More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.

[bluehillside Retd.]

Sign at the local curry house:

"Try our takeaways - you won't get better!"

[ekim]

There was an advert put in a local newspaper by a small painting and decorating firm...
'You have tried the cowboys.  Now try the Indians'....... Patel Brothers.

[bluehillside Retd.]

I just got kicked out of my Facebook flat earth group because I asked if the 2 metre distancing rule had pushed anyone over the edge yet…

[Aruntraveller]

A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and Boris Johnson went hiking. Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen:
They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.

The farmer said. "Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn."
The Hindu priest said. "I need no material comforts. I will gladly take the barn."
The rabbi and BoJo were settling in the room, when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the Hindu priest standing there.
"So sorry, my friends, but there is a cow in the barn, and I cannot sleep beside such a holy animal."
The rabbi said." No problem, my brother. I’ll take the barn."

The Hindu priest and BoJo were settling in the room, when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the rabbi standing there.

"So sorry, my friends, but there’s a pig in the barn, and I can’t sleep beside such a filthy animal."
Boris then said. "OK, let it be remembered that I sacrificed my comfort for the greater good."

The rabbi and the Hindu priest were settling in the room, when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the pig and the cow standing there....

[ippy]

Sign on the stairs at our local railway station: 'Don't run on the stairs use the handrail'.

There's no punctuation on this notice.

[bluehillside Retd.]

ipster,

Sign on the stairs at our local railway station: 'Don't run on the stairs use the handrail'.

There's no punctuation on this notice.

Reminds me of a sign in the local shopping mall: "Dogs must be carried on the escalator."

Where the hell was I supposed to find a dog at that time of night?   

[jeremyp]

ipster,

Reminds me of a sign in the local shopping mall: "Dogs must be carried on the escalator."

Where the hell was I supposed to find a dog at that time of night?   

Don't be silly. It means that if you are going to carry a dog, you must do it on the escalator.

[bluehillside Retd.]

A friend of mine's wife just left him, taking his Bob Marley cds and satellite dish with her...

...yep, he has no woman, no Sky.   

[ippy]

Just a thought, it may not necessarily be a good idea to have memory foam in your shoes, when you think about it!

[SteveH]

Mr Frog was ill, so his friend Miss Hen went to the library to get some books for him to pass the time with. She went up to the counter, and said "BOOOOOK book book book book!", so the librarian gave her five books, which she took back to Mr Frog. He looked at them one by one, and said "Read it - read it - read it - read it - read it."

[Aruntraveller]

My 4 year old son has been learning Spanish, but he still can't say please in Spanish.

Which I think is poor for four.

[SteveH]

My 4 year old son has been learning Spanish, but he still can't say please in Spanish.

Which I think is poor for four.

In similar vein, three French cats went sailing, but their boat sprang a leak.
Un, deux, trois cats sank.

[ippy]

This chap fell into a sewer, he couldn't swim so he just went through the motions.

[SteveH]

I ordered four Kindles from Amazon. They sent me a Two Ronnies DVD.

[Nearly Sane]

I've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage!

[Aruntraveller]

I've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage!

Oh I like that!

[Aruntraveller]

Dr Watson, I appear to have mud on my shoes.

No shit Sherlock.

[Nearly Sane]

'I guess the only way to have Christmas this year is to kill the turkey and have 30 people round for the funeral'

[Aruntraveller]

My old Dad used to say:

"The first rule of theatre is leave them wanting more"

Lovely bloke - terrible anaesthetist.

[SteveH]

Can circumcisions be done at any age, or is there a cut-off age?

[Nearly Sane]

Mansplaining is correctile dysfunction

[Spud]

From Matt a few days ago: "World leaders have sent their best wishes (to Donald Trump). Vladimir Putin says he will take care of the election".

[SteveH]

Back in January, my next-door neighbours erected a marquee in their garden, complete with flashing, coloured lights and funky music. I asked them what they were doing. They replied "Now is the winter of our disco tent".

[Nearly Sane]

Seen elsewhere triggered by our latest shut down

'Thankfully in Scotland we all trained in our youths for the upcoming winter of discontent by drinking alcohol in dark parks, hillsides, bushes and lanes aged 13-18 in baltic conditions. We didn’t then know we were in training. But now is the day, and now is the hour.'

[Spud]

Seen elsewhere triggered by our latest shut down

'Thankfully in Scotland we all trained in our youths for the upcoming winter of discontent by drinking alcohol in dark parks, hillsides, bushes and lanes aged 13-18 in baltic conditions. We didn’t then know we were in training. But now is the day, and now is the hour.'

In our youth we had to run down the lane, up the hill, round the park, and through the bushes.