More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.

[Shaker]

It's not just ice cream, it's ...

[Sebastian Toe]

Neapolitan Bonaparte, generally regarded as the best?

[ippy]

The ice crème van? Now there's posh.

I will never get spelling, that's all spell checker would come up with, my spell check checker wasn't in at the time, unfortunatly that one wont be the last, still, sai le vee, mangtout!

Ippy

[jeremyp]

It drives down the street playing Mozart.

As opposed to Sunshine of your Love.

[Shaker]

My grandad died at 96 and never saw the inside of a hospital.

Lovely man. Shit eyesight though.

[bluehillside Retd.]

Shakes,

My Grandad still runs ten miles every day...

...He was last seen somewhere near Derby.

[jeremyp]

My Granddad died peacefully in his sleep,

unlike the passengers in his car.

[Nearly Sane]

My local chip shop has been replaced by a Japanese fried eel cafe. O tempura! O morays!

[Owlswing]

My local chip shop has been replaced by a Japanese fried eel cafe. O tempura! O morays!

OUCH!!!!

[Shaker]

My Granddad died peacefully in his sleep,

unlike the passengers in his car.

We call my granddad Spiderman.

Not because he's a superhero, he just can't get out of the bath.

[Keith Maitland]

When a snowman melts, does he become gender-fluid?

[ippy]

Just a bit of family history but it could be taken as a bit amusing, apparently my granddad met Van Gogh in a pub, asked him if he'like a drink and Van Gogh replied to him "no thanks I've got one ear".

Regards to all ippy

[ippy]

Les Dawson: A chap goes to the doctor and asks him for some sleeping tablets for his wife, then the doctor
asked him why he thinks she needs them, the chap answers, she keeps on waking up.

Saw this late at night and it took me some time to stop chuckling before I could get to sleep, there's something about cruelty in humour, well it makes me laugh.

ippy

 

[ippy]

Chap says to his wife put your hat and coat on, his wife says O K where are we going he says we're not, I'm going out and I'm turning the heating off.

ippy

[Walter]

I almost called the Samaritans on Christmas morning then I thought sod 'em, they never call me 

[floo]

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius..  The “Thick As **** Awards”
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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss  USA  contest.
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett,  University  of  Kentucky  basketball forward..
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"Outside of the killings,  Washington  has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry,  Washington  ,  DC  . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

 
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in  Texas  ..
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
--Al Gore, Vice President
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"I love  California  . I practically grew up in  Phoenix  .."
-- Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-- Mark S.. Fowler, FCC Chairman   
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Feeling smarter yet?

[Harrowby Hall]

I found this one on Quora

Donald Trump and Barack Obama ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

[Keith Maitland]

If you think Hawaii's Emergency Management System is bad, you should see their Birth Certificate System.

[Nearly Sane]

Quite enjoyed this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5d8pVg3Qtg

[Walter]

apparently , the biggest cause of cancer is Holby City !

[Walter]

apparently , the biggest cause of cancer is Holby City !

sorry ;        Obesity

[bluehillside Retd.]

So a dung beetle walks into a bar and says, "Is this stool taken?"

[Walter]

today I had all new pads and disks and a new master cylinder  fitted  to my car

BREAKING NEWS           BREAKING NEWS         BREAKING NEWS 

[Owlswing]

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?


Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?


Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?


Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?


Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?


Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?


What is the speed of darkness?


Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?


If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?


Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Did you ever stop and wonder......


Why do toasters always have a setting so high that they could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?


Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?


Why does your Gynaecologist leave the room when girls get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !


If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Stop singing and read on......


Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

[SteveH]

Bloke walks into a pub carrying a grandfather clock. The barman says "Why the long case?".