More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.

[Owlswing]

If you haven'd done so already have a go with Gonners link.

ippy

I have and it is good - especially the punch-line.

At some matches this means exactly what it says on the tin

[Owlswing]

What's the difference between a witch's wand and a policeman's trucheon?

One is used for cunning stunts . . .


What is the differnce between a rottweiller and a woman with P M T?

Rottweillers don't wear lipstick


What is the difference between a liar and a political spin doctor?

About two-hundred and fifty grand a year

 

[Aruntraveller]

Your last one reminded me of another old one:

What's the difference between a gay man and a straight man - oh about six pints.

[ippy]

Your last one reminded me of another old one:

What's the difference between a gay man and a straight man - oh about six pints.

You speak for yourself Trent and at the same time I've no problem with anyone being gay.

ippy

[Aruntraveller]

You speak for yourself Trent and at the same time I've no problem with anyone being gay.

ippy

I wasn't speaking for anyone in particular - it was a joke. Probably based on the experience that some men who identify as straight come over all excited to other men when they've had a few. Certainly happened to me once or twice in the dim and distant past.

[Harrowby Hall]

Two nuns riding bicycles back to the convent late at night. After a while they realise they are lost.

The older nun said:"I'm pretty certain that if we take the next right it's a short cut back to the convent." So they turn right and find themselves in a maze of Victorian streets.

Half an hour later they are still pedalling aimlessly through unfamiliar streets.

"Do you often come this way?" Asked the younger nun.

"Not normally" replied her companion "I think it must be the cobbles."

[Owlswing]

Your last one reminded me of another old one:

What's the difference between a gay man and a straight man - oh about six pints.

Love it!    

[Owlswing]

Two nuns riding bicycles back to the convent late at night. After a while they realise they are lost.

The older nun said:"I'm pretty certain that if we take the next right it's a short cut back to the convent." So they turn right and find themselves in a maze of Victorian streets.

Half an hour later they are still pedalling aimlessly through unfamiliar streets.

"Do you often come this way?" Asked the younger nun.

"Not normally" replied her companion "I think it must be the cobbles."

Same two nuns a few weeks later walking through the woods to see an elderly parishioner got raped.

As they walked away from the scene one asked the other "How do we explain to Mother Superior that we got raped twice?"

The other said "We only got raped once!"

"But we have to go back the same way!" said the other.

[Owlswing]

 A bear and a rabbit were peacefully taking a dump in the woods and the bear asked the rabbit if shit stuck to his fur.

"Oh no, I've never had that problem" said the rabbit

"Good" said the bear and wiped his arse on the rabbit.

[ippy]

Gonners, your link, I don't think that's the way for you to get into heaven, ever.

I've been relating some of the material to my wife from your link, she keeps waving a white flag at me?

ippy 

[SqueakyVoice]

Two nuns are driving down a dark, narrow country lane, when a vampire leaps on to the bonnet.

The driver screeches to a halt and says, "Quick, show him your cross!"

The other nun gets out and shouts, "GET OFF THE FUCKING CAR!"

[Shaker]

Oldie (in fact now rendered obsolete by relatively recent changes) but a goodie.

Bloke gets pulled over on the M6 for speeding. Constibule Plod walks over to the car and sees the driver with an enormous dog on the passenger seat which he's punching in the face.

Oh, beautiful thinks Dibble to himself - speeding and animal cruelty. You're fucking nicked now, me old son.

"Excuse me sir," he says. "Were you aware that you were just registered as travelling at 104 miles per hour? And can you explain why you are striking that animal?"

"Yes!" shouts the man. "The bastard's just eaten my tax disc!"

[Aruntraveller]

This is also an oldie and possibly the worst taste joke I tell and usually when drunk:

Princess Di and the Queen are travelling in the Roller when they are hijacked by a group of thugs who demand all their valuables - the Queen hands over her handbag as does Princess Di.

