More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.

[SteveH]

I've just watched a TV programme about tomato growing. It was on one of the ketchup channels.

[Robbie]

  That put smile on my face this sunny morning as I sit drinking dubious coffee brewed by the old man, something 'exotic' he bought in town day before lockdown (I wonder if it is laced with disinfectant?).

If there is a baby boom as a result of 'staying indoors', in 2033 will we witness the emergence of the quaranteens?

[SteveH]

 

[Nearly Sane]

My dog only responds to commands in Spanish. He's Es-paniol.

[ad_orientem]

Social distancing for Finns is quite easy, we did it before coronavirus. We like to be away from people at our summer cabins. At least two metres apart at the bus stop? We do that anyway. Neither are we too much into smalltalk. Anyway...

Two Finnish men, old army buddies, haven't seen each other for a few years and they decide to meet up for a pint. As they sit down with their drinks one of them asks "How's things been these past few years?" The other replies "Are we here to talk or to drink?"

[Nearly Sane]

I hear Dolly Parton has a new version of an old song


Chlorine, Chlorine, Chlorine, Chlorine
Please Don't Drink it Just Because You Can

[Aruntraveller]

Sex with three people is called a threesome, sex with two couples is called a twosome.

Now I know why they call me handsome.

[Aruntraveller]

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.  The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger." 

[Aruntraveller]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.  Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

[Aruntraveller]

 A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  "But why?", they asked, as they moved off.  "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

[Aruntraveller]

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.  One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan."  Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.  Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.  Her husband responds, "They're twins!  If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

[Enki]

It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses.

A local Bra manufacturer has gone bust, a Submarine company has gone under, a manufacturer of Food Blenders has gone into liquidation, a Dog Kennel has had to call in the retrievers and a company supplying Paper for Origami Enthusiasts has just folded. Local strip club has gone tits up, Interflora is pruning its business and Dynorod has gone down the drain.

The saddest one though is the Ice Cream van man found dead covered in nuts and raspberry sauce. He couldn't take it any more... topped himself.

[Nearly Sane]

So bad it's good, enki.

[Nearly Sane]

It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses.

A local Bra manufacturer has gone bust, a Submarine company has gone under, a manufacturer of Food Blenders has gone into liquidation, a Dog Kennel has had to call in the retrievers and a company supplying Paper for Origami Enthusiasts has just folded. Local strip club has gone tits up, Interflora is pruning its business and Dynorod has gone down the drain.

The saddest one though is the Ice Cream van man found dead covered in nuts and raspberry sauce. He couldn't take it any more... topped himself.

The jigsaw manufacturer has closed, the staff are in pieces.

[Nearly Sane]

The fishmongers have scaled right back

[Nearly Sane]

The cereal makers have been killed, and the barbers have cut right back.

[Sebastian Toe]

The joiners are screwed.

The bankers are safe though.

[Sebastian Toe]

Due to high online sales, the cosmetics manufactures are made  up.

[Enki]

The archery manufacturers have shot their bolt and missed their target!

[bluehillside Retd.]

I hear the belt makers have buckled, the flying schools have nosedived, the fruit farms have gone pear-shaped, the glue makers are insolvent, the horologists have been wound up, and even the vasectomy doctors have dropped the ball…

...worrying times!   

[Nearly Sane]

Pantomime producers have put it all behind them






.... oh no they haven't

[Enki]

And the toilet seat makers are in the shit..

[Aruntraveller]

Finally justice has been served.
So there has been this thug called Cal going around breaking into people’s houses near me for months, but the police couldn’t catch him. The weirdest thing about it all he was breaking into people’s house’s just to ruin their washing machines by putting bricks into them and turning them on, very strange if you ask me. Anyway, I’ve just read he’s died. It’s never nice hearing of people’s deaths, but look on the bright side...
.
.
.
.
Washing machines live longer with Cal gone.

[Gordon]

Another from my grand-daughter, and as awful as her previous efforts.

Q. How do you tell the sex of an ant?

A. Drop it is a glass of water - if it sinks it is a girl-ant, but if it floats it is a boy-ant.

[Aruntraveller]

A little late but:

Congratulations to Boris Johnson on the birth of his sixth child. Of course, that's only counting those born in hospital. The real figure could be much higher.