Author Topic: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny. (Read 158982 times)

ippy · « **Reply #600 on:** April 18, 2020, 11:37:55 AM »

When signing for the deaf try placing the palm of the right hand onto R/H top front of your head and then pointing the fingers to the left wave them up and down in unison a couple of times, this is the correct deaf signing move for 'Trump'.

ippy.

jeremyp · « **Reply #601 on:** April 18, 2020, 11:44:03 AM »

Quote from: ippy on April 18, 2020, 11:37:55 AM

When signing for the deaf try placing the palm of the right hand onto R/H top front of your head and then pointing the fingers to the left wave them up and down in unison a couple of times, this is the correct deaf signing move for 'Trump'.

ippy.

I couldn't find the British Sign language gesture for Trump, but that really is the sign in American Sign Language.

ippy · « **Reply #602 on:** April 18, 2020, 11:51:41 AM »

Quote from: jeremyp on April 18, 2020, 11:44:03 AM

I couldn't find the British Sign language gesture for Trump, but that really is the sign in American Sign Language.

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #603 on:** April 19, 2020, 09:47:29 AM »

Three people walk into a bar....

Ah, those were the days!!!!

Gordon · « **Reply #604 on:** April 19, 2020, 09:51:50 AM »

This is truly awful;

Q. How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. 100 - 1 to change the light bulb and 99 to sing about how good the old light bulb was.

(Don't blame me - blame my 13 year-old grand-daughter).

Roses · « **Reply #605 on:** April 19, 2020, 11:59:42 AM »

Quote from: Gordon on April 19, 2020, 09:51:50 AM

This is truly awful;

Q. How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. 100 - 1 to change the light bulb and 99 to sing about how good the old light bulb was.

(Don't blame me - blame my 13 year-old grand-daughter).

Of course you are to blame she has your genes!

jeremyp · « **Reply #606 on:** April 19, 2020, 12:49:54 PM »

Quote from: Littleroses on April 19, 2020, 11:59:42 AM

Of course you are to blame she has your genes!

Only about a quarter of them. In the original joke, there were 400 folk singers.

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #607 on:** April 20, 2020, 11:25:54 AM »

Q. How many pedants does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. I think you'll find that the correct term is "replace"

ippy · « **Reply #608 on:** April 22, 2020, 02:37:44 PM »

Quote from: Gordon on April 19, 2020, 09:51:50 AM

This is truly awful;

Q. How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Reminded me of playing Country and Western records in reverse brings your old dog back to life and you become reunited with old friends your divorced wife comes back home etc etc so & so on. Something like that it's all I can remember of that one.

ippy

A. 100 - 1 to change the light bulb and 99 to sing about how good the old light bulb was.

(Don't blame me - blame my 13 year-old grand-daughter).

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #609 on:** April 22, 2020, 05:16:23 PM »

The Devon and Cornwall Music Festival has been cancelled.

They couldn't decide who to put on first, The Jam or Cream.

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #610 on:** April 22, 2020, 07:26:56 PM »

'My university professor has accused me of plagiarism' said Wendy Arnold. 'His words, not mine.'

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #611 on:** April 22, 2020, 10:17:15 PM »

For God's sake open the pubs before we all become alcoholics.

SteveH · « **Reply #612 on:** April 22, 2020, 10:30:46 PM »

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a pub. You can't tell me that's a coincidence.

What borders on stupidity? Mexico and Canada.

SteveH · « **Reply #613 on:** April 22, 2020, 11:36:56 PM »

Where does kylie minogue get her kebabs from ?

Jason’s donner van

On a pedantic note, re. the thread title: the only purpose of a joke is to be funny, so if it is, it can't be bad, surely.

SteveH · « **Reply #614 on:** April 22, 2020, 11:48:44 PM »

I hope this lockdown ends soon. I've been not working for so long I'm starting to get a Scouse accent!

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #615 on:** April 23, 2020, 07:54:08 AM »

I've written a book on penguins

In hindsight, paper might have been better

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #616 on:** April 23, 2020, 08:05:19 AM »

For those who have lost track, today is Blursday the fortyteenth of Maprilay

SteveH · « **Reply #617 on:** April 23, 2020, 08:15:23 AM »

Today is muggy. Tomorrow will be choogy, followed by weggy, thuggy, friggy...

