Author Topic: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny. (Read 158926 times)

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #550 on:** March 10, 2020, 09:04:47 PM »

I'm not fucking stupid.

I mean, I used to. We broke up.

Robbie · « **Reply #551 on:** March 10, 2020, 10:54:28 PM »

SteveH · « **Reply #552 on:** March 11, 2020, 10:57:40 PM »

A man in Hemel Hempstead has died due to the corona virus. In his house they found 500 cans of assorted food, 100kg of pasta, 75kg of rice, 200 toilet rolls and 30L of hand sanitiser which he had panic bought from Aldi “just in case!”

The whole lot collapsed and buried the daft bastard!

Roses · « **Reply #553 on:** March 12, 2020, 08:58:01 AM »

Quote from: Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz on March 11, 2020, 10:57:40 PM

A man in Hemel Hempstead has died due to the corona virus. In his house they found 500 cans of assorted food, 100kg of pasta, 75kg of rice, 200 toilet rolls and 30L of hand sanitiser which he had panic bought from Aldi “just in case!”

The whole lot collapsed and buried the daft bastard!

NOT FUNNY!

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #554 on:** March 13, 2020, 04:37:41 PM »

The World Health Organisation has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid 19. All dogs held in quarantine can be released.

To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

Walter · « **Reply #555 on:** March 13, 2020, 05:53:43 PM »

Quote from: Trentvoyager on March 13, 2020, 04:37:41 PM

The World Health Organisation has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid 19. All dogs held in quarantine can be released.

To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

Trent , I hope you made that up ? 😂

jeremyp · « **Reply #556 on:** March 13, 2020, 06:03:48 PM »

Quote from: Trentvoyager on March 13, 2020, 04:37:41 PM

The World Health Organisation has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid 19. All dogs held in quarantine can be released.

To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

That’s the dogs bollocks.

Gordon · « **Reply #557 on:** March 14, 2020, 08:57:04 AM »

Man takes his pet duck to the vets only to be told by the vet that his pet duck is dead.

"I want a second opinion" says the man, so the vet ushers in a Labrador dog who sniffs the duck and then shakes its head, and the vet says "there you go, the duck is dead" But the man wants another opinion so the vet fetches his Siamese cat who, like the dog, sniffs the duck and shakes his head - after which the man concedes that the duck is dead and asks for the bill.

The vet hands him a bill for £1,200 and man main exclaims that this is a ridiculous amount. The vet replies "It would have been £50 if you accepted my initial opinion that the duck was dead, but since then you've had a Lab-test and a CAT-scan".

bluehillside Retd. · « **Reply #558 on:** March 14, 2020, 01:14:08 PM »

The World Health Organisation just announced that dogs can't catch Coronavirus after all, so any held in quarantine can be released...

...yep, WHO let the dogs out.

I'll get me jacket.

Roses · « **Reply #559 on:** March 14, 2020, 03:26:18 PM »

A woman has done her Christmas shopping already, she is now wrapping up the toilet rolls she will be giving as presents this year.

jeremyp · « **Reply #560 on:** March 15, 2020, 10:43:52 AM »

Quote from: bluehillside Retd. on March 14, 2020, 01:14:08 PM

The World Health Organisation just announced that dogs can't catch Coronavirus after all, so any held in quarantine can be released...

...yep, WHO let the dogs out.

I'll get me jacket.

I think Trent might have taken your jacket by mistake.

Quote from: Trentvoyager on March 13, 2020, 04:37:41 PM

The World Health Organisation has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid 19. All dogs held in quarantine can be released.

To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

bluehillside Retd. · « **Reply #561 on:** March 15, 2020, 11:36:19 AM »

jeremy,

Quote

I think Trent might have taken your jacket by mistake.

Dammit! ; - )

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #562 on:** March 18, 2020, 06:23:30 PM »

A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me shouting “The end of the world is nigh!!”

I think it was Farmer Geddon.

(From elsewhere, I posted it mainly because it reminded me of a poster from the past)

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #563 on:** March 18, 2020, 06:46:43 PM »

Quote from: Trentvoyager on March 18, 2020, 06:23:30 PM

A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me shouting “The end of the world is nigh!!”

