More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.

[ippy]

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?


Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?


Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?


Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?


Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?


Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?


What is the speed of darkness?


Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?


If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?


Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Did you ever stop and wonder......


Why do toasters always have a setting so high that they could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?


Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?


Why does your Gynaecologist leave the room when girls get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !


If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Stop singing and read on......


Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why don't they call pear halfs ones?

[ippy]

Just come back from Madrid, I saw the Picaso's Guenica it reminded me of some graffiti I saw in the usual place most graffiti is posted; it consisted of a drawing of two cubes with a script underneath that said Bollocks to Picasso, this graffiti has stuck worm like inside my head from some 40 to 50 years back, but it has given me a deeper insight to his works over the years.

Regards ippy.
 

[SteveH]

https://flic.kr/s/aHsmk6C3KX

[Nearly Sane]

A Scottish Guy is suing an American Quiz show. He was denied the $50000 top prize when he was told he had answered the final question incorrectly. He however insists he was correct in his answer. Here is what he was asked:

Question - Where is Santa Fe?

Scottish guy's answer - North Pole

[Nearly Sane]

The greatest one liners? I have to admit that I find one liners in general more interesting than funny. I do have to admit that I have loved the Bob Monkhouse one on the list for a long time.


http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/197QFNnHtPZt8Ht70GDkr4D/are-these-the-greatest-comedy-one-liners-ever-told

[ippy]

The BBC's advertising something to do with The Dr Crippin murders it reminded me of this:

Apparently he was the first criminal to be apprehended with the use of wireless telegraphy, the authorities radioed the ship he had set sail on he was hopping to start a new life with his mistress over there in the New York, in an attempt to put the murders behind him, as he thought.

Anyway the captain was given the request from the telegraph office on board ship with all of the relevant information about Crippen his description etc, the captain then sent his men to search for Dr Crippen they were looking for him all over the ship, couldn't find him until one of these men said let's try and see if he's using one of the heads, the bog in sailonese, anyway there were a lot of these heads on the ship so they were looking for him knocking on each door and asking, is that you Crippen until someone answered no_____ !

Sorry folks but that's it, I know it's a very old joke but I liked it.

Regards to all ippy.   

[Keith Maitland]

Following the collapse of its website under demand from Black Friday bargain-hunters, John Lewis unveils a new Elton John advert mourning the blackout. It features another rewrite of Candle In The Wind:

‘Your bandwidth burned out long before your bargains ever did....’

[Walt Zingmatilder]

Following the collapse of its website under demand from Black Friday bargain-hunters, John Lewis unveils a new Elton John advert mourning the blackout. It features another rewrite of Candle In The Wind:

‘Your bandwidth burned out long before your bargains ever did....’

[jeremyp]

Stolen off Facebook:

Will glass coffins ever be popular?

Remains to be seen.

[Harrowby Hall]

Bilingual one-liner.

When a Frenchman decides to buy a van, is that a fourgon conclusion?

[SteveH]

Bilingual one-liner.

When a Frenchman decides to buy a van, is that a fourgon conclusion?

If it's white, is it a van blanc?

[SteveH]

Football manager to foreign player: "I'm going to pull you off at half-time, if you don't play better!"
Foreign player: "Wow! At home, we only get half an orange!"

[ad_orientem]

Football manager to foreign player: "I'm going to pull you off at half-time, if you don't play better!"
Foreign player: "Wow! At home, we only get half an orange!"

I don't get it.

[Shaker]

Football manager to foreign player: "I'm going to pull you off at half-time, if you don't play better!"
Foreign player: "Wow! At home, we only get half an orange!"

Possibly apocryphal. Rodney Marsh used to tell that one about Alf Ramsey when he played for Fulham.

And this from the bloke who knows precisely nothing about football (but does like a good gag when he hears one. I can't even believe I'm saying this).

[bluehillside Retd.]

Harrowby,

Bilingual one-liner.

When a Frenchman decides to buy a van, is that a fourgon conclusion?

Love in a Transit: coq au vin.

[SteveH]

Harrowby,

Love in a Transit: coq au vin.

When my van broke down, I arranged to take it round to my friend Gloria, who's a mechanic, after the weekend. I wrote on my Calendar "Sick Transit, Gloria, Monday."

[jeremyp]

Possibly apocryphal. Rodney Marsh used to tell that one about Alf Ramsey when he played for Fulham.

And this from the bloke who knows precisely nothing about football (but does like a good gag when he hears one. I can't even believe I'm saying this).

When I heard it, it was about PAul Gascoine after his move to Lazio.

[SteveH]

1st camel: Why have we camels got big, flat feet?
2nd camel: So that we don't sink into the soft desert sand.
Pause.
1st camel: Why have we camels got thick, wrinkly eyelids?
2nd camel: So that we can shut them tight to keep the sand out of our eyes in a desert sandstorm.
Pause.
1st camel: Why have we camels got a big hump on our back?
2nd camel: For storing fat if we have to go days between oases in the desert.
Pause.
1st camel: What the bloody hell are we doing in Whipsnade Zoo, then?

[Walt Zingmatilder]

The man who invented predictive text has died. His Futility is next Weston-Super- Mare.

[bluehillside Retd.]

I went to the wedding of the man who invented DAB radio. The church service was ok, but the reception was terrible.

[Walt Zingmatilder]

I had a take away yesterday........Chicken Tarka.
It's like a chicken tikka but it's a little otter.

[Sebastian Toe]

I had a Pelican curry at the weekend.
It tasted OK but the bill was huge!

[Walt Zingmatilder]

Two dogs and a cat go to heaven and find themselves in front of God sitting on his throne.

God looks at the first dog, a German Shepherd and asks ''what do you you believe?'
The Dog replies 'I believe in being faithful to the Master'' Very good replies God and invites him to sit on his right side.


God then looks at the second dog, a bouncy mongrel and asks ''what do you believe?''

The dog replies ''I believe in wagging my tail for even the lowliest stranger'' Very good replies God and invites him to sit on his left side.


God then addresses the Cat ''And what do you believe?''.


''I believe'' says the cat'' that you are sitting in my chair.''

[Roses]

Two dogs and a cat go to heaven and find themselves in front of God sitting on his throne.

God looks at the first dog, a German Shepherd and asks ''what do you you believe?'
The Dog replies 'I believe in being faithful to the Master'' Very good replies God and invites him to sit on his right side.


God then looks at the second dog, a bouncy mongrel and asks ''what do you believe?''

The dog replies ''I believe in wagging my tail for even the lowliest stranger'' Very good replies God and invites him to sit on his left side.


God then addresses the Cat ''And what do you believe?''.


''I believe'' says the cat'' that you are sitting in my chair.''

Nice one!

[jeremyp]

Two dogs and a cat go to heaven and find themselves in front of God sitting on his throne.

God looks at the first dog, a German Shepherd and asks ''what do you you believe?'
The Dog replies 'I believe in being faithful to the Master'' Very good replies God and invites him to sit on his right side.


God then looks at the second dog, a bouncy mongrel and asks ''what do you believe?''

The dog replies ''I believe in wagging my tail for even the lowliest stranger'' Very good replies God and invites him to sit on his left side.


God then addresses the Cat ''And what do you believe?''.


''I believe'' says the cat'' that you are sitting in my chair.''

I'm stealing that.