Author Topic: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.  (Read 159085 times)

Spud

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #800 on: October 08, 2020, 01:49:14 PM »
Aye, and we were lucky if we got to suck on a wet sponge afterwards.

Spud

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #801 on: October 09, 2020, 12:04:29 PM »
Where did Frank Bruno and his ex go to discuss their daughter's career?

Letherbox Lane

Aruntraveller

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #802 on: October 09, 2020, 03:15:04 PM »
Pretty wild how we used to blow on our birthday cake and then let people eat it.

Those were the days.
Before we work on Artificial Intelligence shouldn't we address the problem of natural stupidity.

ekim

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #803 on: October 09, 2020, 04:02:04 PM »
A Stanford research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 3,000 responses about three days after the ad came out.

All from the same person.

Nearly Sane

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #804 on: October 10, 2020, 06:35:00 PM »
Almost stole a board game once. It was a risk I was willing to take

Aruntraveller

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #805 on: October 10, 2020, 06:44:23 PM »
Almost stole a board game once. It was a risk I was willing to take

Risk! We used to play that when we got back from the pub pissed. For some reason in our circle of friends it was the one game that was guaranteed to trigger an argument. Or it could have been the drink.
Before we work on Artificial Intelligence shouldn't we address the problem of natural stupidity.

ekim

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #806 on: October 11, 2020, 09:57:03 AM »
Q: Why did Trump get so excited when he finished a jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? 

A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years."

Spud

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #807 on: October 12, 2020, 03:00:33 AM »
What time did the Chinese man go to the dentist?

Tooth hurty

Nearly Sane

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #808 on: October 12, 2020, 07:42:07 PM »
Bumped into Darcey Bussell at the weekend. Would *not* stop going on about end to end encryption. Weird.

Nearly Sane

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #809 on: October 13, 2020, 08:43:37 PM »


'After Boris Johnson says ‘we must act now’, those in the theatre industry say they would if they fucking could.'

SteveH

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #810 on: October 17, 2020, 08:27:42 AM »
Pinched from the Book of Faces:

Guy walks into a pet shop in Amsterdam and says to the owner he'd like to buy a cat.
"Of course sir, we have lots of cats, what breed are you after? We have pedigree cats and mongrels".
"Pedigree cats? I didn't know there were any pedigree cats in Holland"
"Oh yes, we have for instance the Groningen Ginger, the Friesian Short Hair, the Delft Blue (!) and many more.
These are quite rare now though, because of cross-breeding and so on, and so pure breeds of this type are very much in demand and quite expensive".
"Hmmm", said the man, "Well I can't afford a real pure breed but I am keen on maintaining our national heritage as much as I can.
Tell me", gesturing back towards the door ........
"How Dutch is that moggy in the window?
I have a pet termite. His name is Clint. Clint eats wood.

ekim

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #811 on: October 17, 2020, 09:15:21 AM »
Tommy Cooper .... Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.  They charged one and let the other off.

Spud

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #812 on: October 18, 2020, 06:17:24 PM »
I've finally figured out what I want to be when I get older.
Younger.

Aruntraveller

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #813 on: October 18, 2020, 11:29:20 PM »
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, 'Who are you?
To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'
After a short pause, the rabbit said ...
'Mixin-me-toasties'
Before we work on Artificial Intelligence shouldn't we address the problem of natural stupidity.

SusanDoris

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #814 on: October 19, 2020, 01:54:00 PM »
[/sup]
After a short pause, the rabbit said ...
'Mixin-me-toasties'
Thank you for the LOL! Having to listen to it, I didn't get to the end too quickly which made it funnier!
The Most Honourable Sister of Titular Indecision.

Nearly Sane

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #815 on: October 20, 2020, 10:14:58 PM »
Doctor: Your body has ran out of magnesium.

Me: 0mg

bluehillside Retd.

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #816 on: October 21, 2020, 01:00:23 PM »
Where does mercury come from?

Hg wells.
"Don't make me come down there."

God

Sebastian Toe

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #817 on: October 21, 2020, 04:41:40 PM »
When I was a child, I was forced to walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog!
"The word God is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive legends.'
Albert Einstein

Spud

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #818 on: October 21, 2020, 05:24:57 PM »
When I was a child, I was forced to walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog!

If you can afford some bird food, wild birds are a great substitute for a dog. They don't incur vet bills, and no planks are needed.

Sebastian Toe

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #819 on: October 21, 2020, 06:13:36 PM »
A fire broke out in the yodeling school.

The teacher told the pupils to exit in an odelay manner.
"The word God is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive legends.'
Albert Einstein

Sebastian Toe

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #820 on: October 21, 2020, 06:14:40 PM »
If you can afford some bird food, wild birds are a great substitute for a dog. They don't incur vet bills, and no planks are needed.
I tried that, my cats loved it...the birds, not so much!
"The word God is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive legends.'
Albert Einstein

Spud

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #821 on: October 22, 2020, 08:18:04 AM »
I tried that, my cats loved it...the birds, not so much!
Maybe don't feed the birds, then. You can still water the plants, though. Just don't keep goats.

Nearly Sane

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #822 on: October 22, 2020, 11:09:47 AM »
Can't believe it - sad people letting off fireworks and it's only the middle of October. It frightened the cat so much it ran up the Christmas tree.

Sebastian Toe

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #823 on: October 22, 2020, 03:44:42 PM »
A policeman called at my house last night and said,
"I'm sorry to have to tell you that it looks like your wife has been struck by a bus"
I said,
"I'm not bothered,  because she's got a great personality"
"The word God is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive legends.'
Albert Einstein

ekim

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #824 on: October 23, 2020, 09:34:00 AM »
Al Capp, creator of the comic strip Li'l Abner, was one day invited to a university to give a lecture to the students.  Before he could begin speaking to the large group assembled in the auditorium, a very unkempt student at the back shouted a vulgar word at him.
The word rang in everybody's ears.  There was a shocked silence, but Capp, keeping his composure, said " Now that you have given us your name, what's your question?"