Sexual Abuse and Prominent People

[Robbie]

Physical abuse is well hidden, floo. There have to be wounds or a real crisis for it to become known so most of us would not recognise it. The victims come in all shapes, sizes and types - often the last people you would expect.  Men tend to hide it well too.

It often goes hand in hand with psychological abuse, same as with women and is extremely difficult to get away from.

I really feel like weeping right now thinking about all this.  So many damaged people hurting eachother, what's the point of it all?

[Shaker]

You don't know me, or the men I know well, so don't make statements you can't substantiate.

On the subject of claims that can't be substantiated

All the men I know personally would be highly unlikely to be victims of domestic violence

is pretty close to the top.

There's a reason that DV against males is either (a) disbelieved or (b) treated with 1970s-comedy eye rolling and winking and you've pretty much nailed it.

Out of interest: if the men you know were victims of DV how do you think you'd know about it?

[Nearly Sane]

Yes that makes perfect sense. I think it works like that for a lot of women too in the sense that stopping it can also have horrible consequences.

I'm sorry, NS. It's grim.

Given it wasn't a physical threat, it didn't feel as grim as it sounds but then I was justifying it, wondering if somehiw it was my fault.


No one knew about it. No one of my friends no matter how close, until after I left. Even now in terms of people who know me and my ex only 3 people know and one of those is my current partner. It's easier to be honest on here because the judgements of both of us and the ramifications are less.

[Rhiannon]

Physical abuse is well hidden, floo. There have to be wounds or a real crisis for it to become known so most of us would not recognise it. The victims come in all shapes, sizes and types - often the last people you would expect.  Men tend to hide it well too.

It often goes hand in hand with psychological abuse, same as with women and is extremely difficult to get away from.

I really feel like weeping right now thinking about all this.  So many damaged people hurting eachother, what's the point of it all?

Psychological abuse is in many ways worse than physical. Narcissistic abuse is a thing in its own right and utterly destroys lives. Yet narcissists often get away with it because they aren't spotted - very often they are the charmers, everyone's mate, the one you couldn't do without on the committee. So victims don't speak up because there is just no point. And if they do leave sympathies often lie with the abuser, who is very good at appearing grief stricken at the loss of the relationship.

[Rhiannon]

Given it wasn't a physical threat, it didn't feel as grim as it sounds but then I was justifying it, wondering if somehiw it was my fault.


No one knew about it. No one of my friends no matter how close, until after I left. Even now in terms of people who know me and my ex only 3 people know and one of those is my current partner. It's easier to be honest on here because the judgements of both of us and the ramifications are less.

That's pretty grim. Wondering if it was your fault. But then you know that it never was, right?

[Nearly Sane]

I doubt any of my friends or family would think it at all likely that I would be a victim of domestic violence. I am not sure what type of person is the 'type' but it isn't going to be what I come across as.

[Nearly Sane]

That's pretty grim. Wondering if it was your fault. But then you know that it never was, right?

Yes, and then again at the time, no. Again I've mentioned about being aggressively sexually propositioned and to my feeling sexually assaulted though I knew I was always able to stop that but again I examined my behaviour to see if I was in some way 'asking for it'.


I hasten to add that in both of these cases I knew I could stop it if it went too far which puts me in a much better position than many but that doesn't stop you wondering if it was your fault.

[Robbie]

Psychological abuse is in many ways worse than physical. Narcissistic abuse is a thing in its own right and utterly destroys lives. Yet narcissists often get away with it because they aren't spotted - very often they are the charmers, everyone's mate, the one you couldn't do without on the committee. So victims don't speak up because there is just no point. And if they do leave sympathies often lie with the abuser, who is very good at appearing grief stricken at the loss of the relationship.

Oh gosh Rhiannon, my sister was involved with someone like that and completely mesmerised for a while, it was terrifying. He wasn't the 'everybody's friend' type but certainly presented as 'an upright man'. He completely controlled her and played mind games(& sex games on his terms). He always blamed her and she felt it must be her fault because he was 'such a good person'.  It wasn't until it was over she could see things in perspective.

Tbh in many ways she's never got over it even though she met someone else, who is lovely, married and had a family. If you met her you'd never think she'd fall for anything like that. It is so chilling.

[Walter]

I have never come across a man who has been the victim of domestic violence.

the first Mrs Walter was pretty useful with her hands , especially on our little kids when she thought I wasn't watching.

On one occasion she pushed me up against the dining room wall with a carving knife across my throat in front of the kids , then she panicked and fled upstairs and phoned the police thinking I would retaliate. It was a couple of hours before the police left our house . No charges were pressed.

A year later she left and I got full custody of the kids when they were just 6 and 4  Ayear later she challenged me for the house in court and lost . THE BITCH .

[floo]

Physical abuse is well hidden, floo. There have to be wounds or a real crisis for it to become known so most of us would not recognise it. The victims come in all shapes, sizes and types - often the last people you would expect.  Men tend to hide it well too.

