More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.

[Roses]

I'm stealing that.

I stole it first.

[ekim]

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.
"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "so perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

[Roses]

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.
"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "so perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

Good one!

[Walt Zingmatilder]

Richard Dawkins is being chased through the woods by a pack of hungry bears.
Not wishing to compromise his non belief he thinks up a wizard plan.
''Almighty God,'' shouts Dawkins ''I cannot convert but you could turn these bears into Christians.''
God grants Dawkins his wish but rather than let Dawkins go one of the bears pins the Good Doctor to the floor with his foot, puts his front paws together, closes his eyes and says...……..''For what we are about to receive may the Lord make us truly thankful.''

[bluehillside Retd.]

Earlier in a charity shop I bought a Jehova's Witness advent calendar. When I got it home though every little door I opened just said F*** OFF!

[ippy]

Nothing rhymes with oranges, "No it doesn't".

[Roses]

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve, it was an Apple, but with a limited memory, one byte and it crashed.

[Samuel]

Do you remember when plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject? mention botox now and nobody raises an eyebrow

[Roses]

Do you remember when plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject? mention botox now and nobody raises an eyebrow

HA!HA! I think people who inflict botox on themselves are crazy, they often look worse than before they did so.

[Sebastian Toe]

HA!HA! I think people who inflict botox on themselves are crazy, they often look worse than before they did so.

Botox, in the beauty industry,is never frowned on!

[bluehillside Retd.]

I've just come back from a barging holiday.

I didn't have a boat or anything, I just like shoving people in canals...

(Gary Delaney)

[SteveH]

Some rude jokes about nuns. DO NOT READ ON IF YOU'RE LIKELY TO BE OFFENDED! (The first has had me laughing intermittently for 48 hours.)























OK, you've been warned.

Two nuns go shopping. When they get back to the car park, they see the devil jumping up and down on their car. "What shall we do?" says the first nun. "Show him your cross", says the second nun, so the first nun shouts "GET OFF OUR FUCKING CAR, YOU STUPID BASTARD!".

Two nuns are sharing a bath. The first says "Where's the soap?". The second replies "Yes, it does, doesn't it?".

Two nuns are cycling back to the convent. One says "I don't think I've ever come this way before." The second replies "It's the cobblestones."

Notice in convent dormitory: "LIGHTS OUT 10:00. CANDLES OUT 10:30."

[Walter]

I was accepted into  the British Olympic Gymnastics Team today . Had to bend over backwards to get in though !

[Walter]

some Muslims in town have just opened a new café ,

It's called the ALLAHU SNACKBAR

[Walter]

Jo Brand should be investigated.....



under the crimes against comedy act !

[Spud]

Geordie patient: It's me armpits, doctor - they smell of coconuts!

Geordie doctor: Well they're bounty.

[SteveH]

What's the fastest food in the world?
Scone!
(You have to say it with the short-o pronunciation.)

[Walter]

What's the fastest food in the world?
Scone!
(You have to say it with the short-o pronunciation.)

and pretend you're 5 and never heard it before 

[jeremyp]

What's the fastest food in the world?
Scone!
(You have to say it with the short-o pronunciation.)

What's the most annoying food in the World if you are travelling down the motorway.

The answer is the same but you have to use the other pronunciation.

[Walter]

I used to be a male trapped inside a woman's body ;

then I was born 

[Sebastian Toe]

I went to the new local grocery store yesterday.
There was a sign on the door "No food or drink inside".
So I returned home.

[SteveH]

Andy Murray has won the Queen's doubles competition. The others must have been really rubbish - he doesn't look anything like her.

[Spud]

I BEFORE E
EXCEPT AFTER C
DISPROVED BY SCIENCE.

[Nearly Sane]

I BEFORE E
EXCEPT AFTER C
DISPROVED BY SCIENCE.

it doesn't. Weird does.

[jeremyp]

I BEFORE E
EXCEPT AFTER C
DISPROVED BY SCIENCE.

Proved by sceince, you mean.