More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.

[Nearly Sane]

Those Suez Canal jokes are getting old now. That ship has sailed

[Nearly Sane]

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .

[Nearly Sane]

Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight if you can't handle the reaper cushione

[Nearly Sane]

Accidently drank a whole bottle of invisible ink. Currently in A&E waiting to be seen.......

[Aruntraveller]

I have a joke about trickle down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.

[Aruntraveller]

A mass brawl broke out at a petrol station last night.

23 were arrested in total.

[jeremyp]

Here's a joke that came to me whilst discussion the criterion of embarrassment on the eye witness thread.

A man bumps into his sister in law on the way home from work one evening. One thing leads to another and they go back to her place for some torrid sex. At the end he says "oh my god, what am  I going to tell my wife? How am I going to explain how late I am?"

His sister in law says "don't worry. Put this piece of chalk behind your eat. Go home and tell her everything".

So he goes home, puts the chalk behind his ear and gets ready to face the music. "Where have you been", his wife demands.

"I met your sister on the way home and we went back to her place for an evening of passion in the front bedroom."

"Don't give me that crap. You've been down the pub playing darts with your mates."

[Walt Zingmatilder]

A guy arrives home late on friday
''Where have you been?'' cries his wife.
The man replies. ''Well it's like this dearest.
I was walking home and a man came up to me
Pulled £60 out of my Jacket, dragged me through the mud, pissed up the front of my trousers and was sick all over my shirt''.

[Nearly Sane]

Man goes to a zoo. There's only one animal. It's a dog. It's a shih tzu. 

[Nearly Sane]

The window cleaner who used to do my windows has retired, she was nice but terrible at it.
I can see clearly now Lorraine has gone.

[ekim]

Eric: When it came to education, my father wanted me to have all the opportunities he never had.
Ernie: So what did he do?
Eric: He sent me to a girls' school.

[Walt Zingmatilder]

A man goes into a pub with a crocodile
''You can't bring that in here says the landlord it's a wild and vicious animal'' says the landlord''
''He's not wild'' says the man ''Look at this''
The man bears his todger and the crocodile opens it's jaws around it. Everybody winces as the jaws slam shut but when the teeth are millimetres from the organ the man whips out a baseball bat and smacks the crocodile on the snout. The crocodile stops short.
''There you go'' says the man flourishing his still intact penis ''any one else want a go?''
At which an old lady says ''I'll have a go as long as you promise not to hit me with the baseball bat.''

[Aruntraveller]

As it's that time of year:

I took home an Oscar once.........at least I think that was his name.

[Aruntraveller]

My neighbour spent all yesterday laying down new turf. Someone stole it during the night. He's out there now, looking forlorn.

[Walt Zingmatilder]

A couple of belters there Trent.

[Nearly Sane]

I’ve just been accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine!

[bluehillside Retd.]

My boss: “I want to talk to you about Susan.”

Me: “Ah Susan (takes a long drag on cigarette)…

...the one that got away.”

My boss: “Dammit man, you’re a zookeeper – they’re not supposed to get away…” 

[bluehillside Retd.]

So a moth goes to the chiropodist.

“Doctor” says the moth – “you gotta help me.”

“OK” replies the chiropodist, “what seems to be the problem?”

“Doc” the moth says, “I’m just so depressed. I hate my job, I hate my friends, I hate everything about my life. I’ve so lost interest in my job I don’t think my boss Mr Rabinovich even knows what I do. This morning I woke up with my wife next to me and I thought, “I don’t love her any more”. Juliana my daughter, she’s running all over town ‘til late at night and I don’t know where she is or even if she gets home at all sometimes. My son Ricardo, every time I look at him I see in his face the same cowardice I see when I look in the mirror – if it wasn’t for that cowardice I swear I’d take out the loaded Colt 45 I keep under the bed and just just blow my brains out.”

“Dear god moth” says the chiropodist, "you’re clearly in deep trouble here.”

“I know” says the moth, “I just don’t know which way to turn any more. Can you help me?”

“Well” says the chiropodist, “let me ask you a question first.”

“Anything Doc” says the moth, “shoot”.

“I was just wondering” says the chiropodist, “why you’ve come to a chiropodist for help with this.”

“Why?” says the moth, “why? Obviously…

…because your light was on."
 

[SusanDoris]

…because your light was on."

[Nearly Sane]

Former Spandau Ballet singer Tony Hadley confirmed that he only needs a single vaccine jab. "I'm very much a one prick Tony," he told reporters.

[Nearly Sane]

Bloke goes for his annual check- up. Dr says, " you are going to have to stop masturbating. Bloke says, "why"? Dr replies, " because I'm trying to examine you".

[bluehillside Retd.]

“If a man lies with a man he should be stoned.” (Leviticus 20.13)

Canada has legalised gay marriage and marijuana…

…just sayin’. 

[Nearly Sane]

I was going to make a joke about the fact that my ornamental pond carp are too shy and timid to come up for food…

But that would be coy.

[Walt Zingmatilder]

A lady goes into a shop and says to the assistant ''what can I buy to keep my surfaces clean and free from superbugs?'' The assistant says ''Ammonia cleaner''. The woman says '' Oh im awfully sorry, I thought you worked here.......''

[Aruntraveller]

Apple have just announced that although their profits are down, their turnover is still excellent.