I think it was Farmer Geddon.

(From elsewhere, I posted it mainly because it reminded me of a poster from the past)

Now his take on this would be 'interesting'

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #564 on:** March 21, 2020, 02:52:39 PM »

'I'm giving up drinking for a month.

Sorry, bad punctuation.

I'm giving up. Drinking for a month. '

Walter · « **Reply #565 on:** March 21, 2020, 04:36:12 PM »

Quote from: Nearly Sane on March 21, 2020, 02:52:39 PM

'I'm giving up drinking for a month.

Sorry, bad punctuation.

I'm giving up. Drinking for a month. '

not bad 👍

Hope it was one of your own ?

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #566 on:** March 21, 2020, 04:47:21 PM »

Quote from: Walter on March 21, 2020, 04:36:12 PM

not bad 👍

Hope it was one of your own ?

Nah, hence the quote marks.

Robbie · « **Reply #567 on:** March 21, 2020, 06:49:12 PM »

Quote from: Littleroses on March 14, 2020, 03:26:18 PM

A woman has done her Christmas shopping already, she is now wrapping up the toilet rolls she will be giving as presents this year.

Coincidentally I saw some with Christmas designs for sale online the other day. Imagine you were down to your last toilet roll, none in the shops and all you had were Christmassy ones you were saving for December, what would you do?

Sorry forgot this was the joke thread and that;s not a joke.

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #568 on:** March 26, 2020, 09:00:13 AM »

My partner just asked an elderly neighbour if they wanted anything from the shops. They asked for the Daily Mail.

These are truly testing times.

Roses · « **Reply #569 on:** March 26, 2020, 09:06:40 AM »

Quote from: Trentvoyager on March 26, 2020, 09:00:13 AM

My partner just asked an elderly neighbour if they wanted anything from the shops. They asked for the Daily Mail.

These are truly testing times.

Too right, I feel polluted touching any tabloid comic, the thought makes me shudder.

ekim · « **Reply #570 on:** March 26, 2020, 09:09:25 AM »

Quote from: Trentvoyager on March 26, 2020, 09:00:13 AM

My partner just asked an elderly neighbour if they wanted anything from the shops. They asked for the Daily Mail.

These are truly testing times.

Perhaps he had run out of toilet paper.

SteveH · « **Reply #571 on:** March 26, 2020, 11:42:59 AM »

Quote from: Trentvoyager on March 26, 2020, 09:00:13 AM

My partner just asked an elderly neighbour if they wanted anything from the shops. They asked for the Daily Mail.

These are truly testing times.

Probably run out of bog-rolls.
Damn - beaten to it by Ekim!

SteveH · « **Reply #572 on:** March 26, 2020, 11:53:26 AM »

The police now have powers to split up groups. How about starting with U2 and Coldplay?

jeremyp · « **Reply #573 on:** March 26, 2020, 08:12:37 PM »

Quote from: Hercules Grytpype-Thynne on March 26, 2020, 11:53:26 AM

The police now have powers to split up groups. How about starting with U2 and Coldplay?

James Blunt tweeted

Quote

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

Roses · « **Reply #574 on:** March 27, 2020, 03:32:11 PM »

My sister has just sent me this joke, which I think is hilarious.

The pilot says the passengers have to jump out of the aircraft because it's going down but he'll keep it going until they are all out. The passengers find that there are only four parachutes for five people - who does not get one?
Donald Trump says: I'm the smartest man in the world, so I must have one. He grabs a parachute puts it on and jumps out;
Bo Jo says: I'm the man to save Britain, so I must have one. He dons a 'chute and bails out;
The Pope says: I must save the universal church. He puts a 'chute on and jumps;
That just leaves Angela Merkel and the school boy. She says to the school boy, "I've had my life you take the parachute you still have years left to live". The school boy says: "Don't worry Mrs Merkel there are two parachutes left. The '"Smartest man in the world'" didn't take a parachute ... he took my school bag!"

News:

Author Topic: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny. (Read 158926 times)