More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.

[ippy]

The people that live in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but the population of Abu  Dhabi do.

ippy

[floo]

Old Composers Never Die…
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple of days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth...the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing.”
 

[Owlswing]

A young zebra wandered up to his dad and announced that he wanted to support Arsenal.

"Arsenal" roared Dad. "No bloody way - you'll support Newcastle like the rest of us!"



Baby polar bear walks up to his Mum, "Mum, are you sure I'm a Polar Bear?"

"Of course you are. I'm a Polar Bear, your Dad's a polar Bear, your berother and sister are Polar Bears! Why would you nnot be a Polar Bear?"

"'Cos I'm fucking freezing!"

[Hope]

Three cosmetic surgeons were playing a round of golf, and started to talk about their greatest achievements.

The first said that his best had been the factory worker who had had his hands stuck in machinery.  All he had left attached were his thumbs, but his colleagues had managed to retrieve the fingers from the machinery and he had stitched them back on - 'and now he's a world class concert pianist'

The second said that his best had been the farmer who fell into a threshing machine and had his legs chopped off.  Again, his colleagues managed to salvage the legs, and delivered them to the hospital in a plastic bag.  Many hours later, successful surgery was completed - 'and he won a sprint gold medal at the recent Olympics'.

The third said that his best was better than both of those.  His patient had been riding a horse and had tried to cross a railway track before  a train could overtake him.  Sadly, he was too slow and the train smashed into him leaving a mess of human and horse flesh and bone all over the place.  All that was recovered was the man's blond hairpiece and the horse's arse.  The surgeon stitched what he had together - 'and now he's President-elect of the USA'.

[Ricky Spanish]

So here's the Story:

Way back in the distant past I was living in a shared house, one night I had the place to myself so invited my girlfriend round for a romantic meal with the intention of popping that special question at the end of it.

The evening was going swimmingly and we retreated to the lounge to finish off the bottle on the premise of watching a video. I was getting myself all geared up to get down on bended knee and propose to her when one of my housemates called Joseph barged into the room, worse for wear, all loud and full of bonhomie when he tripped over his obviously pished feet and crashed head first through the glass coffee table in the middle of the room, kind of killing off the mood.

Now I have to admit I didn't know Joseph that well, in fact, I can't even remember where was from but suffice to say I put my plans for that evening on hold whilst we tended to his injuries and waited for the ambulance services to arrive.

Sadly Joseph had got a shard of glass in one of his eyes rendering him practically blind in that eye and spent many months walking around with one of those cotton pads taped over it, now being the kind souls we all were we tried our best to help him through his injury. Then suddenly one day he just disappeared, along with my girlfriend.

Apparently whilst nursing his pain they had really bonded and decided to basically fly off together. There was no note, nothing, just there one day and gone the other. Naturally, I tried to track them down to get some answers to my anguish, but to no avail.




So in conclusion:




If it wasn't for cotton eyed Joe I would have been married a long time ago.

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from Cotton-eyed Joe?

[Sriram]

So here's the Story:

Way back in the distant past I was living in a shared house, one night I had the place to myself so invited my girlfriend round for a romantic meal with the intention of popping that special question at the end of it.

The evening was going swimmingly and we retreated to the lounge to finish off the bottle on the premise of watching a video. I was getting myself all geared up to get down on bended knee and propose to her when one of my housemates called Joseph barged into the room, worse for wear, all loud and full of bonhomie when he tripped over his obviously pished feet and crashed head first through the glass coffee table in the middle of the room, kind of killing off the mood.

Now I have to admit I didn't know Joseph that well, in fact, I can't even remember where was from but suffice to say I put my plans for that evening on hold whilst we tended to his injuries and waited for the ambulance services to arrive.

Sadly Joseph had got a shard of glass in one of his eyes rendering him practically blind in that eye and spent many months walking around with one of those cotton pads taped over it, now being the kind souls we all were we tried our best to help him through his injury. Then suddenly one day he just disappeared, along with my girlfriend.

Apparently whilst nursing his pain they had really bonded and decided to basically fly off together. There was no note, nothing, just there one day and gone the other. Naturally, I tried to track them down to get some answers to my anguish, but to no avail.




So in conclusion:




If it wasn't for cotton eyed Joe I would have been married a long time ago.

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from Cotton-eyed Joe?

Yes....however macho and clever one may be, a woman's nursing instincts can get the better of everything.  Sad but true.

So always watch out for those guys who have a sob story. Your girl may run off with him. 

[L.A.]

As a gesture of good-will a Satanist group decided to donate some cakes to the local church's Christmas fete but the vicar declined their offer as he suspected that they contained desecrated coconut.

[jeremyp]

The other day, my girlfriend was feeling grumpy.

That's the last time I take her to see Snow White.

[jeremyp]

The other day, my girlfriend was feeling grumpy.

