More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.

[Walt Zingmatilder]

lovely story

yes, in his private life he had normal hair and teeth and dressed as a woman on Wednesdays

Did' e?
No,Doddy.

[Walt Zingmatilder]

Government orders Priti Patel to get back to smirk.

[Nearly Sane]

The first rule of "Condescending Club" is really kinda complex and I don't think you'd understand it even if I explained it to you.

[Harrowby Hall]

Two nuns on bicycles, quite late at night, trying to get back to the convent, which is on the other side of the city, before lights-out.

"I think I know a short cut" said Sister Agnes, "but it's through the very old part of town."

"OK, let's take it" said Sister Mary.

They turned into a poorly lit street lined by terraced houses. Then into another and into another.

After half an hour Sister Mary suspected that they were lost and asked Sister Agnes: "Do you often come this way?"

"No" came the reply. "I think it must be the cobbles."

[ippy]

Heard a fake news report today, 'two aardvarks fell out of a tree today injuring a worker', it has to be fake news, because aardvark's never hurt anybody.

[Nearly Sane]

PITCH: "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" but the contestants are billionaires so it's more of a threat.

[Steve H]

Recent American headline: "Airline bans Navy Seal who shot Osama Bin Laden for not wearing a mask". And all this time I thought it was because of the terrorism.

[ekim]

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

[Roses]

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

Nice one.

[ippy]

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

Always good to see the deeply intellectual side of the forum ekim, don't let the standard slip! 

[ekim]

Always good to see the deeply intellectual side of the forum ekim, don't let the standard slip! 

Just for you:

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

[Roses]

Just for you:

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

 

[ippy]

Just for you:

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

I'm beginning to think that the moderators should be volunteering  all of your details to the police ekim, before it's too late!

[Walt Zingmatilder]

Hippocracy-Rule by horses. Means of government- Nagging.

[Aruntraveller]

Imagine a world where Youtube, Twitter & Facebook merge to become Youtwitface.

[Nearly Sane]

Which one of TS Eliot’s Jellicle Cats was the most religious?



 Ivan Jellicle

[jeremyp]

Which one of TS Eliot’s Jellicle Cats was the most religious?



 Ivan Jellicle

Married to Anne Jellicle?

[Roses]

Cousin of Evan Jellicle

[Nearly Sane]

A guy has just assaulted me with a strawberry flavored milk!



 How dairy!

[Roses]

Al Gore's rhythm is mutant.

[Aruntraveller]

A vampire masturbating in front of a mirror......... bet you didn't see that coming.

[Nearly Sane]

A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.

[ekim]

Seen on church notice boards.....

Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church.  Children will be baptised at both ends.

Tuesday at 4 p.m. there will be an ice cream social.  All ladies giving milk please come early.

Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mother's Club.  All ladies wishing to be 'Little Mothers' will meet the pastor in his study.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind.  They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon will be "What is Hell"?  Come early and listen to our choir practice.

[Spud]

Seen on church notice boards.....
Tuesday at 4 p.m. there will be an ice cream social.  All ladies giving milk please come early.

Reminds me of when my friend on the till asked a lady customer "do you have nectar"? (meaning "do you have a nectar card"). Initially she looked shocked, but then saw the funny side of it.

[SusanDoris]

I agree, Lr! I seldom look at this apparently male-only thread, but have done so today, mostly faintly wincing!! I acknowledge that it is a lot to do with the way Synthetic Dave tells 'em!