Are you in here?
http://www.ecauldron.net/humor05.php
1. Bright-Eyed Novice:
You just read this cool book about a religion where there's a Goddess and a God, and they meet outside in nature, instead of some scary old building. They think sex is GOOD not evil, and you want to know where to sign up.
Distinguishing Signs:
Mispronounces god/dess names, has to think a moment about which is deosil and which is widdershins. Has a shiny new athame (
rhymes with "A-frame".)
No! It does NOT - it is pronoiunce ATH-A-MAY.
4. Anal Retentive Ceremonialist:
Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is studying Greek, Latin and Hebrew all at once. Does "workings" instead of "rituals". All twenty volumes of their magical diaries are all in Enochian.
Distinguishing Signs:
Won't go anywhere without a book. Is constantly aware of which direction is east. Dresses according to planetary conditions, or whatever was on sale at Wal-Mart.
Does "workings" instead of "rituals"
- a ritual is done to celebrate one of the eight main festivals - Imbolc - the Spring Equinox (the Americans (who wrote this article) call it Ostara) - Beltaine - the Summer Solstice - Lughnasadh (pronounced Loo-nas-a) - the Vernal (Autumn) Equinox (the Americans call it Mabon) - Samhain (pronounced Sah-wain) - Yule (the Winter Solstice).
- a working is a ritual carried out for the purpose of sending healing energy to someone who is ill, to place protective energy around someone who is suffering from, say, bullying to give them strength to resist the mental strain that bullying imparts.
5. Womyncentric Gynocrat
A man's shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three weeks purifying it. She'll have no wands in her chalice, thank you. No boys allowed in her full-moon club. Can hold forth for hours on the magical properties of menstrual blood.
Distinguishing Signs:
Tiny axes or curved knives, just right for amputating a penis, are a favored symbol and often hang conveniently from her body parts. When a man approaches she rolls her eyes and stops talking.
This kind of witch is properly called Dianic - after the Goddess Diana who, according to the witch-hunters of the 15
th to 17
th centuries, led the witched on their broomsticks on a hunt for those who persecuted them. Most Dianic covens are all-female, are strongly feminist and quite often lesbian. They mostly exist in the U S.
The curved knife is called a boline and is used for cutting herbs. (See the Druid Getafix in the Asterix stories)
9. Pagan Celebrity:
At conventions, stays on the hotel floor that requires a special key for elevator access. Lurks around knots of conversation eavesdropping in order to see if their name is being mentioned. Arrives in helicopter especially for rituals. Starts every sentence with "I". If you ask them how it's going, they hand you a press release.
Distinguishing Signs:
Always has plenty of books to autograph and will personally sell them to you at a slight discount from cover price. Never seen unaccompanied by beefy amazonian bodyguards and doe-eyed hangers-on. Seems vaguely afraid of anyone they don't already know.
This again is an American thing. The only British Pagan celebrities that I can think of are Professor Ronald Hutton of Bristol University and Maxine Sanders, the widow of Alex Sanders the founder of teh Alexandrian tradition of moderrn witchcraft.
10. Scary Devil Worshipper:
Would never been caught dead skyclad. Rarely smiles, except in a snide, knowing way which insinuates you are an ignorant peasant worthy of conquest. Secretly enjoys Rush Limbaugh and read The Bell Curve with smug satisfaction. Fascinated with Nazis. Probably has never hurt a fly, but they want you to think they're capable of vast destruction.
Distinguishing Signs:
Lots of black and red. Men like goatees, women favor heavy black eye liner. At least one inverted pentagram somewhere on their person. If you see several of them getting tanked in a bar, it would be wise to stay far away.
This is (most definitely) NOT a witch, probably not a pagan either.
21. Norse Code:
Heroic and vikingly, these pagans often get into trouble with festival organizers and park rangers due to their fondness for running around with a huge battle-ax in one hand and a full mead horn in the other. They throw the best parties, but if you're a wimp, you're expressly not invited.
This is actually factually correct - even in the UK
Distinguishing Signs:
Look for the large, foreboding, biker-like persons wearing runes, with many pounds of amber dangling from their necks.
This however is total bollocks!
As to the rest - you won't find this much rubbish on a council landfill site.
As said before this is an American site and cannot be compared to the way British either witches or pagans are.
