Hello all,
I am a Muslim Ex-Revert, which, if you twist your head around twice, means I converted to, participated in, and then left Islam. Dizzy yet?
I was a very religious hijaabi, which for those of you who are not up on your Arabic, means I covered my hair and followed the Sunnah. Oops. More Arabic. Hard to get away from it, isn't it?
I spent years in Purdah (phew, not Arabic!), which means I never left the house without express permission or a chaperone.
If this sounds like abuse, or a violation of human rights, you would be correct. It didn't help to have an abusive spouse, which makes Purdah a living hell. But that was his right, his culture. Islam is very supportive of a man's rights.
When I escaped with the children, I found myself safe, but so culturally confused that even I can't make heads nor tails of it. I moved to a monoculture area, Muslim-free, to get a handle on my Stockholm syndrome and reintegrate myself and my family into the mainstream society. Fear is a habit, though, it seems it has come with me.
Now I force myself to speak in English as often as possible, but every time I get a little stressed, I regress and use the languages I spoke in my home for the past two decades, which, to make it even more pathetic, I am not even fluent in. It's a short circuit, a stress reaction. Probably a symptom of PTSD. It positively creeps me out. I can't seem to help it.
This is where I reassure everyone that I am in therapy. This is where I make it clear that the children are, too. Only one of my children is still in therapy for PTSD.
Let's not talk about the damaging effects of long term gender segregation. Not right now, anyway.
I left everyone, my reputation, my possessions, a few years ago. I had a lovely reputation in my former community. I mean, "such a nice lady, to never leave the house! Every wife should be so good! Do you have a sister, for my son?" It was addictive, the attention. Now I know what they are saying. They are saying, everyone I ever loved, that they always knew I was bad. They always knew I was not a good person. That I will get the hellfire. These lovely people, who I gave my sweat and tears and cookies to, despise me now. Never mind that I left the community, leaving Islam is a death sentence. Those who leave, must be killed. It's Shariah, Islamic law for those of you sitting through all the Arabic.
I don't want to be good anymore. I want to be right. I am now doing the right things, not the "good" things I used to do.
I find myself in a time warp. Suddenly I am back in a culture and using a language I have not used since high school. It's disconcerting.
Just two months ago, I was much, much worse. Finding love and conversation with Arch Stanton has helped me immensely. So has conversing on forums. Free conversation with intelligent people, no babysitters required. Much appreciated. I used to be on Ali Sina's forum, years and years ago, doing dawah (Arabic!) to keep Muslims in the faith. My apologies to him. No one here need fear that from me, anymore.
Thank you,
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