Author Topic: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny. (Read 145676 times)

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #825 on:** October 24, 2020, 07:15:16 PM »

A bloke walks into a bakery in Glasgow

He notices 2 cakes that look the same, but one was £1, and the other was 50p. He asks “what’s the difference” and the baker replies, “That ones Madeira Cake!”

Robbie · « **Reply #826 on:** October 24, 2020, 09:27:22 PM »

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
(Billy Connolly)

Sebastian Toe · « **Reply #827 on:** October 24, 2020, 09:30:52 PM »

Two kids in fancy dress came to my door tonight.

"Track or trace, track or trace?"

Gordon · « **Reply #828 on:** October 25, 2020, 07:24:28 AM »

Quote from: Nearly Sane on October 24, 2020, 07:15:16 PM

A bloke walks into a bakery in Glasgow

He notices 2 cakes that look the same, but one was £1, and the other was 50p. He asks “what’s the difference” and the baker replies, “That ones Madeira Cake!”

Reminds me of the other Glasgow bakery joke.

A man walks into a Glasgow bakery, points to an item, and says to the baker, "is that a cake or a meringue?" - to which the baker replies "you're right: it's a cake".

SteveH · « **Reply #829 on:** October 26, 2020, 12:41:38 PM »

"Ice cream cornet, please."
"Flake?"
"Yes, please."
"Hundreds and thousands?"
"No just one."

Spud · « **Reply #830 on:** October 27, 2020, 10:44:08 AM »

I don't get the meringue one....

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #831 on:** October 27, 2020, 10:50:42 AM »

Quote from: Spud on October 27, 2020, 10:44:08 AM

I don't get the meringue one....

Translates as "Is that a cake or am I wrong" at least that's how I read it after puzzling over it for quite a while

Sebastian Toe · « **Reply #832 on:** October 27, 2020, 02:19:55 PM »

Quote from: Trentvoyager on October 27, 2020, 10:50:42 AM

Translates as "Is that a cake or am I wrong" at least that's how I read it after puzzling over it for quite a while

Correct.
You need wee bit of Scots in you to get it quickly!
Am ah (I) wrang (wrong)

Spud · « **Reply #833 on:** October 27, 2020, 02:20:22 PM »

Quote from: Trentvoyager on October 27, 2020, 10:50:42 AM

Translates as "Is that a cake or am I wrong" at least that's how I read it after puzzling over it for quite a while

Nice one!

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #834 on:** October 30, 2020, 12:41:05 PM »

I quit my job as a banana fryer. Didn't want my life to fritter away.

Walt Zingmatilder · « **Reply #835 on:** October 30, 2020, 12:50:33 PM »

Quote from: Nearly Sane on October 30, 2020, 12:41:05 PM

I quit my job as a banana fryer. Didn't want my life to fritter away.

So you split?

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #836 on:** November 07, 2020, 12:53:08 AM »

“Math is not a four letter word” they say on CNN and everyone in the UK agrees

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #837 on:** November 11, 2020, 07:54:20 PM »

A mother was cleaning up her teenage sons room when she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish magazines.

She says to her husband "What shall we do?"

And the husband says: "Well I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him"

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #838 on:** November 11, 2020, 08:19:31 PM »

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theatre followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies...
... "You just happened to catch my eye "

Owlswing · « **Reply #839 on:** November 11, 2020, 10:27:54 PM »

Quote from: Trentvoyager on November 11, 2020, 08:19:31 PM

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theatre followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies...
... "You just happened to catch my eye "

I am truly sorry Trent but

GROAN!!

jeremyp · « **Reply #840 on:** November 12, 2020, 11:40:46 AM »

Money can't buy you love, they say.

But who are "they"?

The Beatles.

jeremyp · « **Reply #841 on:** November 12, 2020, 11:42:05 AM »

This ha probably been on here before, but in case it hasn't...

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my granddad,

not screaming in terror like his passengers.

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #842 on:** November 12, 2020, 11:49:03 AM »

Quote from: jeremyp on November 12, 2020, 11:42:05 AM

This ha probably been on here before, but in case it hasn't...

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my granddad,

not screaming in terror like his passengers.

It has - but it's still funny.

Edit: In fact you posted #256

bluehillside Retd. · « **Reply #843 on:** November 12, 2020, 11:56:00 AM »

I'm very proud of my Granddad - since lockdown he's walked five miles every day...

...he was last seen just outside Derby

Owlswing · « **Reply #844 on:** November 12, 2020, 11:59:15 AM »

Quote from: Trentvoyager on November 12, 2020, 11:49:03 AM

It has - but it's still funny.

Except for his passengers!

Sebastian Toe · « **Reply #845 on:** November 12, 2020, 04:58:19 PM »

I'm fed up of all of these Covid travel restriction, so I stuck up a world map and then gave my wife a dart and said,
“Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you on holiday when this pandemic ends.”

Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.

Sebastian Toe · « **Reply #846 on:** November 12, 2020, 05:04:50 PM »

Knock, knock.

Who's there? .....I don't care, just stop touching my door!

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #847 on:** November 12, 2020, 06:07:30 PM »

Did you hear about the time when a Catholic man, a woman of colour, a teacher and a Jew walk into the White House with a rescue dog?

That's when the joke leaves.

SusanDoris · « **Reply #848 on:** November 13, 2020, 10:42:42 AM »

Quote from: Sebastian Toe on November 12, 2020, 04:58:19 PM

I'm fed up of all of these Covid travel restriction, so I stuck up a world map and then gave my wife a dart and said,
“Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you on holiday when this pandemic ends.”

Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.

That one made me laugh - thank you !!

Sebastian Toe · « **Reply #849 on:** November 13, 2020, 01:08:18 PM »

Quote from: SusanDoris on November 13, 2020, 10:42:42 AM

That one made me laugh - thank you !!

I'm here all week!

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Author Topic: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny. (Read 145676 times)