More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.

[Shaker]

Words can't describe how beautiful my wife is.

But numbers can: 0/10.

[Shaker]

My mate told me that somebody in his street has their Christmas decorations up already.

I told him that's nothing: the old lady who lives next door hasn't taken hers down for two years.

[ippy]

My mate told me that somebody in his street has their Christmas decorations up already.

I told him that's nothing: the old lady who lives next door hasn't taken hers down for two years.

Shakes, I note you've been pulling the crackers early.

ippy

[Shaker]

Shakes, I note you've been pulling the crackers early.

ippy

You leave my private life out of it, ippy.

[ippy]

You leave my private life out of it, ippy.

Yes Shakes there's some talk somewhere on the forum about, blind faith.

ippy

[Nearly Sane]

Adults 'Record numbers of teens are depressed, we must find out why'

Teens 'School is more stressful than ever, our parents screwed over the economy, the earth is on a path to total environmental destruction, and now we have to deal with actual fucking Nazis'


Adults 'It's the Iphones, isn't it?'

[Aruntraveller]

Adults 'Record numbers of teens are depressed, we must find out why'

Teens 'School is more stressful than ever, our parents screwed over the economy, the earth is on a path to total environmental destruction, and now we have to deal with actual fucking Nazis'


Adults 'It's the Iphones, isn't it?'

That's not a joke - it's rather sad as it is an accurate observation.

[floo]

That's not a joke - it's rather sad as it is an accurate observation.

I agree.

[bluehillside Retd.]

Quite a nice one from 1940 believe it or not.

So Hitler goes to a fortune teller and asks: "On what day will I die?"

The fortune teller looks into her crystal ball, and says: "I can't tell you a specific date, but I can tell you that it will be a Jewish holiday".

Hitler says: "That's amazing. How can you possibly know that?"

And the fortune teller replies: "Because any day you fucking die will be a Jewish holiday."

[Keith Maitland]

When the Pope phoned the International Space Station, did he incur Rome-ing charges?

[Keith Maitland]

My policeman friend saw a woman driver furiously knitting while waiting for the traffic lights to change.

He yelled at her: 'Pull over!

She shouted back: 'No, it's a cardigan!

[Keith Maitland]

Sending his secretary to Soho to buy him sex toys made Tory Minister Mark Garnier the butt of jokes at the Spectator magazine's Parliamentary Awards bash. Best of the bunch was from editor Fraser Nelson:


'Just for a moment I felt a new buzz about this Government.... Sadly, one of Mark Garnier's vibrators had gone off'

[bluehillside Retd.]

From the day I met her I knew my wife was a keeper...

...she was wearing these massive gloves.

[Shaker]

I've had my vacuum cleaner confiscated by the police on the grounds of safety.

I thought I was fine going up and down the street outside with it, but they said I was Dyson with death.

*

Great news for insomniacs - only three more sleeps until Christmas.

[bluehillside Retd.]

Shakes,

I've had my vacuum cleaner confiscated by the police on the grounds of safety.

I thought I was fine going up and down the street outside with it, but they said I was Dyson with death.

That's a co-incidence - I've just listed my vacuum cleaner on ebay...

...well, it was only gathering dust.

[Sebastian Toe]

Shakes,

That's a co-incidence - I've just listed my vacuum cleaner on ebay...

...well, it was only gathering dust.

That sucks!

[Shaker]

These last few jokes are picking up nicely.

[Keith Maitland]

Another Priti mess you've got us into, Miss Patel.

[SteveH]

Who led the pedants' revolt?

Which Tyler.

[Owlswing]

Three German whores were in an air-raid shelter during an R A F raid on Berlin and, getting bored, one of them asked the other two which man, of all the men in  thge world, they would most like to have sex with.

The first girl said that she would choose Adoof Hitler.

"Why?" asked the girl who had asked the question.

"Because he is the greatest man in the world, what else?1

The second girl said she would like to screw Rommel.

Again the questionerr asked why.

"All that time in the desert surrounded by men, I wouldn't get up for a week or walk normally for a month!"

"Who would you choose?" they asked the first girl.

"Winston Churchill." she said.

When the screams of horror stopped, the second girl pointed out that, quite apart from everything else, he was the enemy.

"Oh I know all that," said the girl, "but I heard his speech on the radio last night, and he said that it would be long, it would be hard and there would be no withdrawal!"

[Shaker]

I was lying in bed with the wife the other day and I said, "Your face reminds me of the lottery."

"Is that because I look like a million pounds?" she said.

"No ... it's because I wish you'd fucking roll over."

[ippy]

Is it true that the Scots invented double glazing, if they did would it be because they wanted something that would make it less likely their children would be able to hear the ice crème van?

ippy

[Shaker]

The ice crème van? Now there's posh.

[wigginhall]

The ice crème van? Now there's posh.

It drives down the street playing Mozart.

[Gordon]

The ice crème van? Now there's posh.

Well, here in civilisation we do have a better class of street vendor you know