Author Topic: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny. (Read 145666 times)

ippy · « **Reply #875 on:** December 05, 2020, 11:03:56 AM »

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.
It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering!

The usual high standard!

ekim · « **Reply #876 on:** December 05, 2020, 02:34:01 PM »

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #877 on:** December 09, 2020, 06:43:08 PM »

On my walkthrough Glasgow today, there were some scallywags selling Covid vaccines on the street.

Two quid a dose, 3 for a Pfizer

ippy · « **Reply #878 on:** December 10, 2020, 03:18:02 PM »

I had to give up what could have been a promising career in tap dancing after my accident, mind you I couldn't tap dance before I had my accident.

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #879 on:** December 10, 2020, 04:26:41 PM »

These are a sort of Christmas Cracker / Covid mash up sent to me by a friend:

1. What is Dominic Cummings' favourite Christmas song? Driving Home for Christmas.

2. Did you hear that production was down at Santa's workshop? Many of his workers have had to elf isolate.

3. Why didn't Mary and Joseph make it to Bethlehem? All Virgin flights were cancelled.

4. Why are Santa's reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve? They have herd immunity.

5. Why did the pirates have to go into lockdown? Because the "Arrrr!" rate had risen.

6. Why is it best to think of 2020 like a panto? Because eventually, it's behind you.

7. Why couldn't Mary and Joseph join their work conference call? Because there was no Zoom at the inn.

8. Why can't Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute? He doesn't know how many tiers it should have.

9. What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner? They put on a super spread.

10. Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time? Home Alone.

11. How do you play Dominic Cummings Monopoly? Ignore the rules, move anywhere on the board you like, and never Go To Jail.

12. Why won't Santa lose any presents this year? He's downloaded Sack and Trace.

13. How is the pandemic like my stomach after Christmas? It'll take ages to flatten the curve.

14. How is Prince Andrew coping with the stresses of Christmas this year? Fine. No sweat.

15. Why wasn't Rudolph allowed to take part in vaccine trials? Because they only wanted guinea pigs.

16. Which Government scheme supports Christmas dinner? Eat Sprout To Help Out.

17. How can you get out of talking to your boss at this year's staff Christmas party? Put him on mute.

18. Why did Mary and Joseph have to travel to Bethlehem? Because they couldn't book a home delivery.

I trust these provoked more than a few groans.

My apologies and Merry Christmas one and all.

SusanDoris · « **Reply #880 on:** December 11, 2020, 08:11:46 AM »

TV
Thank you - I enjoyed reading them!!

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #881 on:** December 14, 2020, 10:04:45 PM »

"From now on you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex I want! Afterwards you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied,"The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess"

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #882 on:** December 19, 2020, 10:54:03 AM »

I'm going to work on being less condescending to people.

(Condescending means to talk down to other people)

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #883 on:** December 20, 2020, 10:10:59 AM »

Chris Rea just put his car back in the garage.

bluehillside Retd. · « **Reply #884 on:** December 20, 2020, 10:31:01 AM »

Can’t believe it - someone’s round our way’s just nicked all the bus stop signs.

Just where do these people get off?

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #885 on:** December 21, 2020, 03:50:29 PM »

We're having a Brexit dinner this year. It's the same as a Christmas dinner but no Brussels

bluehillside Retd. · « **Reply #886 on:** December 21, 2020, 07:36:44 PM »

A friend of mine lives in Ukraine. He just watched the TV series “Chernobyl” and managed to count seven historical mistakes on the fingers of one hand...

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #887 on:** December 21, 2020, 10:01:17 PM »

2020 “what fresh hell is this”

2021 “what tinned hell is this”

ippy · « **Reply #888 on:** December 21, 2020, 11:31:41 PM »

'Innuendo', is this the Italian word for suppository?

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #889 on:** December 23, 2020, 10:48:26 AM »

Yesterday I tried to get some Oxo or Bisto from Sainsbury's........ but they are out of stock.

bluehillside Retd. · « **Reply #890 on:** December 23, 2020, 11:33:51 AM »

I just found out that shortly before he died the staff at the care home were putting lard on my granddad’s back.

He went downhill fast after that…

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #891 on:** December 24, 2020, 02:51:08 PM »

I've heard that if you have relatives round on Christmas day,
@policescotland can force entry and make them go home. Does anyone know if this is a free service or if you have to book in advance?

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #892 on:** December 26, 2020, 12:30:15 PM »

Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after 1 minor indiscretion. He slept with 1 of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet..

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #893 on:** December 27, 2020, 11:30:35 AM »

While Jim Apple was having trouble introducing himself at a hotel in Paris, his friend Gordon Morgan was having a similar problem at breakfast in Berlin.

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #894 on:** December 27, 2020, 07:22:02 PM »

When the Oxford vaccine runs out the rest of us get the Durham one

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #895 on:** January 03, 2021, 01:13:42 PM »

How do you milk sheep?

Tell them the election was rigged and then ask for a donation.

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #896 on:** January 04, 2021, 11:10:44 PM »

As it was raining yesterday I decided to watch a film about tea plantations, tea production and how it gets on to our supermarket shelves.

The film was PG rated.

Roses · « **Reply #897 on:** January 05, 2021, 11:59:42 AM »

Quote from: Trentvoyager on January 04, 2021, 11:10:44 PM

As it was raining yesterday I decided to watch a film about tea plantations, tea production and how it gets on to our supermarket shelves.

The film was PG rated.

Oh dear!

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #898 on:** January 05, 2021, 05:03:37 PM »

Announcement!

I’ve started drinking for two!!

That’s right...my partner is doing dry January

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #899 on:** January 05, 2021, 06:13:29 PM »

A thief has stolen all the road signs in Yorkshire.

The police are looking for Leeds

News:

Author Topic: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny. (Read 145666 times)