Author Topic: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny. (Read 159226 times)

Keith Maitland · « **Reply #125 on:** September 09, 2016, 05:25:48 AM »

■ HAVE we just seen a political Vaz-ectomy?

■ KEITH VAZ did not sell very good washing machines if the newspapers managed to air his dirty laundry.

Keith Maitland · « **Reply #126 on:** September 12, 2016, 04:44:25 AM »

WHAT do you get if you cross an artist with a policeman?

A brush with the law.

Keith Maitland · « **Reply #127 on:** September 13, 2016, 03:18:33 AM »

WHY did the cyclops close down his school?

Because he had only one pupil.

ippy · « **Reply #128 on:** September 13, 2016, 04:55:56 AM »

Quote from: Keith Maitland on September 13, 2016, 03:18:33 AM

WHY did the cyclops close down his school?

Because he had only one pupil.

Sounds a bit like the cross eyed teacher that couldn't control her pupils.

ippy

Keith Maitland · « **Reply #129 on:** September 16, 2016, 03:20:41 AM »

Quote from: ippy on September 13, 2016, 04:55:56 AM

Sounds a bit like the cross eyed teacher that couldn't control her pupils.

ippy

Keith Maitland · « **Reply #130 on:** September 16, 2016, 03:21:19 AM »

WHY does cheese look sane?

Because everything else on the plate is crackers.

Keith Maitland · « **Reply #131 on:** October 06, 2016, 03:32:27 AM »

Why is history fruity?

Because it’s full of dates.

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #132 on:** October 09, 2016, 04:31:52 PM »

Mountains aren't funny, they are hill areas

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #133 on:** October 13, 2016, 02:58:07 PM »

Credit to Jason Manford

'Why aren't friendly clowns speaking out about these killer extremist clowns?'

bluehillside Retd. · « **Reply #134 on:** October 13, 2016, 03:03:38 PM »

NS,

Quote

Credit to Jason Manford

'Why aren't friendly clowns speaking out about these killer extremist clowns?'

The good news though is that if they did manage to catch them they'd all fit into one police car...

...but then the bad news I suppose is that the doors would fall off.

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #135 on:** October 13, 2016, 03:13:48 PM »

Radio 4 in 4 minutes

https://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=ZRXGsPBUV5g

SqueakyVoice · « **Reply #136 on:** October 13, 2016, 03:18:48 PM »

I went to see a clown act once and they were awful.

As they were coming on stage, one of their mobile phones went off. So he just stopped and stood there answering it.

The other clowns were really confused at first, but then one of them got so angry, he picked up a bucket of water and threw it over him. Just terrible.

Turned out the bucket only had confetti in it. Awful they were...

(courtesy of Sean Lock)

floo · « **Reply #137 on:** October 13, 2016, 03:33:09 PM »

Quote from: SqueakyVoice on October 13, 2016, 03:18:48 PM

I went to see a clown act once and they were awful.

As they were coming on stage, one of their mobile phones went off. So he just stopped and stood there answering it.

The other clowns were really confused at first, but then one of them got so angry, he picked up a bucket of water and threw it over him. Just terrible.

Turned out the bucket only had confetti in it. Awful they were...

(courtesy of Sean Lock)

I first saw clowns when I was six, when we came over to the UK for a holiday. We went to see Blackpool circus, I was terrified and thought they were awful, I still find them creepy.

Brownie · « **Reply #138 on:** October 16, 2016, 10:18:30 PM »

SERIOUS ENQUIRIES ONLY

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 England vs Wales game. They are box seats plus travel and hotel accommodation. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go instead of him: It's at St Pete's Church in Fulham at 3pm. Her name is Sue. She will be the one in the white dress.

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #139 on:** October 20, 2016, 09:02:47 AM »

Pick a line

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/comedy/comedians/funny-jokes/tony-hancock/

L.A. · « **Reply #140 on:** October 24, 2016, 09:04:30 AM »

After living a pure sinless life, a Scotsman passed away and found himself standing before Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "Sorry we can't accept you" said the saint. "We're not making porridge for one".

Owlswing · « **Reply #141 on:** October 24, 2016, 11:34:59 AM »

The Devil proposed a football match between Heaven and Hell,

God accepted with a huge grin on his face.

The Devil wanted to know what he was grinning about and God told him that he could not lose as he had every great fooballer since the invention of the game to chose from.

The Devil started to laugh and told God that Heaven would lose spectacularly and God wanted to know how he thought he could possibly win.

"Because I have all the referees!"

Owlswing · « **Reply #142 on:** October 24, 2016, 11:38:59 AM »

What is the difference between a magician's wand and a policeman's truncheon?

One is used for cunning stunts the other for . . . . . . . . . . . !

Why does a police dog always have to have a handler?

Because the dog can't work the radio.

What is the difference between a porcupine and a carload of politicians?

The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Owlswing · « **Reply #143 on:** October 24, 2016, 11:40:30 AM »

Dolly Parton was once asked how she managed to have such huge boobs but such a small waist.

Her answer?

"Honey, nothing grows much when its always in the shade!"

ekim · « **Reply #144 on:** October 24, 2016, 12:58:55 PM »

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #145 on:** October 24, 2016, 02:50:22 PM »

Quote from: ekim on October 24, 2016, 12:58:55 PM

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.

Mad me LOL. Very good.

I know - it's the simple things that please me. You don't have to tell me.

Owlswing · « **Reply #146 on:** October 24, 2016, 02:58:32 PM »

Quote from: ekim on October 24, 2016, 12:58:55 PM

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.

Famously attributed to David Beckham!

Owlswing · « **Reply #147 on:** October 24, 2016, 03:00:09 PM »

How do minks get their babies?

The same way Babes get their minks!

SqueakyVoice · « **Reply #148 on:** October 25, 2016, 09:25:29 PM »

In my youth, I used to worry sheep.

I'd siddle up to them and say, "There isn't a god."

(S Lock)

ippy · « **Reply #149 on:** October 31, 2016, 11:06:05 AM »

Do divers with chicken pox come up to scratch?

ippy

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Author Topic: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny. (Read 159226 times)

floo