Author Topic: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.  (Read 159162 times)

Walt Zingmatilder

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #975 on: May 14, 2021, 01:55:44 PM »
Apple have just announced that although their profits are down, their turnover is still excellent.
Meanwhile in Japan the SUMO corporation has gone belly up and the ORIGAMI bank has folded.

jeremyp

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #976 on: May 15, 2021, 05:03:02 PM »
Who is the greatest racing driver of the 70's?

Lauda?

WHO IS THE GREATEST RACING DRIVER OF THE 70'S?
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Aruntraveller

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #977 on: May 17, 2021, 10:00:46 AM »
Therapist: Your wife says that you don't buy her flowers. Is that true?

Him: To be honest I didn't know she sold flowers.
Before we work on Artificial Intelligence shouldn't we address the problem of natural stupidity.

jeremyp

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #978 on: June 01, 2021, 09:27:50 AM »
Top tips:

Parents: make use of your teenage children while they still know everything.
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Nearly Sane

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #979 on: June 01, 2021, 06:58:01 PM »
The Beach Boys walk into a pub...
"Round?"
"Round?"
"Get a round"
"I get a round?"
"Get a round...."

"Fcuk off, " said the bababa bababarman.

Aruntraveller

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #980 on: June 17, 2021, 09:37:18 AM »
I hear proofreading is being abolished.

Is nothing scared?
Before we work on Artificial Intelligence shouldn't we address the problem of natural stupidity.

jeremyp

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #981 on: June 17, 2021, 06:16:30 PM »
I went for an operation. The anaesthetist asked me if I wanted gas or to be hit over the head with a boat paddle. Ir was an ether/oar situation.
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Aruntraveller

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #982 on: June 18, 2021, 07:25:04 PM »
Elton John has been distraught since he lost his e-reader in the storm the other night..........it was gone, just like a kindle in the wind.
Before we work on Artificial Intelligence shouldn't we address the problem of natural stupidity.

Gordon

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #983 on: June 24, 2021, 04:39:17 PM »
There is a rumour that proof-reading is to be made illegal: is nothing scared!

Aruntraveller

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #984 on: June 24, 2021, 04:43:33 PM »
There is a rumour that proof-reading is to be made illegal: is nothing scared!

Plagiarism!  (look about 3 posts back)

Not, of course, that my post was original so I am guilty of the same crime.
Before we work on Artificial Intelligence shouldn't we address the problem of natural stupidity.

Gordon

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #985 on: June 24, 2021, 05:00:50 PM »
Plagiarism!  (look about 3 posts back)

Not, of course, that my post was original so I am guilty of the same crime.

My excuse is that my 14 year-old grand-daughter told me this a wee while ago - plus I'm too doddery to read back!

Profuse alopogies  :)

ekim

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #986 on: June 25, 2021, 04:32:19 PM »
A gentleman wanders around the campus of a college looking for the library. He approaches a student and asked, "Excuse me young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?"

The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, "I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!"

The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, "I beg your pardon. Please allow me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, asshole?"

Aruntraveller

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #987 on: June 27, 2021, 06:51:19 PM »
I was born male, I identify as male, but according to Sainsbury's Sticky Toffee pudding I am actually a family of four.
Before we work on Artificial Intelligence shouldn't we address the problem of natural stupidity.

Aruntraveller

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #988 on: June 28, 2021, 05:01:28 PM »
I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines.

He's a singer songwriter.

Or sew it seams.
Before we work on Artificial Intelligence shouldn't we address the problem of natural stupidity.

Roses

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #989 on: June 28, 2021, 05:17:15 PM »
I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines.

He's a singer songwriter.

Or sew it seams.

 ;D
"At the going down of the sun and in the morning we will remember them."

Sebastian Toe

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #990 on: June 28, 2021, 09:12:48 PM »
I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines.

He's a singer songwriter.

Or sew it seams.
I needled a bit if time to figure that one out.
Once I cottoned on though, it had me in stitches!
"The word God is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive legends.'
Albert Einstein

jeremyp

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #991 on: June 29, 2021, 01:15:08 PM »
I see we're being punished again.
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Spud

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #992 on: July 03, 2021, 09:44:00 AM »
Why didn't the elephant have its covid jab?
Because there were anty-vaxers outside.

When was the appointment again?
Pfizer clock.

Why did the cleaner refuse to hoover the room?
Because he was anti-vacuumation.

Nearly Sane

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #993 on: July 09, 2021, 06:40:39 PM »
In a London Nursing home an old priest lay dying.

For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital.

He motioned for his nurse to come near. Yes, Father..? said the nurse.

I would really like to see Boris Johnson and Matt Hancock before I die.. whispered the priest.

I’ll see what I can do, Father, replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to No 10 and waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived; Boris and Matt would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Boris commented to Matt, I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images.

Matt agreed that it was the right thing to do at this time.

When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took Boris’s hand in his right hand and the Matt's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.

The old priest slowly said: I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.

Amen, said Boris

Amen, said Matt 

The old priest continued, Jesus died between two lying thieving ba****ds; and I would like to do the same...

Walt Zingmatilder

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #994 on: July 09, 2021, 09:16:17 PM »
In a London Nursing home an old priest lay dying.

For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital.

He motioned for his nurse to come near. Yes, Father..? said the nurse.

I would really like to see Boris Johnson and Matt Hancock before I die.. whispered the priest.

I’ll see what I can do, Father, replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to No 10 and waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived; Boris and Matt would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Boris commented to Matt, I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images.

Matt agreed that it was the right thing to do at this time.

When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took Boris’s hand in his right hand and the Matt's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.

The old priest slowly said: I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.

Amen, said Boris

Amen, said Matt

The old priest continued, Jesus died between two lying thieving ba****ds; and I would like to do the same...
A winner.

SusanDoris

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #995 on: July 10, 2021, 06:44:21 AM »
A winner.
Agreed! It made me laugh out loud!
The Most Honourable Sister of Titular Indecision.

Nearly Sane

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #996 on: July 13, 2021, 08:14:53 PM »
I've just been fired from my job as an accountant. I've been there since 2014. What a waste of 12 years!

SteveH

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #997 on: July 26, 2021, 08:45:49 AM »
What the Americans call a résumé, the Brits call a 105.
I have a pet termite. His name is Clint. Clint eats wood.

jeremyp

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #998 on: July 26, 2021, 10:44:36 AM »
I've just been fired from my job as an accountant. I've been there since 2014. What a waste of 12 years!

That doesn't add up.
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Aruntraveller

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #999 on: July 27, 2021, 06:19:55 PM »
Did you know that Boris Johnson spelt backwards reads complete wanker........

hey, if he can make shit up, so can I.
Before we work on Artificial Intelligence shouldn't we address the problem of natural stupidity.