Author Topic: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.  (Read 158484 times)

Walt Zingmatilder

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #100 on: August 16, 2016, 09:28:22 AM »
How do you find out the clan of a Scotsman?

Put your hand up his kilt and if you find a quarter pounder .........................he's a MacDonald.

L.A.

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #101 on: August 16, 2016, 09:46:19 AM »
 Nothing is worn under the kilt Madam - it's all in perfect working order!
Brexit Bar:

Full of nuts but with lots of flakey bits and a bitter aftertaste

ippy

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #102 on: August 16, 2016, 02:51:23 PM »
"Doctor? One minute I feel like a Teepee the next thing soon after that I start feeling like a Wigwam and before you know it I'm back to feeling like a Teepee again", Doctor answers, "don't worry you're just feeling a bit too tense".   

ippy

ekim

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #103 on: August 16, 2016, 05:07:54 PM »
Tommy Cooper .... Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.  They charged one and let the other off.

bluehillside Retd.

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #104 on: August 16, 2016, 05:27:25 PM »
I remember my wife telling me that sex on holiday was so much better...





...worst postcard I ever had.
"Don't make me come down there."

God

Walt Zingmatilder

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #105 on: August 16, 2016, 06:26:20 PM »
At balloon Crown court today a balloon was sent down for deflating his wife and his wife's lover who was the defendants brother and then deflating himself.

In summing up the judge told the defendant that not only had he let those nearest to him down but what was worse was that he had let himself down.

Walt Zingmatilder

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #106 on: August 16, 2016, 06:35:03 PM »
A Brexit voting farmer went to the Minister of Agriculture to demand that he still received his subsidy.

The minister kneed the farmer in the groin and told him "There's a couple of Achers to start with !"

jeremyp

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #107 on: August 17, 2016, 05:26:51 PM »
Heard quite a good one on the R4 New Comics award show the other day.

My parents met each other in a gay bar.

After 28 years of marriage.
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Keith Maitland

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #108 on: August 19, 2016, 04:36:59 AM »
Before you criticise a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticise him, you’ll be a mile away and have his shoes.


;D

Owlswing

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #109 on: August 19, 2016, 10:53:58 AM »

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?

A: It's Braille for 'suck here'


Q:WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?

A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'


Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.


Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

A: Because when they come, They're wild and wet. But when they go, they
 Take your house and car with them.


Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...


Q: What is a man's ultimate embarrassment?

A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his Nose.

 
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?

'Not yet,' she replied
The Holy Bible, probably the most diabolical work of fiction ever to be visited upon mankind.

An it harm none, do what you will; an it harm some, do what you must!

Owlswing

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #110 on: August 19, 2016, 11:05:52 AM »

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that it would burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

For the ladies only - Why does your Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing to check the above and read on......

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
The Holy Bible, probably the most diabolical work of fiction ever to be visited upon mankind.

An it harm none, do what you will; an it harm some, do what you must!

ippy

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #111 on: August 19, 2016, 11:15:10 AM »
What do you call a fish with no eyes, a fsh.

ippy

Nearly Sane

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Nearly Sane

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #113 on: August 23, 2016, 10:02:41 AM »
Conductor:'Do you need a ticket?'

Polar Bear: 'Yes..

PB:

PB:

PB: ..please'

Conductor: Why the big pause?

PB: Oh, I've always had those

Walt Zingmatilder

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #114 on: August 23, 2016, 10:09:58 AM »
From the Fringe

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-37154550
Apparently, all those jokes were delivered before the sensation of feeling ''a little funny'' wore off.

ippy

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #115 on: August 23, 2016, 10:56:40 AM »
That brave suffragette that threw herself under a horse got a load of publicity for her sacrifice, no one ever mentions her husband and how he had to manage going without his evening meal, it's never been mentioned.

ippy
« Last Edit: August 23, 2016, 11:01:10 AM by ippy »

Aruntraveller

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #116 on: August 23, 2016, 12:15:46 PM »
Its that time of year again - Edinburgh Fringe best joke:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-37154550
Before we work on Artificial Intelligence shouldn't we address the problem of natural stupidity.

jeremyp

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #117 on: August 23, 2016, 07:18:14 PM »
Its that time of year again - Edinburgh Fringe best joke:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-37154550
You've been ninja'd by NS in #112
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Walt Zingmatilder

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #118 on: August 23, 2016, 09:35:00 PM »
You've been ninja'd by NS in #112
I thought it had worn off before Trent reposted it.

Aruntraveller

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #119 on: August 23, 2016, 11:48:34 PM »
You've been ninja'd by NS in #112

So I have. Still I can't think of a nicer person to be ninja'd by.
Before we work on Artificial Intelligence shouldn't we address the problem of natural stupidity.

trippymonkey

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #120 on: August 24, 2016, 08:03:24 AM »
A TV company is looking for people from towns to appear in a documentary. They are looking for people with shaved heads, goatee beards, tattoos on knuckles, beer bellies and who can fart/belch at will.
Successful applicants will be allowed to take their husbands along with them.

Nick

jeremyp

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #121 on: August 24, 2016, 04:44:08 PM »
A TV company is looking for people from towns to appear in a documentary. They are looking for people with shaved heads, goatee beards, tattoos on knuckles, beer bellies and who can fart/belch at will.
Successful applicants will be allowed to take their husbands along with them.

Nick

Can you post the link. My wife is interested.
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trippymonkey

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #122 on: August 24, 2016, 08:56:44 PM »
Oh You GIT ?!?!!? You nearly had me for a sec then ?!?!!?
LOL

Khatru

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #123 on: September 05, 2016, 10:44:58 AM »
It was a glorious spring day in Paris and the father was taking his young daughter for a walk in the park. 

Suddenly, the girl spots some movement behind the bushes so she skips over to have a look, shrieks and runs back to her father. 

"Papa, there is a couple having sex behind the bush!"

"Ah, mais oui" says the father.  "You have to understand that Paris in the spring is the city of love and that we French are a very passionate people."

"Yes" says the daughter "But the lady - she is dead!"

"Sacre bleu!" says the father as he runs off to find a gendarme.

He spots the policeman and runs up to him...

"There is a couple having sex behind the bush!" says the father.

"Ah, mais oui" says the gendarme.  "You have to understand that Paris in the spring is the city of love and that we French are a very passionate people."

"Yes" says the father "But the lady - she is dead!"

"Sacre bleu!" says the gendarme as he runs to the bush and taps the man on the shoulder.

"Sir, what are you doing having sex?" says the gendarme.

"Ah, mais oui" says the man.  "You have to understand that Paris in the spring is the city of love and that we French are a very passionate people."

"Yes" says the gendarme "But the lady - she is dead!"

"Ah no" says the man "She is not dead, she is English".

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy"

Dorothy Parker

Keith Maitland

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #124 on: September 09, 2016, 03:08:22 AM »
A 13 ft wall in Calais?


..... And a business opportunity for Ladders R Us