More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.

[ippy]

How many surrealist artists does it take to change a light bulb?

Ear.

[Robbie]

Two.

One to hold the protractor
The other a bicycle.

[ippy]

Two.

One to hold the protractor
The other a bicycle.

I have a mug with a picture of a molten motorcycle and a caption that says Dali Havidson, not much of a bike but they sure as hell sound gooood!

Regards, ippy.

[Aruntraveller]

There's only two reasons you hate gay marriage:

1) You're dumb.

2) You're secretly worried that dicks are delicious.

[Nearly Sane]

Moderator some posts have been removed as they were a derail

[Walt Zingmatilder]

There are reports from France of an explosion in a cheese factory.

All that's left is de brie.

[Sebastian Toe]

There are reports from France of an explosion in a cheese factory.

All that's left is de brie.

Paris Stilton tells that one often.

[Nearly Sane]

'To err is human, to "er, ah, er, uh, um, er" is Boris Johnson.'

[Roses]

'To err is human, to "er, ah, er, uh, um, er" is Boris Johnson.'

 

[Walt Zingmatilder]

Paris Stilton tells that one often.

Stop it. I camembear any more cheese jokes.

[Nearly Sane]

'What’s the difference between kilometre long queues at IKEA stores and kilometre long queues at the House of Commons? At IKEA you at least get a decent cabinet at the end of it!'

[Nearly Sane]

'Man gets run over by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry.


Policeman informs family "There's no easy way to say this"...'

[Nearly Sane]

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant, "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!"

[Walt Zingmatilder]

How do you talk to a giant?

Use big words.

[Nearly Sane]

A Farmer from Dorset sees someone drinking from stream on his land and says 'Wozzun! E dun wanna be drinking dat! It's fullov 'orse an cow shit'

The man says 'I just popped down from London to self isolate. This is my second home. Can you speak a bit slower?'

The farmer replies 'If - you - use - two - hands - you - won't - spill - any'

[Owlswing]

A Farmer from Dorset sees someone drinking from stream on his land and says 'Wozzun! E dun wanna be drinking dat! It's fullov 'orse an cow shit'

The man says 'I just popped down from London to self isolate. This is my second home. Can you speak a bit slower?'

The farmer replies 'If - you - use - two - hands - you - won't - spill - any'

I remember a similar story, but between an Aussie or a Pom (the Londoner) and an Aborigine (the Farmer) but kangaroo and cow crap..

[Nearly Sane]

'My wife asked me 'have you seen the fish bowl?' 'No' I said '& I haven't seen the dogs play darts either''

[Udayana]

'My wife asked me 'have you seen the fish bowl?' 'No' I said '& I haven't seen the dogs play darts either''

I hope that was supposed to be a joke!

[Aruntraveller]

Had  a painter and decorator around. He was a furloughed Virgin Atlantic pilot.

Made a lovely job of the landing.....

[Sebastian Toe]

Had  a painter and decorator around. He was a furloughed Virgin Atlantic pilot.

Made a lovely job of the landing.....

Did he take off the old wallpaper first?

[Nearly Sane]

Very funny, particularly for all of us who have dealt with possessed printers, and they all are. Some swearing

https://m.youtube.com/watch?fbclid=IwAR3onhrdnv9xygZpCpEeJRysf3uueaLJ1goukZ16l65noDl53qh06arrx2k&v=CSK1D3bZhRs&feature=youtu.be

[Aruntraveller]

I'm trying hard to give up sexual innuendos.

But it's hard. So hard.

[bluehillside Retd.]

Bad news folks - my parrot died yesterday. On the bright side though...

...it's a weight off my shoulder.

Apologies for not being around for a bit by the way - some personal issues to deal with, but all good now. I'm aware I owe some replies, and will try at least to track down the relevant posts.   

[Nearly Sane]

'I hear there is going to be a clap out for Vera Lynn. Sadly don't know where, don't know when'

[SteveH]

Dead Man Blues

Well, I didn't wake up this mornin'...