Author Topic: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny. (Read 159056 times)

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #675 on:** June 21, 2020, 05:03:32 PM »

I've taken up quiet tennis. It's the same as regular tennis but without the racquet.

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #676 on:** June 22, 2020, 09:57:10 PM »

I might open a shop called "Pi". I don't know what it would sell but it would be open 22/7.

bluehillside Retd. · « **Reply #677 on:** June 22, 2020, 10:07:45 PM »

I was in a restaurant a while back and said to the waitress, “can I ask you a question about the menu please?”

She got really angry, threw a glass of water at me and shouted “the men I please are nothing to do with you”…

… all my fault I suppose

Gordon · « **Reply #678 on:** June 24, 2020, 09:47:03 PM »

Moderator:

Several off-topic posts have been removed.

SteveH · « **Reply #679 on:** June 24, 2020, 10:17:44 PM »

My mate and I once got caught climbing over the fence at Glastonbury. They made us go back in and watch the rest of Coldplay.

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #680 on:** June 24, 2020, 10:24:06 PM »

Quote from: Constable Dogberry on June 24, 2020, 10:17:44 PM

My mate and I once got caught climbing over the fence at Glastonbury. They made us go back in and watch the rest of Coldplay.

Could have been worse, could have been The Lighthouse Family

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #681 on:** July 01, 2020, 04:23:04 PM »

STD 2020 - Don't let the infection spread.

Stop The Donald.

Walt Zingmatilder · « **Reply #682 on:** July 01, 2020, 04:25:16 PM »

Quote from: Nearly Sane on June 24, 2020, 10:24:06 PM

Could have been worse, could have been The Lighthouse Family

Apparently the toilet arrangements at Glastonbury are to be improved by the appearence of the Shitehouse family.

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #683 on:** July 02, 2020, 12:17:52 PM »

My Dad worked on repairing roads. One day I was told he was stealing from work.

I didn't want to believe it but when I got home all the signs were there.

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #684 on:** July 03, 2020, 05:02:28 PM »

A virologist, an epidemiologist and a scientist walked into a bar.

Of course they didn't.

bluehillside Retd. · « **Reply #685 on:** July 03, 2020, 07:53:15 PM »

So I said to Mrs B today, "Did you know that I call you my trophy wife?"

"Aw" she said, "Is that because you think I'm beautiful?"

"No" I said...

..."it's because yer ears stick out".

SteveH · « **Reply #686 on:** July 03, 2020, 10:42:44 PM »

Dear Mr Dee,

That nice Mr Johnson says that the government is going to adopt a guacamole policy towards Covid-19. I haven't got any in. Do you think mushy peas will do instead?

Yours sincerely,

Mrs Trellis,

North Wales

Harrowby Hall · « **Reply #687 on:** July 04, 2020, 04:41:36 PM »

Three young women died in a car crash. They are greeted at the Pearly Gates by St Peter who informed them that they had to undergo a test of their biblical knowledge before they could go into Paradise.

To the first one he asked: "Who was the first woman?"

"Easy'" she answered, "Eve"

"Good" said St Peter. "Go on through." And to the second young woman he asked: "Where did this woman live?"

"Easy" came the reply, "in the Garden of Eden."

"Good." said St Peter. "Go on through." And to the third young woman He asked: "And what did Eve say when she first saw Adam?"

"Oh dear." She paused: "That's a hard one …"

" Go on through."

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #688 on:** July 11, 2020, 05:34:35 PM »

It's a little known fact that the writer of "Winnie the Pooh", A.A.Milne, had a smaller brother called A.A.A Milne.

jeremyp · « **Reply #689 on:** July 12, 2020, 10:52:20 AM »

Quote from: Nearly Sane on June 22, 2020, 09:57:10 PM

I might open a shop called "Pi".

I advise you not to do it, it would be totally irrational.

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #690 on:** July 12, 2020, 12:13:35 PM »

A man has reportedly been hit by a flying power tool.

In hospital recovering he said: "Everything was going fine.....and then Bosch"

Roses · « **Reply #691 on:** July 12, 2020, 01:43:41 PM »

When I tell my kids not to do anything their senile old mother would do, they assure me they would never be that daft!

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #692 on:** July 13, 2020, 07:04:43 PM »

How to start a conversation with a cat in different countries:
6. Psp psp psp (England)
5. Kiss kiss kiss (Finland)
4. Pish pish pish (Iran)
3. Minou minou minou (France)
2. Ming ming ming (Philippines)
1. What’s new pussycat, whoa oh whoa (Wales)

Sebastian Toe · « **Reply #693 on:** July 13, 2020, 09:49:04 PM »

I mentioned to my wife the other day that she was the only one that I had ever been with.

Awww, she said, that is sweet, is it really true?

Yes, all of the others were sixes, sevens and eights.

bluehillside Retd. · « **Reply #694 on:** July 15, 2020, 08:44:21 AM »

Why do we call them COVID-19 face masks when we have the golden opportunity to call them in instead...

....wait for it

...wait for it

...coughy filters?

I’ll get me coat.

Gordon · « **Reply #695 on:** July 15, 2020, 08:59:07 AM »

Can't remember if I've posted this one before, so apologies if I have.

Man goes to his GP and says that in both social and work situations he feels compelled to loudly sing 'The Green Green Grass of Home', and it is becoming both embarrassing and intrusive.

The GP tells him not to worry, he know what the problem is, and that he has Tom Jones Syndrome.

The man is relieved and asks if the condition is quite common.

The GP jumps on his desk and loudly sings 'It's Not Unusual'.

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #696 on:** July 15, 2020, 09:18:00 AM »

Quote from: bluehillside Retd. on July 15, 2020, 08:44:21 AM

Why do we call them COVID-19 face masks when we have the golden opportunity to call them in instead...

....wait for it

...wait for it

...coughy filters?

I’ll get me coat.

Was having a 'discussion' with someone objecting to wearing a mask who was referring to them as face nappies - I asked did he call them that because of what came out of his mouth.

jeremyp · « **Reply #697 on:** July 15, 2020, 11:35:58 AM »

Quote from: Nearly Sane on July 15, 2020, 09:18:00 AM

Was having a 'discussion' with someone objecting to wearing a mask who was referring to them as face nappies - I asked did he call them that because of what came out of his mouth.

Gonna steal that.

Walt Zingmatilder · « **Reply #698 on:** July 15, 2020, 11:52:23 AM »

Quote from: Gordon on July 15, 2020, 08:59:07 AM

Can't remember if I've posted this one before, so apologies if I have.

Man goes to his GP and says that in both social and work situations he feels compelled to loudly sing 'The Green Green Grass of Home', and it is becoming both embarrassing and intrusive.

The GP tells him not to worry, he know what the problem is, and that he has Tom Jones Syndrome.

The man is relieved and asks if the condition is quite common.

The GP jumps on his desk and loudly sings 'It's Not Unusual'.

Joke of the week....let's hope it doesn't wear off.

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #699 on:** July 15, 2020, 12:29:47 PM »

You Matter

Unless

You multiply yourself times the speed of light squared.

Then you energy

News:

Author Topic: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny. (Read 159056 times)