That's the last time I take her to see Snow White.

I've just thought of six more jokes.

[bluehillside Retd.]

jeremy,

I've just thought of six more jokes.

Your surprise me - I'd heard there was a dwarf shortage.

[Owlswing]

Friday morning and a Teddy Bear turned ap at a building site that was advertising for manual labourers. He passed the interview and the medical and was told to start at 0800 Monday.

Monday morning Teddy turns up is given his hard hat, his boots, his security pass and a pick. Off he trots and has a good day, clocks off and trots off home.

Tuesday morning he's back but at 0820 he's in the office complaining that his tools have been stolen.

"Oh bugger!" says the Foreman, It's Tuesday innit!"

"W T F's that got to do with anything?" asks Teddy,

"Oh come on - you should know that Tuesday's the day that Teddy Bears have their picks nicked!"   

[Owlswing]

Paddy is walking along the street in his home town when his donkey keels over stone dead. The real problem Paddy has is that the donkey dies whilst sporting a truly donkey-length erection.

Scarlet with embarrassment and trying to think what to do about the offending organ, he finally pulls out his penknife, cuts the organ off and tucks it in his pocket, walking off as nonchalantly as possible, whistling tunelessly.

A few mnutes later he passes a ten foot high brick wall and takes the opportunity to rid himself of his burden by lobbing it over the wall and walking away rapidly.

Unfortunately the wall belongs to the local convent and Paddy's burden landed right in the middle of the path that the nuns walked in solemn contemplation. Sister Mary Joseph told her companion to stay and make sure nobody touched the thing, lifted her robes, and ran Hell-for-leather to Mother Superior's office, banging on the door and barging straight in.

"Mother Superior, come quickly and see what those murdering Protestant bastards have done to poor Father O'Connell!"

[jeremyp]

jeremy,

Your surprise me - I'd heard there was a dwarf shortage.

Oh right, the dwarves, didn't think of them.

The other day, my girlfriend felt strange.

That's the last time I'm taking her to meet Benedict bloody Cumberbatch.

[jeremyp]

jeremy,

Your surprise me - I'd heard there was a dwarf shortage.

Better than a short dwarfage.

[jeremyp]

jeremy,

Your surprise me - I'd heard there was a dwarf shortage.

The other night, my girlfriend went to the local observatory. She had an exciting time observing Uranus.

Apparently you needed a longer kilt.

[jeremyp]

The other day, my girlfriend went out for a prawn curry with some members of the cast of Star Trek. Unfortunately, the curry was a bit dodgy and there was a nasty accident. She tried to get out of the way but William Shatner.

[Sebastian Toe]

Never, under any circumstances whatsoever,  take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[Sebastian Toe]

Many years ago I got into a very heated argument with a huge bloke.
He said "I'm going to wipe the floor with your face."
I said "You'll be wishing that you hadn't."
He said, whilst rolling up his sleeves, "Oh yes and why is that?"
I said "There's no way you will manage to get right into the corners"

[Sebastian Toe]

Two cats were trying to swim across a river.
One was called OneTwoThree and the other was called UnDeuxTrois.
Only one made it across.
Which one?
It was OneTwoThree because UnDeuxTrois cat sank.

[floo]

I have just bought a Birthday card which is quite amusing.

There is picture of a couple of penguins and a lawn mower on a small ice flow. The caption reads, "Ok I admit it, it was an impulse buy!"

[Sebastian Toe]

I have just bought a Birthday card which is quite amusing.

There is picture of a couple of penguins and a lawn mower on a small ice flow. The caption reads, "Ok I admit it, it was an impulse buy!"

Ha. Yes buying an ice flow in the antarctic would be silly!

[ekim]

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.
The brain said, “I do all the thinking so I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”
The eyes said, “I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”
The hands said, “Without me we wouldn’t be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”
The stomach said, “I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we’d starve. So I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”
The legs said, “Without me we wouldn’t be able to move anywhere. So I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”
Then the rectum said, “I think I should be in charge.”
All the rest of the parts burst into laughter at the suggestion.
So the rectum closed up in embarassment.

After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes became blurred, and the brain became foggy. They all agreed that they couldn’t take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.

The moral of the story?

You don’t have to be the most important to be in charge, just an asshole.

[L.A.]

A man walked up to the bar to order a meal. 'Table number?' asked  the barman. 'Infinity' came the reply. The barman turned his head 'Oi Fred, you've put table 8 in the wrong way round again'.

[SusanDoris]

I have just bought a Birthday card which is quite amusing.

There is picture of a couple of penguins and a lawn mower on a small ice flow. The caption reads, "Ok I admit it, it was an impulse buy!"

Good one! The local card shops don't seem to have those penguin joke cards any more.

[Walter]

You don’t have to be the most important to be in charge, just an asshole.

quite amusing , but its 'arse hole'  not asshole.
thank you