Author Topic: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.  (Read 159011 times)

Aruntraveller

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11073
Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #700 on: July 15, 2020, 12:30:44 PM »
A woman has bought a mask for her pet duck to protect it from Coronavirus.

She said: "It's nothing flashy, but it fits the bill"
Before we work on Artificial Intelligence shouldn't we address the problem of natural stupidity.

Nearly Sane

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 64323
Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #701 on: July 23, 2020, 01:59:18 PM »

WAITER: You're married with a kid when you could be having fun with me. So, what'll it be, sir?


CUSTOMER: Can I hear the specials again?

Walt Zingmatilder

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 33187
Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #702 on: July 23, 2020, 04:58:36 PM »
Protest slogan from the Orkneys on the occasion of the visit of Alexander Boris de wankpuffin Johnson.

 We've already got one Twatt In the Orkneys.

Owlswing

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6945
Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #703 on: July 23, 2020, 08:55:49 PM »

An Anglican Vicar, a Catholic Priest and a Rabbi are sitting in a compartment (this was a while ago) on a train heading from London to Glasgow for a Conference Ecumenism and, after an uncomfortable silence, the C of E vicar asks the other two how they go about dividing up the weekly collection.

"For myself", he says, "I put each denomination of coins and notes into its own pile, then I go through each pile and divide it into two piles 'one for God, one for myself' any odd ones go onto my pile."

The Catholic priest, looking rather pompous announces that he uses a similar system, but, he says, "I divide the piles 'one for God, two for me' odd ones go to me also!"

The Rabbi has listened to these answers will a little smile on his face. "In my Synagogue, we lay a blanket on the floor, place the collection onto it, then three of my assistants and I each take a corner of the blanket and on a count of 'one-two-three', we throw the coins and notes into the air. Whatever God catches God keeps!"

What does this story say about 'Religion and Ethics'?

   

The Holy Bible, probably the most diabolical work of fiction ever to be visited upon mankind.

An it harm none, do what you will; an it harm some, do what you must!

Aruntraveller

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11073
Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #704 on: July 30, 2020, 04:27:53 PM »
Like many people I've been getting my clothes online.

My neighbours now take their clothes in at night.
Before we work on Artificial Intelligence shouldn't we address the problem of natural stupidity.

ippy

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12679
Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #705 on: July 30, 2020, 09:23:56 PM »
My electric garden shears are cutting hedge technology.

Nearly Sane

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 64323
Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #706 on: August 08, 2020, 05:47:53 PM »

'I envy Prince Andrew on nights like this, laying in bed dry as a bone.'

bluehillside Retd.

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 19469
Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #707 on: August 08, 2020, 06:03:26 PM »
I think I may have to leave Mrs B. Turns out she was smearing glue on my rifles. She denies it of course, but me…


…I’m sticking to my guns.

I’ll get me coat.   
"Don't make me come down there."

God

Walt Zingmatilder

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 33187
Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #708 on: August 10, 2020, 12:00:37 PM »
I think I may have to leave Mrs B. Turns out she was smearing glue on my rifles. She denies it of course, but me…


…I’m sticking to my guns.

I’ll get me coat.   
In view of a bogus web site set up by malicious theists imitating the Richard Dawkins foundation. A genuine website RDF, the Real Dick foundation.....has been set up.

SteveH

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 10398
  • God? She's black.
Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #709 on: August 11, 2020, 09:12:02 AM »
It's a little known fact that the writer of "Winnie the Pooh", A.A.Milne, had a smaller brother called A.A.A Milne.
And an older brother who was a model railway enthusiast, called OO Milne.
I have a pet termite. His name is Clint. Clint eats wood.

SteveH

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 10398
  • God? She's black.
Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #710 on: August 11, 2020, 09:15:14 AM »
A farmer tells his farmhand to go and count the sheep in a field. The farmhand eventually comes back and says "48". Right", says the farmer, "now round them up." The farmhand says "ok, 50."
I have a pet termite. His name is Clint. Clint eats wood.

SteveH

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 10398
  • God? She's black.
Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #711 on: August 11, 2020, 09:19:18 AM »
Do elderly aristocrats use nobility scooters?
I have a pet termite. His name is Clint. Clint eats wood.

