More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.

[Sebastian Toe]

....been thinking about best way to avoid touching my face.

Figured that if I keep a beer in one hand a whiskey in the other, I'm good!

[SusanDoris]

My sobn has just been on the phone and told me a joke so I'll see if I can tell it correctly.

Trump decides to visit Israel. While there he dies. The undertaker tells the security men that it will be £50,000 to get him back to USA or £100 to bury him here. The security men have a conflab about this and decide to get him back to USA. But why, asks the undertaker. Well, they say, some time ago a bloke died here and rose again three days later. We cimply can't have that happen. !

[Nearly Sane]

What if we get to New Year’s Day and 2020 refuses to concede?

[jeremyp]

Except for his passengers!

Don’t worry, it was fiction. Grand dad didn’t really die by falling asleep at the wheel of his car, at least not if the banging and screaming coming from his coffin during the cremation are anything to go by.

[Aruntraveller]

If Benny and Bjorn had been called Steve and Dave then the group that sang Waterloo would have been called ASDA.

[Robbie]

LOL! I'm browsing R&E whilst eating a lovely lunch my husband prepared for me and nearly spluttered it all over my laptop. I'll remember that one, ta.

[bluehillside Retd.]

Sweden announces lockdown – no gatherings of more than eight people. IKEA says it will not longer be possible to assemble its Billy bookcase...

[Robbie]

That reminds me of a joke about MFI but would only be relevant if a particular type of scandal was taking place in politics (& MFI no longer exists but daresay could substitute IKEA).
V good BHS. I've finished me lunch & can chortle without choking now!

[Aruntraveller]

I'm playing scrabble with Midge Ure, and I've got 4 letters left. They mean nothing to me.

OVNR

[jeremyp]

If Benny and Bjorn had been called Steve and Dave then the group that sang Waterloo would have been called ASDA.

Good thing it wasn't Agnetha, Rick, Steve and Elizabeth then

[Gordon]

Good thing it wasn't Agnetha, Rick, Steve and Elizabeth then

I'll pass on this advice to Celia, Ursula, Norman and Trevor.

[jeremyp]

I'll pass on this advice to Celia, Ursula, Norman and Trevor.

CNTU? I don’t get it.

(The women’s names have to go on the outside).

[Gordon]

CNTU? I don’t get it.

(The women’s names have to go on the outside).

Silly me: of course I meant Celia, Uriah, Norman and Theresa.

(Ursula and Trevor suddenly decided to leave the band citing the dreaded 'musical differences' - hence the replacements.

[SusanDoris]

I've had an e-mail this morning with a forwarded joke about a talking dog and I wonder if it has already been posted. It is quite long, but I'll copy and post it if new.

[ippy]

A friend of mine lost his hair a few years ago but still carries around an old comb with him.

He just can’t part with it.

[Sebastian Toe]

This lockdown is driving some people nuts.
Yesterday I saw my neighbour having a full on conversation with his cat in their garden!

I came back into the house and told my dog. We both laughed at the absurdity of it all.

[Nearly Sane]

What is all this talk about Black Friday. All Fridays Matter!

[SusanDoris]

This is not a joke joke, but my (older) son was just reading me some more of Tom Peake's book and he stopped to ask if I had heard about how enormous sums of money were spent on trying to make a biro that would work in space. The Russians solved the problem - by using pencils!

[Outrider]

This is not a joke joke, but my (older) son was just reading me some more of Tom Peake's book and he stopped to ask if I had heard about how enormous sums of money were spent on trying to make a biro that would work in space. The Russians solved the problem - by using pencils!

That's an old and long-debunked take on what actually happened. Both the US and USSR were using pencils, but the graphite dust that they produce caused problems with the electrical systems and the oxygen recycling equipment that they had at the time (possibly still would).

Paul C Fisher and company spent a bucket of their own money (I've seen $1 million dollars quoted, I don't have a reliable source for that or an idea if it's considering inflation or actual from the time) without any input from NASA or the US Government to research and develop a pen that would work in zero-gravity (and, for some reason, to some quite extreme temperature ranges), and then proceeded to supply both the US and USSR for some time - some of the current space-faring companies are still buying them.

O.

[SusanDoris]

That's an old and long-debunked take on what actually happened. Both the US and USSR were using pencils, but the graphite dust that they produce caused problems with the electrical systems and the oxygen recycling equipment that they had at the time (possibly still would).

Paul C Fisher and company spent a bucket of their own money (I've seen $1 million dollars quoted, I don't have a reliable source for that or an idea if it's considering inflation or actual from the time) without any input from NASA or the US Government to research and develop a pen that would work in zero-gravity (and, for some reason, to some quite extreme temperature ranges), and then proceeded to supply both the US and USSR for some time - some of the current space-faring companies are still buying them.

O.

Many thanks - very interesting. Actually now I come to think of it a couple of weeks ago he was reading the bit where he mentions some pen they used. It is an extremely good book and I very much like the way he never talks down to his readers. Have you read it?

[Nearly Sane]

Why is the Trump White House suddenly a very polite place to work? Everyone’s going around saying “pardon me.”

[Roses]

Why is the Trump White House suddenly a very polite place to work? Everyone’s going around saying “pardon me.”

 

[Walt Zingmatilder]

I went to the doctor and said I had a pain in the groin, he had a look and told me I had a steering wheel down there. I said yeah It's been driving me nuts.

[Aruntraveller]

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.
Because her jacket is folded neatly beside her he can’t see any logos so he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto: 'To Fly. To Serve'. The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: 'Winning the hearts of the world'. Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries a third time, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto: 'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says: 'What the fuck do you want?'
'Ah ha!' he says, "Ryanair"

[Nearly Sane]

As I dry my hirsuteness after a long relaxing bath, I see that my body resembles something out of a porn novel.

Pity the novel is 50 Shades of Grey