More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.

[jeremyp]

It's a dark day for music lovers. It's the anniversary of the first patent for the accordion.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cyrill_Demian

This gives me an opportunity to retell a joke.

What's the definition of perfect pitch?

Tossing an accordion in a skip and hitting a banjo.

[Nearly Sane]

It's a dark day for music lovers. It's the anniversary of the first patent for the accordion.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cyrill_Demian

This gives me an opportunity to retell a joke.

What's the definition of perfect pitch?

Tossing an accordion in a skip and hitting a banjo.

Which reminds me of this

[SqueakyVoice]

J-R Mogg has announced that you can't  have pate` any more. Now, you can only have some, if it rhymes  with 'plate'.


Next, he'll work out how to pronounce minestrone.

[SteveH]

I see thatcher's new statue in Grantham has been vandalised again. Someone suggested that removing paint from it is going to be like painting the Forth Bridge - never-ending*. Not many people know that Thatcher had an artificial eye. You could tell which one it was - it was the one with a gleam of humanity in it.
*No longer true of the bridge: modern coating mean it has to be done much less frequently.

[SteveH]

Shamelessy pinched from the internet:
On the last occasion that Prince Charles visited Australia, he attended a function at Wagga Wagga, where he was met by various dignitaries, including the Mayor of Wagga Wagga. Whilst having a cocktail, the Mayor said to the Prince “Your Highness, it’s quite a hot day and yet you have chosen an unusual style of headwear, a fur cap. Isn’t that quite hot and uncomfortable?”

The Prince replied “Well, yes, it is actually, but it was Mummy’s idea.”

“I’m sorry, Her Majesty told you to wear it?" said the Mayor.

 “Oh, yes,” replied Charles. “I spoke to her by telephone this morning.  She asked me what I was doing today and I told her I was attending a reception at Wagga Wagga.  She then said ‘Wear the fox hat.’ “

[SteveH]

Which reminds me of this

No busker playing a digeridoo?

[SqueakyVoice]

I used to practice making pottery.

Now? Totally smashed it. 

[SqueakyVoice]

(To mark the opening of NZ's cricket tour...)

I used be be a really consistent cricket player, but then I caught diarrhoea.

I get lots of runs now.

[SteveH]

(To mark the opening of NZ's cricket tour...)

I used be be a really consistent cricket player, but then I caught diarrhoea.

I get lots of runs now.

Caught behind, as they say.

[SqueakyVoice]

Caught behind, as they say.

Sometimes I get caught in the slips.

I won't even describe what it's like being caught in the gullies.

[Spud]

I've got this snail at home. I took the shell off it the other day, because I thought it might go faster without it. But instead it was quite sluggish.

[Nearly Sane]

.

[SqueakyVoice]

The phonetic alphabet list had been modified.

You can't say kilo, you have to say stone.

You can still say foxtrot foxtrot Sierra, if needs be.

[Nearly Sane]

.

[SteveH]

My three best subjects at school were maths and arithmetic.
I was in the supermarket earlier standing in the six items or less queue, when this nosy woman behind me looked in my basket and shouted so everybody could hear her, She said,' The notice there says six items or less, can you not read?' I said, 'I can read perfectly well. I can't count.'
(Pinched from the Book of Faces.)

[SqueakyVoice]

When I was young, I wanted to be a plumber.

But it was only ever a pipe dream.

[SteveH]

When I was young, I wanted to be a plumber.

But it was only ever a pipe dream.

That's plumb stupid.

[ekim]

Signs of the times.
Seen in the toilet of a London Office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER.  PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

In a Laundromat:  AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES - PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

In a London Department Store:  BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

In an Office: AFTER A TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a second hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.  WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN.

Notice in a Health Shop window:  CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a Safari Park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.

Notice in a farmer's field:  THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:  IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

On a repair shop door:  WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.  (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)

[Nearly Sane]

.

[Nearly Sane]

Couldn’t believe it last night - I was buying pick & mix at the cinema and they refused to accept a £50 note.

I had to pay with two 20s and a tenner.

[ekim]

Man rushes into GP's Surgery and shouts:  "Doctor!  I think I am shrinking!!" 

Doctor replies, "Calm down.  You'll just have to be a little patient".

[SteveH]

"What's that you're eating, Holmes?"
"Lemon entrée, my dear Watson!"

[SteveH]

....

[Aruntraveller]

I've just opened a packet of Ibuprofen- or as the Tories would call it, a new hospital.

[Aruntraveller]

An oldie, but oh so appropriate:

In the olden days, we had empires run by emperors and kingdoms run by kings. Now we have countries run by.........