Author Topic: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny. (Read 158897 times)

Walter · « **Reply #450 on:** November 23, 2019, 10:07:16 PM »

It's Mental Health Awareness Week !
Apparently 150 men kneeling down with their faces pressed into a carpet chanting things in a strange language and all pointing in the same direction DOES NOT signify mental health issues !

That's what the two policemen have just told me , anyway !!!!!

😤

Walter · « **Reply #451 on:** November 23, 2019, 10:08:52 PM »

Is it "ask"
or
"arks" ?
It's "arks" and dats da troof !!!

Walter · « **Reply #452 on:** November 23, 2019, 10:09:45 PM »

That's all folks (for now) 😎

Robbie · « **Reply #453 on:** November 24, 2019, 12:00:37 AM »

It's 'arx' ackshuly.

Walter · « **Reply #454 on:** November 24, 2019, 08:43:05 AM »

Quote from: Robbie on November 24, 2019, 12:00:37 AM

It's 'arx' ackshuly.

I stand corrected
As the man said in his surgical boots 😬

ippy · « **Reply #455 on:** November 24, 2019, 11:11:03 AM »

Including my own post, it looks like quite a few of us have been anticipating the contents of our christmas crackers, love it!!

Happy christmas to all of you, ippy.

Walter · « **Reply #456 on:** December 02, 2019, 07:39:22 PM »

So I've just download the Screwfix app
I was very disappointed, it's got nothing to do with dating 😤

ippy · « **Reply #457 on:** December 12, 2019, 07:38:29 PM »

This Yorkshire chap had just lost his dog, and wanted a small statue made of his old dog ,he went into a local Yorkshire jewellers to order and have it made. The jeweller asked "d'you want eighteen carat", and the owner said "nout just want sommit like it chewing a bone".

Walter · « **Reply #458 on:** December 12, 2019, 08:59:18 PM »

Yorkshire lad is asking the vet for advice about his cat ;
Vet: is it a tom ?
Lad: no, I brought it wi me !

😂

SteveH · « **Reply #459 on:** December 12, 2019, 10:34:50 PM »

A friend of mine is addicted to brake fluid, but he reckons he can stop any time he likes.

ippy · « **Reply #460 on:** December 13, 2019, 03:05:01 AM »

quote author=Walter link=topic=12206.msg783831#msg783831 date=1576184358]
Yorkshire lad is asking the vet for advice about his cat ;
Vet: is it a tom ?
Lad: no, I brought it wi me !

[/quote]

I didn't think it could get any worse:

Regards, ippy.

Walter · « **Reply #461 on:** December 13, 2019, 11:42:33 PM »

Quote from: ippy on December 13, 2019, 03:05:01 AM

quote author=Walter link=topic=12206.msg783831#msg783831 date=1576184358]
Yorkshire lad is asking the vet for advice about his cat ;
Vet: is it a tom ?
Lad: no, I brought it wi me !

I didn't think it could get any worse:

Regards, ippy.

give it time ippy 👍

Walter · « **Reply #462 on:** December 14, 2019, 03:59:17 PM »

Just ordered a big box of mince pies for my ex from an on-line supplier

FatPig.com

😋

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #463 on:** December 14, 2019, 07:18:05 PM »

Indeed

https://rochdaleherald.co.uk/2018/09/15/31834/?fbclid=IwAR3lOYnm__3sYExaguPl5LLgzGB2r15tGq-P_clz2tw2ArkeYRqb-vuWeAo

Walter · « **Reply #464 on:** December 14, 2019, 08:16:19 PM »

Quote from: Nearly Sane on December 14, 2019, 07:18:05 PM

Indeed

https://rochdaleherald.co.uk/2018/09/15/31834/?fbclid=IwAR3lOYnm__3sYExaguPl5LLgzGB2r15tGq-P_clz2tw2ArkeYRqb-vuWeAo

last Christmas I bought a vegan friend a thick one -a-day hardback recipe book to help with food planning . He couldn't pick it up !

Walter · « **Reply #465 on:** December 14, 2019, 08:18:36 PM »

To be fair, that's a lie . I haven't got any friends 😤

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #466 on:** December 18, 2019, 05:53:13 PM »

Boris's political advisor is so busy promoting the FascistUK brand he doesn't know if he is Cumming or Goering.

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #467 on:** December 18, 2019, 09:38:02 PM »

My child doesn't want to eat meat. What can I replace it with?

A dog. Every dog wants to eat meat.

Walter · « **Reply #468 on:** December 18, 2019, 11:01:48 PM »

Quote from: Trentvoyager on December 18, 2019, 09:38:02 PM

My child doesn't want to eat meat. What can I replace it with?

A dog. Every dog wants to eat meat.

trent
8/10
I hope you wrote it though ?

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #469 on:** December 19, 2019, 08:38:36 AM »

Quote from: Walter on December 18, 2019, 11:01:48 PM

trent
8/10
I hope you wrote it though ?

No - sadly not.

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #470 on:** December 19, 2019, 08:47:51 AM »

Here's one I did think up when I couldn't sleep last night.

The speaker of the house has had to change what he says when a vote is passed by the commons.

"The lies have it, the lies have it"

SteveH · « **Reply #471 on:** December 19, 2019, 09:08:51 AM »

What's the difference beween a JCB and a giraffe?
One has hydraulics, the other has high bollocks.

Walter · « **Reply #472 on:** December 19, 2019, 02:21:24 PM »

Quote from: Trentvoyager on December 19, 2019, 08:38:36 AM

No - sadly not.

AWW C'MOM Trent !

jeremyp · « **Reply #473 on:** December 19, 2019, 03:45:50 PM »

Here's one Mark Kermode told (he's a double bass player, just to be clear).

The band is having a practice session and they break for lunch. The vocalist, keyboard player and lead guitarist go out for lunch. When they get back, they find the bass player beating the crap out of the drummer. "What are you doing?" says the guitarist.

"The drummer put one of my strings out of tune", says the bass player who then beats on the drummer some more.

"That's no reason to beat him up", says the guitarist.

"Yes, but he won't tell me which one."

Walter · « **Reply #474 on:** December 21, 2019, 07:15:04 PM »

So I'm watching The Shadows on an old BBC Recording and noticed the one on the right looks to be rather hungry 😝

News:

Author Topic: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny. (Read 158897 times)