More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.

[Shaker]

Man applies for a job in a factory and has an interview with the foreman.

Foreman says: "Can you drive a fork lift truck?"

Man says: "Yeah, no problem."

Foreman says: "And you're OK with making tea at tea break?"

Man's eyes go like saucers and he says: "How big is the bleeding teapot?"

[Walt Zingmatilder]

This is from Paul Merton:

"My aunt died at precisely 10.47am and the old grandfather clock stopped at precisely the same time also. It fell on her."

Another Merton classic.

During the second world war they used to say that if your number was up the bomb would have your name on it...................
Which was a bit of a worry for Mr and Mrs Doodlebug.

[Shaker]

I tell them as I heard them. I make no claims for the political correctness of any of these.

Chinese chap goes for a job on a building site. He's having an interview with the site foreman who's impressed with how keen the Chinese bloke is even though his English isn't all that.

"OK," says the foreman, "you'll do. We're going to put you in charge of supplies - you start eight o'clock Monday morning. All right?"

"Velly good sir, in charge of supplies, Monday morning, yes sir."*

First thing Monday morning there's no sign of the Chinese chap.

Same thing Tuesday.

Wednesday is a no show.

Thursday - not a carrot.

Same thing on Friday. By lunchtime all the builders are sitting outside enjoying the sunshine, eating sandwiches and drinking tea from their Thermos flasks, when the Chinese guy leaps out from behind a stack of bricks and screams "SUPPLIES!"

* © Benny Hill, 1977.

[Gonnagle]

Dear World,

Sorry!! but Iceland 1 Portugal 1

Well done Iceland, no not a joke, just a piece of magic

Gonnagle.

[Rhiannon]

Portugal were pretty funny all things considered.

[Owlswing]

A little Chinese man had to sell his restaurant as it was getting to much for him and the new owner, a Greek, agreedto keep him on as Head Chef. As time went on the Greek was getting more and more tetchy with the chef and fiannly on one Friday afternoon he blew up.

"Listen to me, Chef, I am going totally nuts with you and your ruddy Flied Lice! It is fRied Rice! Get me? You have got until Monday morning to get it right or get out!

The little Chinese spent the entire weekend practicing and, little by little, he got it right last thing on Sunday night.

Monday morning he marched triumphantly up to the Greek and announced in a loud clear voice for everyone to hear "FRIED RICE - you Gleek plick!"

[Nearly Sane]

This is my stepladder.

I never knew my real ladder.

Didn't he used to run FIFA?

[Keith Maitland]

PRINCE Harry apologised profusely to guests at the rain-sodden Patron’s Lunch on Sunday for the lack of umbrellas, banned for ‘security’ reasons. He and other royal males were allowed to carry their personal brollies. Prince Charles’s tailors, Turnbull and Asser, sell an approved one with a chestnut handle for £150.

[Nearly Sane]

Ted talks deconstruction

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZBKX-6Gz6A

[L.A.]

There are 10 types of people - those who understand binary and those who don't.

[SqueakyVoice]

There are 10 types of people - those who understand binary and those who don't.

Followed by,  there are 10 types of people - those who understand tertiary,  those who don't and those who thought it was binary.

(And since we're doing maths jokes...)

Did you hear about the mathematician with constipation?

He worked it out with a pencil.

[Aruntraveller]

Archaeologists digging in a pyramid in Egypt have found a Mummy covered in chocolates and hazlenuts, and believe it to be a Pharoah Rocher.

[Aruntraveller]

I have a phobia of German sausage.

Yes, I fear the wurst.

[Aruntraveller]

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

[ippy]

This is true it happened to me, my working partner and I both keep taking each other literally no matter how pointless or confusing it makes the conversation, after 30 years of it, it takes some time to wear off.

Bearing the above in mind; I went into our local haberdashers shop to see if they had a curved needle so that I could make a repair to a part of our furniture, I was really surprised when the shop assistant turned around picked a small packet from a drawer and more or less offered me a half a dozen if I wanted them; surprised they had any of these specialist needles I expressed how surprised, how pleased I was too, the woman looked at me and said oh well we've got everything in here.

Those last words of hers were, "oh we've got everything here", so with my background of suffering years of literalism I couldn't help it I had to address this challenge, so I asked her for a 1987 Ford Escort gearbox, it just came out, it wouldn't have been quite so bad had I been promptly put in my place with some sort of derisional humour, but no she was really furious and as near as dammit chucked us out of her shop, my wife and I had to make a hasty exit and run out like a couple of naughty youngsters knocking down ginger, it still make me laugh, I'm smiling as I'm sitting here relating this.

ippy 

[Harrowby Hall]

A memory from Round The Horne (of blessed memory)

The Knights of the Round Table were in conference. There was news of a rebellion in the north and King Arthur was concerned that it should be suppressed and asked for a volunteer to go and sort out the problem.

He first asked Sir Lancelot, who declined.

He then asked Sir Galahad, who declined.

He then asked Sir Percival, who declined.

He then asked Sir Gawain, who declined.

He then asked Sir Kular, who accepted the commission.


And so ..... north Sir Kular rode.

[Owlswing]

The very worst and sickest joke in the world today . . . . Donald Trump!

[Brownie]

What did Adam Ant say when asked how he managed to eat a packet of fruit gums?

Don't chew ever.

[Nearly Sane]

Just ordered Bonnie Tyler's 'Great Goalkeeping Errors'

It's just totally clips of Joe Hart.

[Brownie]

ROFL!

(Are we slowly emerging from our recent bereavement?)

[Gordon]

ROFL!

(Are we slowly emerging from our recent bereavement?)

Bereavement?

[Brownie]

The Ref....

[jeremyp]

Dear World,

Sorry!! but Iceland 1 Portugal 1

Well done Iceland, no not a joke, just a piece of magic

Gonnagle.

Portugal were pretty funny all things considered.

I've only just got this far in the thread. Portugal might have been funny but at least they got the draw.

[jeremyp]

Those last words of hers were, "oh we've got everything here", so with my background of suffering years of literalism I couldn't help it I had to address this challenge, so I asked her for a 1987 Ford Escort gearbox, it just came out, it wouldn't have been quite so bad had I been promptly put in my place with some sort of derisional humour, but no she was really furious and as near as dammit chucked us out of her shop, my wife and I had to make a hasty exit and run out like a couple of naughty youngsters knocking down ginger, it still make me laugh, I'm smiling as I'm sitting here relating this.

ippy

She's probably just promised the last one to another customer.

[jeremyp]

Just ordered Bonnie Tyler's 'Great Goalkeeping Errors'

It's just totally clips of Joe Hart.

I'm stealing that one.