Roses · « **Reply #618 on:** April 23, 2020, 11:30:08 AM »

My eldest sent me this poem by Pam Ayres, which is quite amusing.

I'm normally a social girl
I love to meet my mates
But lately with the virus here
We can't go out the gates.

You see, we are the 'oldies' now
We need to stay inside
If they haven't seen us for a while
They'll think we've upped and died.

They'll never know the things we did
Before we got this old
There wasn't any Facebook
So not everything was told.

We may seem sweet old ladies
Who would never be uncouth
But we grew up in the 60’s -
If you only knew the truth!

There was sex, drugs and rock 'n roll
The pill and miniskirts
We smoked, we drank, we partied
And were quite outrageous flirts.

Then we settled down, got married
And turned into someone's mum,
Somebody's wife, then nana,
Who on earth did we become?

We didn't mind the change of pace
Because our lives were full
But to bury us before we're dead
Is like a red rag to a bull!

So here you find me stuck inside
For 4 weeks, maybe more
I finally found myself again
Then I had to close the door!

It didn’t really bother me
I'd while away the hour
I'd bake for all the family
But I've got no flaming flour!

Now Netflix is just wonderful
I like a gutsy thriller
I'm swooning over Idris
Or some random sexy killer.

At least I've got a stash of booze
For when I'm being idle
There's wine and whiskey, even gin
If I'm feeling suicidal!

So let's all drink to lockdown
To recovery and health
And hope this awful virus
Doesn't decimate our wealth.

We'll all get through the crisis
And be back to join our mates
Just hoping I'm not far too wide
To fit through the flaming gates!

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #619 on:** April 23, 2020, 05:50:02 PM »

Pam Ayers is great.

I worry that I will end up at the back of the drinks cabinet drinking green

https://youtu.be/xIMPbPDwj_g

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #620 on:** April 23, 2020, 06:42:39 PM »

Quote from: Littleroses on April 23, 2020, 11:30:08 AM

My eldest sent me this poem by Pam Ayres, which is quite amusing.

I'm normally a social girl
I love to meet my mates
But lately with the virus here
We can't go out the gates.

You see, we are the 'oldies' now
We need to stay inside
If they haven't seen us for a while
They'll think we've upped and died.

They'll never know the things we did
Before we got this old
There wasn't any Facebook
So not everything was told.

We may seem sweet old ladies
Who would never be uncouth
But we grew up in the 60’s -
If you only knew the truth!

There was sex, drugs and rock 'n roll
The pill and miniskirts
We smoked, we drank, we partied
And were quite outrageous flirts.

Then we settled down, got married
And turned into someone's mum,
Somebody's wife, then nana,
Who on earth did we become?

We didn't mind the change of pace
Because our lives were full
But to bury us before we're dead
Is like a red rag to a bull!

So here you find me stuck inside
For 4 weeks, maybe more
I finally found myself again
Then I had to close the door!

It didn’t really bother me
I'd while away the hour
I'd bake for all the family
But I've got no flaming flour!

Now Netflix is just wonderful
I like a gutsy thriller
I'm swooning over Idris
Or some random sexy killer.

At least I've got a stash of booze
For when I'm being idle
There's wine and whiskey, even gin
If I'm feeling suicidal!

So let's all drink to lockdown
To recovery and health
And hope this awful virus
Doesn't decimate our wealth.

We'll all get through the crisis
And be back to join our mates
Just hoping I'm not far too wide
To fit through the flaming gates!

Apparently not the great Pam but by Jan Beaumont

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #621 on:** April 24, 2020, 08:57:37 AM »

A lorry carrying snooker equipment has crashed on the M25.

The driver is under a rest and the cues go back for miles.

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #622 on:** April 24, 2020, 09:29:24 AM »

Quarantine survival tip #463: empty your glass bottles into the recycling bin at 8pm on a Thursday so the sound of the clapping for the NHS drowns onto your household's slow descent into alcoholism

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #623 on:** April 24, 2020, 05:31:13 PM »

The Democrats are now trying to imbleach Trump

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #624 on:** April 25, 2020, 10:57:37 AM »

"I said to my wife, "I saw a woman with her boobs out on the bus feeding her son." She said, "It's natural." I replied, "She was giving him crisps."

News:

Author Topic: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny. (Read 158982 times)