Author Topic: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny. (Read 159147 times)

bluehillside Retd. · « **Reply #900 on:** January 06, 2021, 09:27:38 PM »

I must admit that throughout 2020 I was depressed and anxious, but I'm pleased to say that now I've completely turned that shit around...

...now I'm anxious and depressed

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #901 on:** January 09, 2021, 11:07:31 AM »

My neighbour just banged on the wall at 4.20 in the morning. Can you believe that? Fortunately I was up playing music.

He banged and shouted "can we have a little respect please"

I said " Sure. I'm not a big Erasure fan but if it makes you happy "

SteveH · « **Reply #902 on:** January 10, 2021, 08:53:42 AM »

From a comment in one of my Facebook groups:

I wanted to know where I could find books on paranoia, so I asked the librarian, who then leaned forward and said to me in a whisper, "They're behind you!"
No idea why they weren't in the Psychology section but next to the books on pantomime...

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #903 on:** January 11, 2021, 10:03:37 AM »

Leeds United have been fined £200 for making a pointless journey to Crawley

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #904 on:** January 12, 2021, 03:26:42 PM »

And the lad doesn't even cover Irish wakes

https://youtu.be/M6VXbBJFvRE

Enki · « **Reply #905 on:** January 13, 2021, 11:03:50 AM »

First trip booked for 2021

Hopefully off to Iceland in February

If that goes well, probably looking at Asda in March and Tesco in April.

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #906 on:** January 13, 2021, 12:04:30 PM »

In the toy shop:

Where are the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures?

Aisle B, back.

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #907 on:** January 14, 2021, 07:28:15 PM »

Is the new Bond movie being delayed until it seems plausible the British government could even achieve something more difficult than the making of a child’s lunch?

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #908 on:** January 15, 2021, 04:31:47 PM »

Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a petri dish.

The results speak for themselves.

ekim · « **Reply #909 on:** January 15, 2021, 04:42:50 PM »

One day the zookeeper noticed that the Orangutan was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?

"Well," said the Orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #910 on:** January 15, 2021, 08:46:55 PM »

Son: 'Daddy, what's an alcoholic?'

Dad: 'Well, son, you see those 2 birds over there? An alcoholic would see 4.'

Son: 'There's only 1 bird'

ekim · « **Reply #911 on:** January 16, 2021, 09:40:02 AM »

The Difference Between Dogs and Cats

A dog thinks: These people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... They must be gods!

A cat thinks: These people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... I must be a god!

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #912 on:** January 26, 2021, 07:55:34 AM »

I told my therapist that I can't get the Grease soundtrack put of my head.

He said 'Tell me more"

ekim · « **Reply #913 on:** January 26, 2021, 09:50:22 AM »

Patient: Doctor, I get the feeling that people don’t give a hoot about anything I say.

Psychiatrist: So?

bluehillside Retd. · « **Reply #914 on:** January 26, 2021, 10:37:11 AM »

When I opened the fridge this morning it started playing Bee Gees music...

...turned out it was just the chives talking.

ekim · « **Reply #915 on:** January 26, 2021, 12:21:54 PM »

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #916 on:** January 26, 2021, 04:01:26 PM »

A homeless guy asked me for money today. I looked in my pocket and all I had was a £20 note "Do I really want this money going towards drugs"?, I thought to myself. "Nah"! So I gave him the £20

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #917 on:** February 01, 2021, 04:47:53 PM »

I don't know if this is a scam or not.

I just got a telephone call saying I'd won £250 cash or two free tickets to an Elvis tribute act.

It said Press '1' for the money, or '2' for the show.

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #918 on:** February 01, 2021, 04:51:18 PM »

2014 Didn't jog

2015 Didn't jog

2016 Didn't jog

2017 Didn't jog

2018 Didn't jog

2019 Didn't jog

2020 Didn't jog

2021 Still not jogging

This is a running joke

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #919 on:** February 02, 2021, 01:17:28 PM »

A man says to a lawyer, how much do you charge to answer 3 questions. £500 the lawyer says. That’s expensive isn’t it? Yes. Now, What’s your third question.

bluehillside Retd. · « **Reply #920 on:** February 09, 2021, 11:25:25 AM »

Two married women friends went for a big night out, and on the way home were caught short. They dived into a nearby graveyard to relieve themselves but, without any loo roll to hand, the first used her drawers instead while the other grabbed a nearby wreath for the same purpose.

The next day their two husbands were speaking, and the first said, “I’m never letting my wife out with your wife again. She came home with no knickers on”.

“That’s nothing” said the other – “my wife came home with a card stuck up her chuff saying “From all at the fire station – we will never forget you”…”

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #921 on:** February 10, 2021, 08:59:28 AM »

I'm so old I can remember when you could put your birthday cards on top of the television

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #922 on:** February 12, 2021, 05:28:49 PM »

Jokes about white sugar are rare.
Jokes about brown sugar—Demerara

SusanDoris · « **Reply #923 on:** February 12, 2021, 05:56:36 PM »

Quote from: Nearly Sane on February 12, 2021, 05:28:49 PM

Jokes about white sugar are rare.
Jokes about brown sugar—Demerara

Doesn't quite have the right effect when read by Synthetic Dave!!

SteveH · « **Reply #924 on:** February 14, 2021, 10:59:32 AM »

Dish of the Day: St Valentine's Day Moussaka.

News:

Author Topic: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny. (Read 159147 times)