Rolf Harris

[Rhiannon]

Thinking about it,yes people do recover from abuse in time, especially if they are able to offload & i'd think seeing someone take responsibility as in the case of Rolf Harris- not that he had much choice in the end but still he has had to face up and even apologised - is healing.

That's still giving the power to the abuser. Survivors of abuse can recover from trauma regardless of the subsequent actions of their abuser.

[Robbie]

Is that right? I thought Rolf Harris was still denying all the charges. So how can he have faced-up to what he has done and apologised? Only what I heard yesterday on the news, Robinson.... I haven't really been following the case.

He is denying the charges for which he has yet to go to court.  I remember him apologising for something when he was previously convicted or he wrote a letter expressing remorse.

I wasn't following it either SweetPea but when it was brought up here I looked on the internet and saw the latest.

Rhiannon, sometimes it gives closure but not everyone has that opportunity, the perp could die before being brought to justice or just not be found! Yes there are people strong enough to leave things behind regardless and rise above it yet you'd be amazed how often it pops up when they get older, memories triggered. It's very sad when elderly people cannot get things out of their heads and have no-one they trust enough to talk to.

People are different, there's no one right way for all.

[Rhiannon]

Of course there isn't. I've walked alongside quite a few abuse survivors. I think that maybe you don't understand what I meant by my post - whether or not any abuser 'faces up' to what they have done, survivors can move on from their trauma. No need for apologies, no need to forgive. Just recover.

[Robbie]

I agree,some do.

[floo]

Of course there isn't. I've walked alongside quite a few abuse survivors. I think that maybe you don't understand what I meant by my post - whether or not any abuser 'faces up' to what they have done, survivors can move on from their trauma. No need for apologies, no need to forgive. Just recover.

Some might recover but others suffer the trauma for life, especially if a close relative was involved or they weren't believed.

[Rhiannon]

Yes, I know that. My point is that it is unhelpful to think that a survivor needs or wants the remorse of the abuser in order to recover. That hands the power to the abuser.

[floo]

Yes, I know that. My point is that it is unhelpful to think that a survivor needs or wants the remorse of the abuser in order to recover. That hands the power to the abuser.

Some survivors might require their abuser to genuinely feel remorse for their actions.

[Rhiannon]

Some survivors might require their abuser to genuinely feel remorse for their actions.

And again...

That makes the survivor's recovery reliant in the abuser to not only show remorse but to be genuine about it. It locks the survivor to the abuser.

It's possible to recover independently of anything that the abuser does. It might take the survivor talking to someone in order to realise that, not least because our society has some very odd ideas about remorse and forgiveness.

[wigginhall]

And again...

That makes the survivor's recovery reliant in the abuser to not only show remorse but to be genuine about it. It locks the survivor to the abuser.

It's possible to recover independently of anything that the abuser does. It might take the survivor talking to someone in order to realise that, not least because our society has some very odd ideas about remorse and forgiveness.

This also operates in families, where some people get hooked on an abusive parent or other family member.   I mean that they wait for something good to come along, and they can waste their lives doing this.   But it's difficult to admit that a parent or sibling was cruel, and then let go of it.    It's tempting to keep going  back for more, hoping to convert them.

[Rhiannon]

This also operates in families, where some people get hooked on an abusive parent or other family member.   I mean that they wait for something good to come along, and they can waste their lives doing this.   But it's difficult to admit that a parent or sibling was cruel, and then let go of it.    It's tempting to keep going  back for more, hoping to convert them.

Yes, sadly. 

[Rhiannon]

I am not saying it isn't possible for a survivor to recover, but the abuser being genuinely sorry might aid that recovery.

What odd ideas does our society have about remorse and forgiveness?

That wasn't what you said. You said that some may require the remorse of their abuser.

We have the odd ideas (probably hangovers from our religious past) that remorse and forgiveness are necessary for survivors of abuse and violence to move on. They aren't.

[Rhiannon]

I'm sorry that you went through that.

If something hasn't happened (remorse, asking for forgiveness) it's impossible to say whether it would have helped or not. Sometimes the only thing to do is accept (or try to accept) that some will never feel remorse, empathy or guilt and let it go.

[Sassy]

Of course there isn't. I've walked alongside quite a few abuse survivors. I think that maybe you don't understand what I meant by my post - whether or not any abuser 'faces up' to what they have done, survivors can move on from their trauma. No need for apologies, no need to forgive. Just recover.

It isn't really true. My friend is off to court tomorrow to see their abuser sentenced.
They had a break down at one point due to the abuse and lost a powerful and well paid job in the City.
This has took years to bring to court and get a conviction. The conviction brought some relief but there was no way they could move on till the abuser had been charged and brought to book.

I know people who have tried to take their life due to abuse. Tried suicide and even now are bi-polar and suffering other illnesses having never been able to forget. While they survive they are not always able to move on from the results the trauma causes.

Whatever the abuse.... never make everyone thing a false belief that people just get over abuse. It is insensitive and untrue.

[Sassy]

Some survivors might require their abuser to genuinely feel remorse for their actions.

They require their abuser to be punished for justice.

[Robbie]

It's all very sad. Thank goodness your friend will see justice done at last.

There are some victims who do not know the real identity of the perpetrator(s) or the perp has died or just can't be found. Actually thinking about it there must be loads of people in that position, we just don't hear about them.

[Sassy]

It's all very sad. Thank goodness your friend will see justice done at last.

There are some victims who do not know the real identity of the perpetrator(s) or the perp has died or just can't be found. Actually thinking about it there must be loads of people in that position, we just don't hear about them.

My friends abuser got 14 years.

[Robbie]

Good