Author Topic: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.  (Read 158516 times)

jeremyp

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #200 on: December 13, 2016, 12:11:59 PM »
Last's night's ISIHAC had some good jokes in it

A woman goes to the doctor and says "Doctor I am continuously breaking wind. They are always silent and they don't smell but it is quite uncomfortable".

The doctor says, Ok take these pills, one a day for a week and then come back to see me.

A week later the woman comes back and the doctor says, "OK is that any better?"

"Well not really", says the woman. "In fact it's worse because my farts have started to smell. They're really stinky."

"Right", says the doctor, that's sorted out your sense of smell. Now let's tackle your hearing".
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jeremyp

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #201 on: December 13, 2016, 12:19:24 PM »
An old woman's husband tragically dies. The day before the funeral, she goes to the undertaker to see her husband for the last time. "Oh no", she says as she looks into the coffin. "You've dressed him in a blue suit and he hated that blue suit and we've given all his other suits to charity".

"Don't worry" says the undertaker. "We'll think of something".

At the funeral the next day, the undertaker says to the old lady "we sorted it out for you. As luck would have it, we had another lady in about her husband's funeral and she wanted him buried in a blue suit instead of the grey one he had. So all we had to do was swap the heads."
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SqueakyVoice

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #202 on: December 13, 2016, 12:21:44 PM »
I liked,

"An elderly man was lying in a hospital bed about to take his last breath when a black cloaked figure, with a scythe appeared at the end of his bed.

The man looked up and said, "Ooh, hello. What are you doing here?"

The figure looked at him and solemnly said, "I Am Death."

and the man replied , "Oh. I SAID, HELLO. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"
« Last Edit: December 13, 2016, 12:24:07 PM by SqueakyVoice »
"Let us think the unthinkable, let us do the undoable, let us prepare to grapple with the ineffable itself, and see if we may not eff it after all" - D Adams

Walter

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #203 on: December 13, 2016, 12:36:58 PM »
luvvit, Squeaks    :D

SusanDoris

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #204 on: December 13, 2016, 05:20:15 PM »
Yes, I too heard those last two jokes - they made me laugh.
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Brownie

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Nearly Sane

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Harrowby Hall

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #207 on: December 22, 2016, 07:16:08 AM »
Polish man goes to have his eyes tested.

"OK" said the optometrist, "can you read the bottom line?"

"Can I read it?" came the reply, "He's my brother-in-law."
Does Magna Carta mean nothing to you? Did she die in vain?

Keith Maitland

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #208 on: January 28, 2017, 11:39:49 AM »
Dick Cheney criticizing Donald Trump over the Muslim ban is like Elton John telling Freddie Mercury his outfit is "a little over the top".


floo

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #209 on: January 28, 2017, 12:05:08 PM »
Dick Cheney criticizing Donald Trump over the Muslim ban is like Elton John telling Freddie Mercury his outfit is "a little over the top".

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhh?

Keith Maitland

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #210 on: March 23, 2017, 01:50:17 AM »
Why should you avoid people dressed as celery?

They are probably stalking you.

ekim

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #211 on: May 02, 2017, 03:59:53 PM »
For those who can remember back to 1958 ..... The Bricklayer's Lament ..... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZUJLO6lMhI

Gonnagle

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #212 on: May 04, 2017, 05:05:03 PM »
Dear ekim,

Thankyou, I never knew the history of this fabulous song, oh and thank you Mr Gerard Hoffnung!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZwGk5xmlq0

Gonnagle.



http://www.barnardos.org.uk/shop/shop-search.htm

http://www.twam.uk/donate-tools

Go on make a difference, have a rummage in your attic or garage.

bluehillside Retd.

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #213 on: May 04, 2017, 05:36:50 PM »
Friend of mine was run over recently by a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.
"Don't make me come down there."

God

ippy

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #214 on: May 04, 2017, 07:10:35 PM »
I heard Ken Dodd tell this one; the chap that invented cats eyes came up with the idea when he was out driving one night and saw a cat walking towards him, if the cat had been walking away from him he probably would have invented the pencil sharpener.

ippy

Nearly Sane

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #215 on: May 04, 2017, 07:41:20 PM »
Was reminded today of my favourite Billy Connolly line which isn't a joke so much as a piece of deep wisdom:

Never trust a man who when left alone with a tea cosy doesn't try it on.

ippy

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #216 on: August 04, 2017, 01:43:37 PM »
It's so sad to see the demise of the Rhinos, the Tapir has nearly suffered a similar fate but for the gas boiler industry, since they've switched over to using electric ignition in their boilers, the population of Tapirs has been on the increase. 

ippy

Keith Maitland

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #217 on: August 26, 2017, 02:50:57 AM »
Epistemology in:


Germany: the thing-in-itself is unknowable.


France: knowledge is socially constructed.


America: the customer is always right.


;D


Aruntraveller

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #218 on: August 31, 2017, 03:21:04 PM »
Heard this on a programme on R4 from the Edinburgh fringe:

Muslims and Jews. They've got more in common that they like to admit.

For example, they both don't eat pork.

That got me to thinking......maybe there's something in pork that calms people down.
Before we work on Artificial Intelligence shouldn't we address the problem of natural stupidity.

Robbie

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #219 on: August 31, 2017, 03:22:39 PM »
They also revere Abraham.
Wish they would unite with common ground!
(Some do, liberal ones from both)
True Wit is Nature to Advantage drest,
          What oft was Thought, but ne’er so well Exprest


jeremyp

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #221 on: October 18, 2017, 01:05:59 AM »
A  duck walks into a bar, says "a pint of bitter please".

The barman says "crikey, a talking duck".

The duck say, "yeah, Ok, just give me my drink."

The duck retires to a table and sits with his beer reading the paper. The barman says "crikey, you can read as well."

"What of it", says the duck.

"Well it's a bit unusual", says the bar man. "What are you doing here anyway?"

"I work at the building site across the road. I'm a plasterer.

"Crikey", says the barman.

The next night, the circus is in town. After the show, the ringmaster goes to the pub for a drink. The barman says to him, "I think I've found an amazing new act for you. It's a duck that can talk and read". The ring master expresses enthusiasm and asks the barman to send the duck round when he's in the pub next.

The night after, the duck comes back to the pub. The barman says "I've got an amazing new job for you. You can join the circus!"

The duck sits thoughtfully for a minute, then he says "the circus, that's a show in a tent isn't it?"

"Yes"

"Where the people live in caravans"

"yes"

"And the animals live in cages"

"Yes"

"and the tent is enormous but with canvas walls and a canvas roof"

"Yes"

"So why the fuck would they need a plasterer?"
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trippymonkey

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #222 on: October 18, 2017, 08:52:50 AM »

I just donated £100 to a blind children's charity, not that the kids will ever see any of it.

floo

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #223 on: October 18, 2017, 09:03:54 AM »
I just donated £100 to a blind children's charity, not that the kids will ever see any of it.

NOT FUNNY! :o >:(

trippymonkey

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #224 on: October 18, 2017, 09:34:10 AM »
Yes I agree to some extent as I DID ask the place I got it from, the same thing if anyone was offended. Same here too.