It often goes hand in hand with psychological abuse, same as with women and is extremely difficult to get away from.

I really feel like weeping right now thinking about all this.  So many damaged people hurting eachother, what's the point of it all?

I am only talking about the men I know well, which are my sons-in-law, my brothers-in-law, my uncles and the husband of my best friend. I know for a fact my daughters and sisters aren't violent, I know my aunts by marriage would never dare attack their husbands, anymore than my mother would have dared lay a finger on my father. My best friend has always been a very mild mannered girl, she and her husband seem to have a very good relationship, which is especially important now as she has a very serious illness. However, as for people with whom I am only acquainted, of course I don't know for sure what goes on in their homes.

[Nearly Sane]

To this day none of my family know that my ex hit me, and no one would think she was anything other than a lovely well brought up middle class woman.

[Robbie]

There must be many with stories, well hidden, like yours NS. It's very, very sad.
Walter your story is horrific, well done to you for getting out of it.

Floo if you had moved more out of your small circle, been involved with lots of people, gone out to work, you'd know more about this sort of thing. However, you're learning now  .

[Nearly Sane]

One thing I have to stress is that any such violence is just a tiny part of the relationship I had with my ex. It was as all such relationships complex and I was not just a 'victim' but also  a support, a much cherished partner and a bastard.

[Walter]

One thing I have to stress is that any such violence is just a tiny part of the relationship I had with my ex. It was as all such relationships complex and I was not just a 'victim' but also  a support, a much cherished partner and a bastard.

I hope you're okay now NS, talking about such things is painful and distressing, even on here . You have my best wishes .

[Nearly Sane]

I hope you're okay now NS, talking about such things is painful and distressing, even on here . You have my best wishes .

Anything that isn't OK now isn't related to that. I was 20 years with my ex. I have only loved 2 other people as deeply, and one of those is me. I am lucky to be with a woman I don't deserve.


The point I would stress is that in these circumstances the people who might be getting hit do not have 'victim' tattooed on their forehead. It doesn't say  'suffers domestic violence' in their passport. It's not got 'energetic self starter with a capacity to produce institutional change, and occasionally is hit by their partner' on the CV.

[Rhiannon]

I hope you're okay now NS, talking about such things is painful and distressing, even on here . You have my best wishes .

It's the betrayal by the person you trust most in the world that's so hard. I think that is the hardest thing because the place you stop being safe is the place you should be safe - in your own home, in your relationship.

[Robbie]

Yes, thank goodness I haven't had that experience but I do know people who have and in my work I frequently come across the same. It's quite heartbreaking. It's also wonderful to see people come out of it and grow strong.  Yet there are others who repeat the pattern.

We all have a responsibility to "be excellent to eachother".

[Walter]

It's the betrayal by the person you trust most in the world that's so hard. I think that is the hardest thing because the place you stop being safe is the place you should be safe - in your own home, in your relationship.

you are right of course , the greatest betrayal for me was in my second relationship (the love of my life),  it wasn't related to any physical abuse but it damned near killed me all the same ,

[Rhiannon]

Yes, thank goodness I haven't had that experience but I do know people who have and in my work I frequently come across the same. It's quite heartbreaking. It's also wonderful to see people come out of it and grow strong.  Yet there are others who repeat the pattern.

We all have a responsibility to "be excellent to eachother".

Wanting to help is sometimes how people end up in this shit to start with.

[Rhiannon]

you are right of course , the greatest betrayal for me was in my second relationship (the love of my life),  it wasn't related to any physical abuse but it damned near killed me all the same ,

I'm sorry.

[Walter]

I'm sorry.

d'ya know what? that's exactly what I said to her even though she was the one that totally ripped a family apart. 

[Rhiannon]

d'ya know what? that's exactly what I said to her even though she was the one that totally ripped a family apart.

It's way of it, I'm afraid. Some people just can't do it. So it's for us to be sorry instead.

[Walter]

It's way of it, I'm afraid. Some people just can't do it. So it's for us to be sorry instead.

they who go feel not the pain of parting; it is they who stay behind that suffer

Longfellow

[floo]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-42101850?ns_mchannel=social&ns_campaign=bbc_wales_news&ns_source=twitter&ns_linkname=wales

This is crazy, a father convicted of sexually abusing his children still has parental rights even though he is behind bars!

[Rhiannon]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-42101850?ns_mchannel=social&ns_campaign=bbc_wales_news&ns_source=twitter&ns_linkname=wales

This is crazy, a father convicted of sexually abusing his children still has parental rights even though he is behind bars!

There is a myth that the courts act largely in the mother’s interests. Since the change in the law in 2010 this is no longer the case. Abusers are free to use the courts to abuse, abuse and abuse again.

Of course the key thing in this story is that he has a solicitor willing to take his coin to continue his child abuse even though he is a sex offender.