SteveH

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 10398
  • God? She's black.
Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #712 on: August 11, 2020, 09:21:43 AM »
I wanted to use "Beefstew" as my password on a website, but it wasn't stroganoff. It had to be at least eight characters, so in the end I went for "Snowwhiteandthesevendwarves".
I have a pet termite. His name is Clint. Clint eats wood.

Walt Zingmatilder

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 33187
Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #713 on: August 11, 2020, 10:01:37 AM »
And an older brother who was a model railway enthusiast, called OO Milne.
I found that joke very N Gauge-ing.
« Last Edit: August 11, 2020, 10:04:08 AM by The Suppository of Norman Wisdom »

jeremyp

  • Admin Support
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 32495
  • Blurb
    • Sincere Flattery: A blog about computing
Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #714 on: August 11, 2020, 11:06:20 AM »
And an older brother who was a model railway enthusiast, called OO Milne.

OO gauge is nothing to do with AA batteries. I think you're on the wrong track.
This post and all of JeremyP's posts words certified 100% divinely inspired* -- signed God.
*Platinum infallibility package, terms and conditions may apply

ippy

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12679
Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #715 on: August 11, 2020, 03:14:12 PM »
Those shows of all the old old tractors, the steam driven ones and the various old names you don't see any more, I've lost all interest in them, they're no fun any more, I suppose you could say I've now become an extractor fan, mind the old toupee if you get too close.
 

jeremyp

  • Admin Support
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 32495
  • Blurb
    • Sincere Flattery: A blog about computing
Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #716 on: August 11, 2020, 08:14:05 PM »
Those shows of all the old old tractors, the steam driven ones and the various old names you don't see any more, I've lost all interest in them, they're no fun any more, I suppose you could say I've now become an extractor fan, mind the old toupee if you get too close.
 
I understand. I went to a demonstration of old steam rollers the other day. It left me feeling a bit flat.
This post and all of JeremyP's posts words certified 100% divinely inspired* -- signed God.
*Platinum infallibility package, terms and conditions may apply

jeremyp

  • Admin Support
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 32495
  • Blurb
    • Sincere Flattery: A blog about computing
Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #717 on: August 11, 2020, 08:18:11 PM »
I came last in a competition to mow the lawn the other day. The judges said I couldn't cut it.
This post and all of JeremyP's posts words certified 100% divinely inspired* -- signed God.
*Platinum infallibility package, terms and conditions may apply

jeremyp

  • Admin Support
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 32495
  • Blurb
    • Sincere Flattery: A blog about computing
Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #718 on: August 11, 2020, 08:20:31 PM »
I was disqualified from the British Grand Prix the other day because I avoided Copse Corner. The stewards said I couldn't cut it.
This post and all of JeremyP's posts words certified 100% divinely inspired* -- signed God.
*Platinum infallibility package, terms and conditions may apply

jeremyp

  • Admin Support
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 32495
  • Blurb
    • Sincere Flattery: A blog about computing
Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #719 on: August 11, 2020, 08:25:35 PM »
I say, I say, I say, my dog's got no nose.

How does he smell?

He can't: he hasn't got a nose.
This post and all of JeremyP's posts words certified 100% divinely inspired* -- signed God.
*Platinum infallibility package, terms and conditions may apply

bluehillside Retd.

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 19469
Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #720 on: August 13, 2020, 09:51:28 AM »
I still remember the first girl I knew in the biblical sense…and when I say that, I mean I didn’t believe a word she said...
"Don't make me come down there."

God

ekim

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5811
Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #721 on: August 13, 2020, 09:55:46 AM »
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean £200?!"

Roses

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7989
Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #722 on: August 13, 2020, 11:54:33 AM »
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean £200?!"

 ;D
"At the going down of the sun and in the morning we will remember them."

Walter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4463
Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #723 on: August 13, 2020, 10:32:05 PM »
So Im at the railway station ;
me :ticket to Paris please
him: Eurostar?
me: well I've been on telly but I'm no Jane McDonald

 8)

Walter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4463
Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #724 on: August 13, 2020, 10:40:47 PM »
I notice the BBC has a new mission statement ;

.....training white people to hate themselves ....


oooh edgy!! :o