Avoiding regret

[Rhiannon]

Nice article.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/jun/01/best-way-avoid-regrets-oliver-burkeman

[Nearly Sane]

Not sure that the flipping the question thing works, but the article chimes about the ideal self. I used to have an argument with my ex about the ought self because it felt like tying oneself down with the meetings of people we were supposed to see seemed to overwhelm any chance of doing anything you might want to do. At different times I feel the ought vs ideal self drags me down more. I'll have to think about this as it's triggered a number of inchoate thoughts.

[wigginhall]

The phrase 'what you truly want from life', has me puzzled, as I've never been able to answer that one.  I suppose I did want to write, and I did it, so that counts.  And then, errm, dunno.  Fast women and beautiful cars.

[Rhiannon]

I think the question ‘what does life want from you’ is interesting. Blimey, I could write a book on that one.

[Enki]

I find that in life generally things happen, and I sort of go along with the flow. So, I started birding by accident almost, Similarly with dancing. I became a teacher because I couldn't think what else to do after I left university. I even met my wife and proposed to her after 7 days, got engaged after 10 days and met her mother after 14 days. I still have no clear idea how it all happened like that. Strange thing is that I don't regret any of these things. I seemed to be able to adjust and develop opportunities as they presented themselves to me.

Most of my regrets however are to do with mistakes that I have made in situations involving other people including particularly close family and friends. The problem is, of course, that it is only afterwards that I usually realise the mistakes and often it is then too late to rectify them. Still, I try to learn from them for future occasions, but the trouble is that my emotions and feelings have an irritating way of obfuscating things, so that I still find myself in situations that I later regret.

[wigginhall]

Yes, agree with that.  My life is a series of accidents, looking for an author.

[Bramble]

Beyond learning from mistakes, regret seems such a pointless waste of time and effort, reliant on the ability to imagine that one might have been a different kind of person - braver, brighter, luckier, someone who doesn't do regret and never needs to - whilst at the same time curiously remaining oneself. I can't seem to summon the energy to bother with it much these days. It seems more relevant now, though equally useless, to worry about the problems of getting old. 'What does life want from me?' Decay, apparently.
 

[ad_orientem]

I thought it was quite an interesting article and I think I understand the distinction the author is trying to make. If I understand it correctly then I probably agree with most of what he has to say. Regret is something I've felt alot in my life, though at the same time I'am aware that everything I've done makes me what I am and I wouldn't necessarily change them, even the not so wise things I've done.

[Rhiannon]

I grew up with the idea that the 'ought' self was good and the 'ideal self' bad, because the 'ought' self was the one that kept everyone else happy and the 'ideal' self meant having things like dreams and desires, and that was selfish. Living from that place was pretty reactive, not simply in a 'go with the flow' kind of a way, but in an utterly powerless one.

The thing that I regret most about my life is also the thing that has given me my greatest joy. I regret most the years wasted in an abusive, unhappy relationship but my kids came out of it. It's hard sometimes to reconcile that in my head.

If I don't ask of myself what it is that life wants of me as a result of what I've experienced then I am stuck in a place of regret and victimhood. Going with the flow sometimes makes sense - someone recently asked me where I saw myself in five years and I said I couldn't imagine five weeks' ahead - but sometimes I think, 'what do I do now" and asking myself what life wants of me gives me a richer answer than maybe simply asking myself what I want. I have talents that I've never used and interests I don't spend enough time pursuing and I frantically repeat repeat repeat the same stuff over and over. Does life want me to have a tidy kitchen or does it want me to lie in the grass and watch the bugs?

Someone once asked me what it was that I wanted to achieve with my life. We went through all kinds of things -n financial security, success as a writer, living by the sea - and she said nothing sounded authentic to her. Then I said that I had a vision of me, walking on a hillside in the wind, and I was strong, and free, and she said, that's it. Let's say I'm on my way up there.

[wigginhall]

I'm not sure how avoiding regret works, as it's a feeling like others.   Why would I avoid it?  I suppose it means if I do what I want, regrets would disappear.   I doubt that!  It's part of being human, but as bramble said, old age makes them fade.   What's the point of minding about something from 50 years ago?

I get sad that so many friends die or get sick, but you get used to it.  In my meditation group, one has died, one has cancer, and one dementia. Sic transit gloria mundi.

[Rhiannon]

You can't avoid it, can you? But I think that the hardest thing for me is time wasted on being unhappy, and while you can't order 'happiness' (what is that anyway?) I think it is possible to at least have a life that is more fulfilling than one that feels like a prison.

[Nearly Sane]

A lot of what makes me feel good is the stuff that I don't regret and that's generally things I have done that I worried about whether I should. The ought self was sitting by, sucking its teeth, shaking its head, and generally being a judgmental cunt. And yes, a lot of that stuff was the unplanned idea. It isn't that there is an ideal self just that some choices seem odd. I have no grand plan but there are times to take the road less travelled because it's there.

[SusanDoris]

Rhiannon

My favourite Aunt used to say that no-one should spend more than a passing thought on regret, since whatever was done cannot be changed.  I pass on this philosophy to my family and to anyone who is interested.

I know what you mean about greatest regret and greatest joy, but I'd use the phrase huge mistake instead of regret. Also, not only do I have my two lovely sons, but two lovely granddaughters too!

It is a weird thought, too, to realise that this year my older son will be 59!

[Rhiannon]

Thank you, Susan. 

[Samuel]

I regret mistakes I've made in how I've treated certain people, rather than things I haven't done.

I'm fairly pragmatic about the big choices I've made, but then again I haven't been through anything traumatic, like Rhiannon. I've been lucky. These days there is a fairly substantial trap, ready to spring and force you to think 'I'm not making enough of my life'. It often seems like an indulgent excuse to avoid committing to one path... bollocks to that. The few square miles of the countryside surrounding my house has enough treasures, people and inspiration in it to fill several lifetimes. I'm never going to get to know 5% of what I'm surrounded by every day... why should I go seeking the 'other' far away or with strangers? I don't mean to say I live in Excitementville Central, just that the anxiety around needing to seek change is a con.

When it comes to regrets about how I've treated people, I'm not convinced that is entirely an 'ought self' thing. I've often considered that my shame at past actions is because these actions contradict my feelings of the person I hope I am. I am good, I am considerate, I am responsible... except...

Should I pour scorn on my past self? it doesn't sound like a sensible or rational thing to do, but there is no escaping it. Sometimes I wish I could reach back, give myself a slap and say 'Oi, shit-for-brains, stop being such a fucking prick!' can't you see what an idiot you are?'. That would surely salvage the high opinion I have of myself and leave my self-regard all shiny and intact. No, the lesson is there, a perpetual reminder of my capacity for failure. A necessary, if not welcome, warning that the version of me who is a prick, is waiting with baited breath to have his turn at the wheel. Regret is the cage he lives in... and long may the stupid motherfucker stay there.

hmmm... reflecting on what I wrote has made me worry that I now sound like I have some terrible, possible criminal past... I don't. I'm just a drama queen. My mistakes are the usual run-of-the-mill stuff. I'm probably just overthinking, as usual.