The thieves drive off in the Rolls Royce leaving Di and HRH on the roadside. After a little silence the Queen says: "Diana - I notice they didn't get your pearl necklace - what did you do with it?"

"Well" says Diana sheepishly "I hid it up my fanny" "Oh I see" says the Queen.

After a further silence Diana says: "I noticed they didn't get your Tiara - what did you do with that?"

The Queen replied also rather sheepishly "I did the same".

A further silence ensued.

Then the Queen said: "What a pity Margaret wasn't here - we could have saved the fucking Rolls Royce"

[Walt Zingmatilder]

Stewart Lee apparently was due to go on stage but hesitated. When his manager quizzed him Lee said he couldn't go on because he ''felt a little funny''. His manager told him to get on stage before it wore off.

[Aruntraveller]

BADUM-TISH!

[Walt Zingmatilder]

An employee of Sports direct warehouse was late for work and was speeding.
He was pulled over.
''What is your name?'' said the Traffic Cop.
''Bill Wankbreak' 'said the driver.
''Don't get funny with me son'' said the policeman.
''No seriously'' says Mr Wankbreak''That's my name.....check with my work if you don't believe me.''
So the policemen phones Sport Direct warehouse and asks if they have a Wankbreak.
''Wankbreak? We don't even have a teabreak!'' came the reply.

[jeremyp]

We can't have this thread without Milton Jones:

My granddad was ill so my grandmother rubbed his back with lard. After that, he went downhill fast.

I was sitting in traffic, got run over.

When I was a child I had a condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day. Lucky my brother told me about it really.

Militant feminists; I take my hat off to them. They don't like that.

And an Emo Philips:

I loved the first snow of winter as a child. I used to rush up to the front door and sy to my parents "come on, you know the deal, let me in".

[Shaker]

Chappy is diddling along the motorway when the jam jar suddenly starts stuttering and stalling - he limps over to the hard shoulder just in time before it packs up completely.

Fortunately he's in the AA so he gets on the blower to explain the situation. Details taken, he's told that the AA bloke will be with him as soon as possible. Sure enough, within half an hour the big yellow van turns up and the AA man gets the hood up and starts poking about.

After about five minutes of this, laddo pipes up: "What's up? Can you fix it?"

AA man points with his screwdriver and says: "Shit in your carburettor."

"Oh," says the driver. "So ... how often will I have to do that, then?"

[Owlswing]

Chappy is diddling along the motorway when the jam jar suddenly starts stuttering and stalling - he limps over to the hard shoulder just in time before it packs up completely.

Fortunately he's in the AA so he gets on the blower to explain the situation. Details taken, he's told that the AA bloke will be with him as soon as possible. Sure enough, within half an hour the big yellow van turns up and the AA man gets the hood up and starts poking about.

After about five minutes of this, laddo pipes up: "What's up? Can you fix it?"

AA man points with his screwdriver and says: "Shit in your carburettor."

"Oh," says the driver. "So ... how often will I have to do that, then?"

I love the way you changed the driver in the joke to a man from a dumb blond which it was when I first heard it from a smart brunette!

[Rhiannon]

This is from Paul Merton:

"My aunt died at precisely 10.47am and the old grandfather clock stopped at precisely the same time also. It fell on her."

[Shaker]

I love the way you changed the driver in the joke to a man from a dumb blond which it was when I first heard it from a smart brunette!

No, I first heard it told using a man

[Rhiannon]

This is my stepladder.

I never knew my real ladder.

[Rhiannon]

Patient: I keep thinking I'm covered in gold paint.

Doctor: You clearly have a gilt complex.

[Gonnagle]

Dear Rhiannon,

No stop!!

This is the winner

This is my stepladder.

I never knew my real ladder.

Now that is a keeper! I really can't wait until next time I use a step ladder in company, hey!! I don't get out often, well not without supervision.

Gonnagle.

[Rhiannon]

- Don't stand near those trees!

- Why?

- They look shady.