Goddodgery is the conscious or subconscious avoidance of God/the truth of God and the manifest behaviours which ensue. Avoiding something doesn't then require an overt or conscious belief in it. Belief could also be masked by self delusion and the desire for whatever reason to overtly maintain the status quo of atheism. I do know a believer who, at his own admission, publicly continued to profess atheism even though he had encountered God.
I am bound to ask whether you think subconsciously you might have been although the new testament has a parable of a ploughworker suddenly uncovering a treasure the meaning of course is like your own experience So were religious ideas meaningless or irritating to you? I was actually told by my parents to avoid holy talk of any kind. I did have an uncle who was openly evangelical but I recall my mother, after his rare visits sweeping the house for religious tracts some of which he had authored, bibles, etc and my father treated him as a figure of fun. And here you are, a theist!
I am not sure what you mean when you say belief could be masked by self delusion. It's possible. But that then leads me to allow the possibility that everything we write on this forum might not be what we really think and our real thoughts could be masked by self delusion. For example it's possible that you and I could be self-deluded into thinking we are Christian and Muslim when in fact for both of us, our real beliefs are Hindu beliefs. How would we ever know if we are self-deluded about our Christian and Muslim beliefs?
We could be consciously/ sub-consciously avoiding the truth of Hinduism and reincarnation and the behaviours that would ensue because we have a reason for professing Christian and Muslim beliefs that don't subscribe to reincarnation. But how to have any discussion on that basis if we have to constantly think we are self-deluded and keep doubting our thoughts?
Yes I am a theist - because it works for me now. The words spoken by the religious up until then used to cause a negative reaction because they lacked any logical, consistent or definitive concepts - it was all belief, supposition, endless possibilities of what could be true, no objective evidence, so not surprisingly none of it was convincing enough to generate a belief in any of it. Without belief it all seemed like nothing more than silly rituals and baffling words that made no sense and I couldn't see the logic of accepting any particular conflicting unevidenced belief over another. Is that what you mean by avoiding? If it was avoidance it was based on a lack of time - so many thousands of conflicting beliefs so where do I start in trying to pick one to try to engage with it, and even if I did pick one I soon had someone babbling illogical nonsense about their particular version of that belief, which inevitably led to a negative reaction to their words and beliefs.
However, at some point I became aware that I actually had a positive reaction to some words I read about God - it happened to be in the Quran. I also had a positive reaction to the words I heard spoken by people who did not claim certainty of knowledge about anything related to gods or religious beliefs. Maybe that positive reaction was the start of belief and I certainly didn't choose or have any control over that reaction. It led to me reading more about religious philosophical beliefs that did not involve certainty of knowledge and it got to the point where I could see a point to belief in God but I could also see the point of being atheist. Each position brings its own costs and benefits and reactions so I can appreciate the positive aspects of atheism and theism and I can also appreciate the negative aspects of both.
When my theist thoughts, reactions and practices seemed to have a better outcome for me, not surprisingly I continued with those thoughts and practices and tried out a few additional ones. If they seem to feel beneficial I continue with them. I measure what is a better outcome based on the feelings those outcomes invoke in me. My religion often helps me regulate my reactions, especially my feelings and interactions with other people. It's an additional tool to the non-religious tools I used as an atheist. These are all emotional concepts and it could be a self-delusion masking my atheism but as I can neither prove or disprove this possible self-delusion, I figure why worry about it.
