More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.

[ekim]

quite amusing , but its 'arse hole'  not asshole.
thank you

According to the Oxford Dictionary it is a variant of arsehole (of North American origin).  It's probably an American joke.

[Walter]

According to the Oxford Dictionary it is a variant of arsehole (of North American origin).  It's probably an American joke.

I know, but I'm English.
actually I'm a Yorkshireman but we wont go down that road

[Ricky Spanish]

Bloke walks into Greggs the Bakers, studies what's on offer then asks the assistant:

"Is That A Doughnut or a Meringue"?

The Assistant says "Nah, yer right enough..

It's a Doughnut"..

[Walter]

Bloke walks into Greggs the Bakers, studies what's on offer then asks the assistant:

"Is That A Doughnut or a Meringue"?

The Assistant says "Nah, yer right enough..

It's a Doughnut"..

well you messed that one up.

[trippymonkey]

I know, but I'm English.
actually I'm a Yorkshireman but we wont go down that road

YES INDEED as I've heard about you Yorkies ?!!?!? LOL
I'm a Lanky boy meself !!!!

Nick

[Walter]

YES INDEED as I've heard about you Yorkies ?!!?!? LOL
I'm a Lanky boy meself !!!!

Nick

how dare you?

[trippymonkey]

how dare you?

VERY EASILY ?!!?? LOL

[floo]

The Meaning of Life

I spent 20 minutes explaining life insurance options to one of our employees.
After reviewing the different plans and monthly deductions, he decided to max out, choosing £100,000 worth of life insurance. But he had one last question.
"Now," he said, "what do I have to do to collect the money?” 
 

[L.A.]

Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one single drop of paint on their habits. After discussing it, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"

[floo]

Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one single drop of paint on their habits. After discussing it, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"

 

[L.A.]

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically,he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot, "What's your name?"
"Moses," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot", sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Moses?"
The parrot replied, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."

[floo]

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically,he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot, "What's your name?"
"Moses," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot", sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Moses?"
The parrot replied, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."

 

[SqueakyVoice]

The wife of a compuer programmer sent him to the shop to buy a loaf of bread. As he was leaving she said to him,
""See if they've got any eggs, if they have get a dozen."

He came home with twelve loaves of bread.

[jeremyp]

The wife of a compuer programmer sent him to the shop to buy a loaf of bread. As he was leaving she said to him,
""See if they've got any eggs, if they have get a dozen."

He came home with twelve loaves of bread.

Of course. That's what she asked for. Was there going to be a punch line?

[ippy]

The wife of a compuer programmer sent him to the shop to buy a loaf of bread. As he was leaving she said to him,
""See if they've got any eggs, if they have get a dozen."

He came home with twelve loaves of bread.

Nice one, my type of joke, wouldn't life be strange if we all took each other literally for all of the time.

ippy

[Ricky Spanish]

What goes: Oh, oh, oooh?




Santa Walking backward.

[Aruntraveller]

A neutron walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

"How much?" asks the neutron.

"For you no charge"

[Aruntraveller]

Attributed to Sophie Tucker:

Me and my boyfriend Ernie we out in the woods the other night and Ernie said to me "Soph" (He always called me Soph) "Soph he said shore do wish I had a flashlight, these woods are awful dark"...... and I said to him "So do I Ernie.... you been munchin' grass for the last half hour"

[Sebastian Toe]

A giraffe walks into a bar.
 "Sorry", said the barman,
 "...but we don't serve Heineken here."

[jeremyp]

A neutron walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

"How much?" asks the neutron.

"For you no charge"

A proton walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

"Are you sure you're over 18" says the barman.

"Yes, I'm positive."

[bluehillside Retd.]

jeremy,

A proton walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

"Are you sure you're over 18" says the barman.

"Yes, I'm positive."

A photon checks in at the airport.

"Any luggage?" asks the desk attendant.

"No", says the photon...

..."I'm travelling light".

[jeremyp]

A canvasser walks up to a positron and says "please sign this petition calling for more mass".

The positron says "no, I'm anti-matter"

[Sebastian Toe]

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.

The barman asks him, "Olive or twist?"

[Aruntraveller]

This one is especially for NS:


Schroedinger's Smiley

   : ) :

[Sebastian Toe]

A superconductor walks into a bar.
The bartender says "we don't serve superconductors in here."

So the superconductor left without putting up any resistance.