Author Topic: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny. (Read 159245 times)

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #1050 on:** November 26, 2021, 12:07:46 AM »

As Sweden’s Prime Minister resigns after less than 12 hours, Ikea shoppers say they’ve spent far longer than that failing to put a cabinet together.

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #1051 on:** November 27, 2021, 07:00:45 AM »

Not a joke as such but one of the funniest videos I have ever seen. Sometimes when I'm feeling a bit down, I return to it.

Note there is copious amounts of 'bad' language.

https://youtu.be/wVN4PRLrpsA

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #1052 on:** November 28, 2021, 10:14:30 AM »

Owlswing · « **Reply #1053 on:** November 29, 2021, 10:58:25 AM »

A soldier ran up to a nun.

Out of breath, he gasped, "Please Sister, may I hide under your robes - I'll explain later!"

The nun granted his request and a few moments later two M.P.s skidded to a halt in front of the nun and asked her if she had seen a soldier running past her.

The nun pointed behind her and told the M.P.s he had gone past her and down the road. The M.P.s thanked her and charged off down the street.

The soldier waited for the sound of running boots to die away and crawled out of his hiding place and thanked the Sister for her help and told her his unit had been posted to Afghanistan and he didn't fancy going.

The Nun said that she completely understood his reluctance.

The soldier said, "Sister, I hope I am not being rude, but you have a really great pair of legs!"

The Nun grinned and told him that, had he looked a little higher he would have seen a great pair of bollocks as she didn't fancy being posted to Afghanistan either!

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #1054 on:** December 01, 2021, 02:11:16 PM »

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #1055 on:** December 02, 2021, 09:51:41 AM »

It’s so cold outside, I saw a Tory with his hands in his own pockets

jeremyp · « **Reply #1056 on:** December 04, 2021, 02:11:13 PM »

I was reading about a seventeenth century Parisian natural philosopher. He gave his job as a stock broker up to pursue a career in science. He put Descartes before the Bourse.

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #1057 on:** December 05, 2021, 09:38:57 AM »

I've decided to release a record for the season. It's called "Duvet know it's Christmas".

It's a cover version.

(I got the crackers out early this year)

jeremyp · « **Reply #1058 on:** December 06, 2021, 12:16:07 PM »

Quote from: Trentvoyager on December 05, 2021, 09:38:57 AM

I've decided to release a record for the season. It's called "Duvet know it's Christmas".

It's a cover version.

(I got the crackers out early this year)

I think we must have both bought the same brand.

Sebastian Toe · « **Reply #1059 on:** December 06, 2021, 02:00:02 PM »

How to manage unruly children prior Xmas?

Gift wrap some empty boxes and put them under the tree.

If the kids misbehave, pick up a 'present' and toss it on the fire!

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #1060 on:** December 06, 2021, 04:09:23 PM »

https://twitter.com/jed_mercurio/status/1467855644149665795?t=uxwRdZYliAiOvLnr0bJMrQ&s=19

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #1061 on:** December 09, 2021, 10:09:49 AM »

OMG! I just woke up and found all the windows have been smashed open and everything's gone! 😡😡😡

Please take my advice and NEVER get drunk within reaching distance of your advent calendar.

Spud · « **Reply #1062 on:** December 09, 2021, 10:31:55 AM »

Quote from: Nearly Sane on December 09, 2021, 10:09:49 AM

OMG! I just woke up and found all the windows have been smashed open and everything's gone! 😡😡😡

Please take my advice and NEVER get drunk within reaching distance of your advent calendar.

There's also a risk that you would use it to strain the vegetables.

Walt Zingmatilder · « **Reply #1063 on:** December 09, 2021, 06:31:29 PM »

Archeologists have discovered that the first two human beings were cockneys.......would you Adam and Eve it?

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #1064 on:** December 12, 2021, 02:09:20 PM »

As I get older I find I only need three shops. Specsavers, Boots and Greggs.

My life is just specs and drugs and sausage rolls…

Sebastian Toe · « **Reply #1065 on:** December 12, 2021, 05:42:27 PM »

Satan has had his wig stolen.
Now there's going to be hell toupee!

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #1066 on:** December 12, 2021, 06:16:53 PM »

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #1067 on:** December 13, 2021, 12:18:42 PM »

For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.

Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #1068 on:** December 14, 2021, 12:50:24 PM »

Over the seasonal season there is to be a televised sport featuring slightly inebriated table tennis players
it's being titled " ping pong merrily " ( on sky )

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #1069 on:** December 15, 2021, 09:39:09 PM »

Each Festive season in years past , I always dreamed that one day I could take part in a pantomime ,
But that's Behind me now.

jeremyp · « **Reply #1070 on:** December 16, 2021, 09:24:19 AM »

Quote from: Trentvoyager on December 15, 2021, 09:39:09 PM

Each Festive season in years past , I always dreamed that one day I could take part in a pantomime ,
But that's Behind me now.

Oh no it isn't.

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #1071 on:** December 16, 2021, 12:48:35 PM »

Binfluencer (bin·flu·enc·er): The person on your street who always puts their wheelie bins out first on bin day and the rest of the neighbours follow.

Sebastian Toe · « **Reply #1072 on:** December 16, 2021, 01:36:28 PM »

When my wife is feeling low, I let her colour in my tattoo.

She just needs a shoulder to crayon!

Sebastian Toe · « **Reply #1073 on:** December 16, 2021, 01:42:08 PM »

My dog swallowed some scrabble tiles

His next poop could spell disaster…..

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #1074 on:** December 17, 2021, 10:03:23 AM »

Two parrots were sitting on a perch
One said to the other
" Can you smell fish " ?

News:

Author Topic: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny. (Read 159245 times)