. A bit of a fishy tale if you ask me and a smell of fishy taboot.

[Sebastian Toe]

How Many Christians Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Charismatic: Only 1 – Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal: 10 – One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None – Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None – Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15 – One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: 3 – One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: 5 – One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined – Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.

Nazarene: 6 – One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None – Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What's a light bulb?

[Shaker]

I like the Unitarians 

[Sassy]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

[Rhiannon]

I like the Unitarians 

Me too. 

I'd go to church every week for a bit of interpretive dance.

[Sebastian Toe]

Excerpts fom the  Fundies check-list.

I am right and you are wrong. Always.

If you cannot win an argument with logic you must simply outlast your opponent. Once he gives up, declare victory.

ON THE INTERNET, BIBLICAL TRUTH IS BEST COMMUNICATED VIA CAPSLOCK

A man may not wear glasses connected by a chain for if they should slip off his nose and dangle about his neck, someone may be made to think that he is wearing a necklace and that is the appearance of evil.

Gays are responsible for pretty much every bad thing that happens in America. Africans are responsible for the rest.

When swimming, a woman shall wear enough layers of clothing to double her weight when immersed.

If you can’t find a Scripture verse that proves your point, substitute a quote from another fundamentalist instead. It’s practically as good.

Bad things that happen to me and mine are persecution and attacks of Satan. Bad things that happen to you and yours are God’s judgment for your sinful ways.

Halloween is a demonic holiday wherein people dress up in costumes and beg for candy on the 31st of October. Harvest Festival is a God-honoring event wherein people dress up in costumes and beg for candy (by complete coincidence) also on the 31st of October.

Always assume your fellow fundamentalists have the best possible motives for their actions. Always assume everyone else has the worst possible motives for theirs.

If something is unfamiliar or difficult to understand, it’s best to take a stand against it by default. Reasons can be invented later.

Full list here
http://www.stufffundieslike.com/rules/

[Owlswing]

I personally, would not have admitted to knowing that one!

Brave man Gunga din.

Which one?

[Owlswing]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Oh Sassy!

Jokes about pagans yet!

A Jewish teenager goes to his father one evening and tells him that he wants to become a Christian. Poppa, needless to say is horrified and spends several hours tryin to dissuade the boy, all to no avail. So he asks his son to discuss the matter with his mother and several more hours are spent in deep philiosophical discussion still with no result.

So, as a last resort the parents get the boy to agree to see the rabbi and to discuss his wish with him. After many hours the Rabbi tries his last hope - he gets the boy to agree to ask foir God's guidance.

The four kneel and the Rabbi says " Oh God, please help this poor Jewish boy who wishes to leave the Jewish faith and become Christian. Please give us the beneifit of your wisdom and compassion."

There is a huge clap of thunder and the roof of the synagogue is split by a bright shaft of light and a voice like thunder says "You ask me for help! How can I help, It was MY son who started the whole bloody mess!"

[Brownie]

This is hil-ar-ious.  It's helping me to come to terms with the fate of those poor prawns 

Sassiminx, where you listed those joke/questions:  next time you put some up, don't give us the answers!  Let us work at them, like crosswords.

[L.A.]

In the spirit of marine biological jokes:

A whale that was swimming around in the depths of the ocean and he met a humbolt squid.

He said to the squid what is the matter , you look terrible.
The squid said i have down at this depth for so long i feel just terrible and so ill.
I need to up to the surface and get some sunlight.
Well jump on my back and i will take you up there says the whale.
The whale takes the squid up to the surface and he sees a shark.
So the whale says to the shark.....

Hey Fred , Here is that sick squid I owe you.

[Brownie]

I like the Unitarians 

 

That one was marvellous, I honestly didn't know Unitarians were anything like that!  I shall have to look into them.

[Hope]

No - you threw the whatnot AT my opening post! Exactly as I expected you to.

The whatnot was already within your OP, Owl.

You see, that is one of the major diferences between pagans and Christians, is that we can laugh at ourselves even when the joke is on us!

Christians can laugh at themselves just as well.  I tend not to find 'whatnot' worth laughing at.