More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.

[Sebastian Toe]

My neighbour is very sad about the end of his career in pantomime so I said to him " You should put it all                 B E H I N D  Y O U !!!!!!!!!"

Oh no you didn't!

[SteveH]

I told a joke in a Zoom meeting, but no-one laughed. Turns out I'm not remotely funny.

[SqueakyVoice]

I wanted to be a driving instructor. But then I got stuck in a dead end.

[SqueakyVoice]

Mel G.
https://youtube.com/shorts/K9K1gWfoS8c?feature=share4 (...maybe the other Spice Girls were giving a hand...?)

[SqueakyVoice]

'Sam will be leaving soon.  She wants to see the most beautiful, scenic sights in England and Wales, so Sven will showing her around, first he's going to Bangor and finally Cockermouth.'

[jeremyp]

Mel G.
https://youtube.com/shorts/K9K1gWfoS8c?feature=share4 (...maybe the other Spice Girls were giving a hand...?)

And that's why we usually do so badly.

[jeremyp]

'Sam will be leaving soon.  She wants to see the most beautiful, scenic sights in England and Wales, so Sven will showing her around, first he's going to Bangor and finally Cockermouth.'

If we are going to be doing ISIHAC lines, my favourite is this introduction to "One Song to the Tune of Another".

The teams are going to sing for us now, in the game called One Song To The Tune Of Another, and even as those words left my lips, I could sense the teams thinking: What in blue blazes is that all about? Well, fret not, as it's all relatively simple if given a proper explanation. If you think about it, a milk bottle is almost exactly like a song. It's wide at the base, but tapers to a small diameter opening at the top which is sealed with a foil cap to prevent spillage. But that's not what makes it like a song. No, because the bottle contains milk which is exactly like the words. The milk, or words, may be poured from the bottle, or song, and then the bottle can be returned to the milkman to be refilled with different milk, or words. Just like singing one song to the tune of another. But, I hear the teams collectively gasp under their breath, what about garden birds? Yes, there is the danger as your milk sits on the doorstep, that the foil cap might have holes pecked in it, allowing the ingress of contaminent, and rendering the milk unpalatable. Sadly, things are liable to go sour, thanks to an unwelcome little tit. At the piano, Colin Sell...

[SqueakyVoice]

If we are going to be doing ISIHAC lines, my favourite is this introduction to "One Song to the Tune of Another".

I knew it was based on ISIHAC, but I've only seen those places recently and I keep thinking most of their jokes are thrown away, so I have no idea whether it's completely nicked or entirely original.

[jeremyp]

I knew it was based on ISIHAC, but I've only seen those places recently and I keep thinking most of their jokes are thrown away, so I have no idea whether it's completely nicked or entirely original.

Sven let Samantha join his rowing crew yesterday. He told me that she complimented his cox and that she had a good long stroke.

[SteveH]

If we're doing ISIHAC quotes, this is from memory:

Who can forget the episode [of 'Give us a Clue'] in which Lionel Blair successfully pulled off Twelve Angry Men?

[jeremyp]

If we're doing ISIHAC quotes, this is from memory:

Possibly the most versatile performer was Lionel Blair, and no-one will ever forget the moment he was given A Town Like Alice when he chose to do a silent impression of the author. Such was the performance, Una Stubbs gasped in amazement when she saw Neville Shute in Lionel's face.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wTR03jlQ8M

[SqueakyVoice]

Lionel Blair's dead now, of course.
 .
  .
 .No he isn't. .Yes, he is.   . . .You don't know do you...?!

(C) Eddie Izzard.

[Nearly Sane]

.

[bluehillside Retd.]

Also from memory:

“So Samantha’s leaving us now to meet her new gentleman friend, who’s a chef. He says she’s a big fan of his slow-cooked beef in beer, but she tells me she prefers his tongue in cider…”   

[Nearly Sane]

.

[SteveH]

I'm not saying that the Smiths were a rubbish group, but I once walked past a concert hall where they were appearing. There were two bouncers outside, grabbing people and chucking them in.

[Aruntraveller]

I'm not saying that the Smiths were a rubbish group, but I once walked past a concert hall where they were appearing. There were two bouncers outside, grabbing people and chucking them in.

Quite. I never got the appeal.

To expand there are some groups/artists I don't like but I can see the appeal for others. The heavy metal genre is one example.  The group Steeleye Span, another.

The Smiths is a whole other thing. I just don't get it.

[jeremyp]

I'm not saying that the Smiths were a rubbish group, but I once walked past a concert hall where they were appearing. There were two bouncers outside, grabbing people and chucking them in.

I wonder how the bouncers were able to live with themselves after such callous behaviour.

[Nearly Sane]

.

[SqueakyVoice]

I saw some graffiti, where someone had written  'GANB' and I thought, 'that's bang out of order.'

I was trying to find out how old this joke was, then I found Tim Vine.

“I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said: ‘It depends where you’re calling from.'”

https://inews.co.uk/light-relief/jokes/tim-vine-best-jokes-and-one-liners-88044

[Nearly Sane]

.

[Nearly Sane]

.

[SqueakyVoice]

I saw loads of geologists examining rocks for fissures, then hitting them with a hammer. They were all crack addicts.

[Nearly Sane]

.

[Nearly Sane]

.