More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.

[ippy]

Why don't the supermarkets lable tins of pear halfs as ones? 

ippy

I know but it's a start.

[Nearly Sane]

I submitted ten puns to a pun competition hoping one would win.


No pun in ten did

[bluehillside Retd.]

What's the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?

[Walt Zingmatilder]

At the inter-convent Darts match Sister Agatha scored a double top and her third dart hit the wire bounced off and killed Mother superior.

The score was One nun dead and eighty.

[Udayana]

Look here ..

I'm really getting fed up with these people knocking on the door and then shouting about how we're all going to burn...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
    ... bloody firemen!

[Owlswing]

I managed to lose 5 kilos last week - damn sniffer dogs

[L.A.]

Three couples each decide to join a church.
They all attend a meeting with the minister together, and he explains that before they can be accepted into the congregation, they must forego marital relations for 3 months.
(yeah, it's one of those freaky churches... )
So he sees them out saying "come back in 12 weeks' time and we'll see how you did".

Well.
3 months pass, and they all meet again.
The first couple are in their late 50s.
"How did you do with the task you were set," asks the minister.
"well," replies the wife, "it was easy going for the most part. The last couple of weeks, he's been a little frisky, but I just booted him out of the house at weekends and made him sleep in the garage."
"I'm very glad to hear that. You have passed the test," says the minister.

"and how about you," he asks the next couple, who are in their 30s.
"it's been rough," says the man. "we lasted two weeks or so before the atmosphere started getting unbearable. we became so stressed. After a month she moved back to her mother's, today is the first time we've been in the same room since then."
"Well done," says the minister, "you will be rewarded for your tribulations."

Lastly, he turns to the 3rd couple who are both in their early 20s. They look distinctly nervous as the minister asks them how they've performed at their task.
"we didn't do too well, I'm afraid," says the girl.
"no, not really," says the boy, "we managed 4 days without sex.
then on the 5th day she was leaning over the freezer to get a frozen chicken out, and I just couldn't resist it, I ripped her clothes off and took her from behind there and then."
The minister thins his lips.
"I'm very sorry, but you are not welcome in this church," he says"



"That's okay, we're no longer welcome in Sainsbury's either."

[Shaker]

I have real trouble spelling my address.

Surrey seems to be the hardest word.

[bluehillside Retd.]

I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know why.

[Shaker]

The wife and I tossed a coin to see who would get to name the baby.

He's called Tails.

[L.A.]

The local church put up a large sign (as they do):

Have you sinned today ?

Someone wrote at the bottom:


If not ring Julie 0753 xxxxxxxx

[Shaker]

BBC News: Two pedestrians die in collision.

Fuck me, how fast were they walking?

*

In an old people's home an old man comes tottering up on his Zimmer frame to an old lady in a wheelchair.

"How old do you think I am, eh? Eh?"

The old lady leans over, unzips his flies, sticks her hand into his trousers and starts massaging his tackle. "Eighty-nine and a half," she says.

"That's spot on! Exactly ... and you can tell that just from holding my meat and two veg?"

"No. You told me yesterday."

*

My best mate has become addicted to sniffing brake fluid.

I'm really worried about him but he says he can stop any time.

*

Decent jokes about white sugar are rare.

Decent jokes about brown sugar, demarara.

[L.A.]

Man tries to get into a night club but the door-man stops him - "Sorry mate, dress code, you must wear a tie". So he goes away and suddenly has an idea. He remembers that he has got some jump leads in the car that look quite like a bootlace tie. So he manages to put on the jump leads and they look quite authentic so he returns to the club. The door man eyes him suspiciously, "That's not a real tie you are wearing, I'd say it's a pair of jump leads".  "Yes, I know but they look just like a tie and it's the best I can do" said the man.


"OK, I'll let you in wearing jump leads just this once" said the door man"

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.


"But don't start anything!"

[ekim]

Seen on church notice boards.....

Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church.  Children will be baptised at both ends.

Tuesday at 4 p.m. there will be an ice cream social.  All ladies giving milk please come early.

Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mother's Club.  All ladies wishing to be 'Little Mothers' will meet the pastor in his study.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind.  They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon will be "What is Hell"?  Come early and listen to our choir practise.

[ippy]

Man tries to get into a night club but the door-man stops him - "Sorry mate, dress code, you must wear a tie". So he goes away and suddenly has an idea. He remembers that he has got some jump leads in the car that look quite like a bootlace tie. So he manages to put on the jump leads and they look quite authentic so he returns to the club. The door man eyes him suspiciously, "That's not a real tie you are wearing, I'd say it's a pair of jump leads".  "Yes, I know but they look just like a tie and it's the best I can do" said the man.


"OK, I'll let you in wearing jump leads just this once" said the door man"

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.


"But don't start anything!"

Is that the same Night club four friends, one Australian, a Japanese guy, a New Zeelander and a Brit got turned away from, when they asked the doorman why, he said no Thai. 

ippy

[Gonnagle]

Dear ippy,

You did say, as long as they are funny

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library'. I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"

source: http://jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/comedianjokes/timvinejokes.html

Tim Vines, ridiculous but always funny

Gonnagle.

[ippy]

Dear ippy,

You did say, as long as they are funny

source: http://jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/comedianjokes/timvinejokes.html

Tim Vines, ridiculous but always funny

Gonnagle.

That's right Gonners I was being serious.

ippy

[Owlswing]

. . . as long as they are funny . . .

Hmm - that cuts out all the ones about blondes and Essex girls!

[ippy]

. . . as long as they are funny . . .

Hmm - that cuts out all the ones about blondes and Essex girls!

Do you mean the two blonds that walked into a building; you'd have thought one of them might have seen it?

ippy

[Nearly Sane]

Light hearted look at Northern Ireland and the Republic being at the Euros

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fzaD7YFdq4

[Owlswing]

Do you mean the two blonds that walked into a building; you'd have thought one of them might have seen it?

ippy

No - the one about two blonds with a brunette between them as an interpreter.

Or - Why do Essex girls wear knickers to go to a disco?

To keep their ankles warm

[ippy]

No - the one about two blonds with a brunette between them as an interpreter.

Or - Why do Essex girls wear knickers to go to a disco?

To keep their ankles warm

If you haven'd done so already have a go with Gonners link.

ippy 

[Walt Zingmatilder]

A male streaker ran past three elderly nuns today......

Two of them had a stroke.........................

The third couldn't quite reach.

[Walt Zingmatilder]

Mrs Doyle of Craggy Island wins a sum of money on the lottery, goes to her local and offers to buy everybody a drink. After taking everyone's orders  Mrs Doyle sees a nun standing outside and asks her if she'll take a drink.

''Oh No'' Says the nun I couldn't possibly because of my religious vows.''

After several rounds of go on, go on, go on, the nun relents and says '' i'll have a little bit of gin in a paper cup.

Mrs Doyle goes back in and reels off the order and says ''oh and can I have a little bit of gin in a paper cup?''

''Oh no'' says the barman, ''not that fecking Nun again....that's the tenth one this evening.''

[L.A.]

Two Belfast men go to Rome for their holidays. Naturally, after wandering around all day looking in vain for a fish and chip shop, they decide to go and get drunk.
So they find a pub and wander in and set themselves up at the bar, but they don't recognise any of the drinks on the shelves, and there's no sign of draught Bass about the place. Undeterred, one of them summons the barman.
'Tell us, head-the-ball,' he says, 'what does the Pope drink when he goes out for the night?'
'Creme de menthe,' says the barman, recognising a right couple of eejits when he sees them.
'Right,' says the other Belfast man. 'If it's good enough for the Pope, it's good enough for us. We'll have two pints of creme de menthe.'
So they knock back the two pints of creme de menthe and order two more, and the next thing they know it's dawn the next day and they're waking up in the gutter with their mouths tasting like the outside toilets at a peppermint factory.
'Holy mother of God,' says one, 'if that's the stuff the Pope drinks, no wonder they carry him around in a chair all the time.'