Author Topic: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.  (Read 159222 times)

Aruntraveller

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #1000 on: August 10, 2021, 06:25:18 AM »
A Chinese doctor can’t find a job in a hospital in the US, so he  opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside ‘GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF  NOT CURED GET BACK $100.’
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: “I have lost my sense of taste.”
Chinese: “Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient’s mouth.”
Lawyer: “Ugh. this is kerosene.”
Chinese: “Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.”
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: “I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.”
Chinese: “Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.”
Lawyer (annoyed): “This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.”
Chinese: “Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.”
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: “My eyesight has become very weak I can’t see at all.”
Chinese: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so take this $100.”
Lawyer (staring at the note): “But this is $20, not $100!!”
Chinese: “Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20”....
Before we work on Artificial Intelligence shouldn't we address the problem of natural stupidity.

Nearly Sane

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #1001 on: August 10, 2021, 02:10:47 PM »
'Seen a brand new telly for sale today. A 50 inch plasma for £50 quid. Reduced cause the volume button was broken. I thought to myself. You can't turn that down.'

Nearly Sane

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #1002 on: August 10, 2021, 03:30:54 PM »
'The trio of Messi, Neymar and Mbappe is too unfair on the rest. PSG will have the best creator in the world, the best dribbler in the world and the best scorer in the world.

And ON TOP of that they'll still have Neymar and Mbappe.'

Aruntraveller

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #1003 on: August 11, 2021, 04:14:23 PM »
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet.

It really made Joe lean, Joe Lean, Joe Lean, Joe Lean!
Before we work on Artificial Intelligence shouldn't we address the problem of natural stupidity.

Walt Zingmatilder

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #1004 on: August 11, 2021, 04:31:39 PM »
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet.

It really made Joe lean, Joe Lean, Joe Lean, Joe Lean!
Your certainly putting us on a low humour diet.

Aruntraveller

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #1005 on: August 11, 2021, 04:41:15 PM »
Your certainly putting us on a low humour diet.

Everyone's a critic.....
Before we work on Artificial Intelligence shouldn't we address the problem of natural stupidity.

jeremyp

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #1006 on: August 12, 2021, 12:33:21 PM »
We may have had this one, apologies if so.

What's the definition of perfect pitch?

Throwing an accordion into a skip and hitting a banjo.
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Walt Zingmatilder

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #1007 on: August 12, 2021, 12:51:43 PM »
Driving down the road I noticed a sticker on a car which said '' I'm a Vet so I can drive like an animal''........This leads me to believe that most motorists are gynaecologists.

Aruntraveller

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #1008 on: August 13, 2021, 09:46:15 PM »
Not exactly  a joke, but worth leaving here I think:

Rishi Sunak is an anagram of 'hi risk anus'.
Before we work on Artificial Intelligence shouldn't we address the problem of natural stupidity.

SteveH

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #1009 on: August 23, 2021, 12:18:28 PM »
A man walks into a pub with a Sealyham terrier. The barman says "That's a nice dog. What's its name?" "Fungus" replies the man. "Why Fungus?" asks the barman. "Because he's my Sealyham" replies the man.
I have a pet termite. His name is Clint. Clint eats wood.

Aruntraveller

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #1010 on: August 23, 2021, 12:23:01 PM »
Clever, but still a groan!
Before we work on Artificial Intelligence shouldn't we address the problem of natural stupidity.

Aruntraveller

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #1011 on: August 23, 2021, 12:34:15 PM »
An Australian joke, although I'm sure it can be modified to suit most countries:

An old station hand named Billy was overseeing his herd in a remote
pasture in the outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced
toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan®
sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,
will you give me a calf?"
Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at
his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA
page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact
fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that
scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.         
The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ......           
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the
image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an
MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet
with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives
a response.       
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to Billy and says, "You
have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."         
 "That's right. Well, you'll be helpin yourself to one of me calves, then,
since you won it fair en square." says Billy.       
He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and
looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it
into the boot of his car.         
 As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy
says,  "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come
from, will you give me back my calf?"         
The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wondering what  this wrinkled
up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know?    He grins
and then says, "Okay, old fella, why not? I'm a believer in fair play."
"You're a politician  & you work in Canberra." says the old timer..             
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but, tell me how on earth
did you guess that?"           
"No guessing required." answered Billy "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked.  You used millions of dollars worth of
equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and
you don't know a thing about how working people make a living -
or about cows, for that matter.  This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog."
Before we work on Artificial Intelligence shouldn't we address the problem of natural stupidity.

SusanDoris

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #1012 on: August 24, 2021, 07:08:28 AM »
#1011 TV

That was definitely a laugh out loud  one. I listened all the way through and am no good at anticipating answers  so was suitably surprised!!
The Most Honourable Sister of Titular Indecision.

SteveH

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #1013 on: August 25, 2021, 01:12:34 PM »
I recently decided against going outside, as I wanted to stay in and read a French philosopher.
I put Descartes before dehors.
I have a pet termite. His name is Clint. Clint eats wood.

Aruntraveller

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #1014 on: August 25, 2021, 09:57:27 PM »
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Before we work on Artificial Intelligence shouldn't we address the problem of natural stupidity.

Aruntraveller

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #1015 on: August 27, 2021, 09:01:40 AM »
A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

An optimist sees light at the end of a tunnel.

A realist sees a freight train.

The train driver sees 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Before we work on Artificial Intelligence shouldn't we address the problem of natural stupidity.

Nearly Sane

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #1016 on: August 29, 2021, 07:12:35 PM »
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won't lie, it's been a rocky road.

Aruntraveller

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #1017 on: August 30, 2021, 10:10:54 AM »
Please be aware that on Monday 30th August it will not be possible to take certain breeds of black and white dogs for a walk as it is a ban collie day.
Before we work on Artificial Intelligence shouldn't we address the problem of natural stupidity.

Nearly Sane

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #1018 on: September 03, 2021, 09:44:19 AM »


They’ve started rehearsing for that new ABBA concert. It was incredibly loud. You could hear the drums from Nando’s

Nearly Sane

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #1019 on: September 06, 2021, 12:48:49 AM »
Man injured in bizarre peek-a-boo accident.














He's in ICU

Aruntraveller

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #1020 on: September 09, 2021, 09:30:00 AM »
I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I think I nailed it but nobody saw it.
Before we work on Artificial Intelligence shouldn't we address the problem of natural stupidity.

jeremyp

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #1021 on: September 09, 2021, 12:39:45 PM »
I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I think I nailed it but nobody saw it.
I saw what you did there. It's pretty plane that with this level of punning, we are all screwed. It goes against the grain to say it, but it is the unvarnished truth. Don't fret though, I'm sure we can maintain a veneer of respectability.
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ekim

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #1022 on: September 09, 2021, 02:31:11 PM »
Get knotted!

jeremyp

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #1023 on: September 09, 2021, 07:57:43 PM »
Get knotted!
I think your bark is worse than your bight.
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ekim

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #1024 on: September 10, 2021, 09:07:27 AM »
I think your bark is worse than your bight.
If you think that, then I pine for yew.